Are These Commands Obsolete?

-On the Love Between Husband and Wife According to God's Will

By Yu-Gian

The key of the issue: who is the head?

The exposure of human nature is most likely taken place at home. Many people are courteous and yielding outside of their homes, yet they suffered inwardly. When they returned home they just want to let out their anger; but there are few spouses willing to be the other half's 'safety valve' (outlet for one's anger), resulting in both parties getting angry and subsequently deeper hurt.

Maybe brothers and sisters from Mainland China remember such a saying: "All matters at home are insignificant no matter how serious; all matters of the country are significant no matter how small." The official state of mind is that people who tend official business should not pay too much attention to matters at home. However, God has never regarded matters at home as insignificant; He wants the home to be a place where Christians can refresh their spiritual lives and manifest His glory and authority. Therefore, Paul had mentioned in Ephesians Chapter 5: the husband should imitate Christ and love his wife with self-sacrifice; the wife should imitate Christ and humble herself and submit to the husband.

The wife should 'submit herself to your husbands as to the Lord' (Ephesians 5:22) because 'the husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. It is he who is the Savior of the body.' (Ephesians 5:23). With the prevailing, widely held concept of equality between man and woman, there may be many sisters who feel that this passage is difficult to accept. The liberal interpreters of the bible feel that Paul's admonishment is no longer relevant in this day and age. They claim that this concept uplifts the man's status and lowers the woman's status, is past its time and clearly not God's will, and therefore need not be obeyed.

But is this truly a teaching that has past its time? Did Paul truly set the man above the woman? The fundamental issue is in the interpretation of the word 'head'. Many sisters cannot understand why there must be a 'head' in the family. Why can we not practice equality? Either there are no head, or both can be heads? There may seem to be some justification for this argument, except it is not practical: when each party holds a different opinion, how can the difference be resolved? By democratic vote? With one vote against another vote the problem is still not resolved. Some may say, "Simple. Just see who is right." But when a couple argues, each would hold on to the legitimacy of his or her viewpoint, without accepting the legitimacy of the other. Besides, often different opinions only express different preferences, and there is no right or wrong issue. So whose opinion should prevail?

"For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:9) God's creation brought about order, not confusion. When Paul said 'the man is the head of the woman', he is referring to the transcending design of God's order (I Corr. 11:8-9), but not the habits of the prevailing culture.

The bible has an explanation for 'head' that is entirely different from that of the world. In a worldly sense, the elected 'head' has authority; the one that becomes head wants to maintain his power and position, and may exercise all means for that purpose.

Christians oppose such power-grabbing concepts, but they still want leaders. The bible told us, when the twelve disciples argued among themselves who should be first, Jesus said, "the greatest among you should be like the youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves" (Luke 22:26). The best example is the Lord's washing of His disciples' feet.

Jesus is the head of the universal church, but He did not proclaim His identify of God and force His authority upon man. Rather, He "made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness", and "He humbled himself and became obedient to death- even death on a cross." Therefore, God set Him as the head of the church, "exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name" (Philippians 2:6-9).

The husband's role: sacrificial love

Here Jesus set an example for us husbands as a head and a leader. As head in a family the husband shoulders all responsibilities and serve with self-sacrificial love. He has never commanded man this way, "You are the head of the family, and your responsibility is to force the wife to obey." On the contrary, He hopes that "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25).

This kind of sacrificial love is unconditional; the wife's obedience is not a pre-condition. As husbands, many of us found that we have difficulty earning our wife's respect and obedience. May be this points out a fact, that in the class of loving our wives, God has not permitted us to graduate, and there still are many areas of improvement. That is because, if the husband loves the wife as he loves himself, and like Christ loves the church, how many wives would not respect and obey their husbands?

Some brothers may ask, "When my wife becomes unlovely, should I continue to love her? When we are dating, she put on make-up to make herself pretty, and she was as gentle as can be; but now she is meddling, nagging, and bad tempered. How could I love her just like before?"

Let us contemplate this issue from two perspectives:

First, The most likely reason a wife becomes unlovely is because she does not experience the full-hearted love from the husband. In other words, the husband has to bear responsibility for the change in his wife. Why did God emphasized over and again a husband must love his wife? That is because He created a woman using a different method from creating a man: God used a man's rib bone to make a woman so that a woman may be loved close to a man's heart.

Someone once said, "Love is a part to a man, but a whole to a woman." Although this statement neglected the bigger truth, it still has its basis. A wife lacking the nourishment of love cannot be truly happy. She may gradually become sad and melancholy, to the point of losing her temper, and equipped herself with strong and stubborn words; in the process she may manage to lose her gentle temperament, which is most valuable in women. Therefore, if brothers lament that their wives are not sufficiently lovely, they should examine whether they have provided sufficient love.

Second, true love cannot be sustained by mutual attractions between the sexes. We call this attraction Eros. Sometimes Eros maybe unexpected and uncontrollable, but it likes with condition. 'Liking' is a customer mentality; it is something to satisfy one's need. It cannot be a firm foundation of love, because no one can guarantee that one will never lose the feeling of 'liking', just like no one can guarantee that one will never get sick.

Within the will of God, the endurance of Eros requires the strengthening and keeping of Agape. Agape is unconditional love. What it demands is a humble serving heart from our Lord and a will to overcome by His power. Agape has a servant mentality, a purpose to protect the well being of the other party through life. In the Christian perspective of marriage, only Agape can be the true foundation of a marriage, and the marriage vows must be fulfilled through the will of Agape.

Adam said Eve was 'bone of his bones and flesh of his flesh', and Paul used a man and his body, as examples to illustrate the relationship between a husband and his wife. This relationship goes beyond liking and into a will to love. As we grow older, our bodies age and many ailments appear so that we are no longer satisfied with our bodies. Even so, we would never ill-treat and neglect our gradually decaying bodies, but take great care to protect and nourish our bodies.

What the Lord demanded of brothers is to love his wife with this love. May we as husbands come before the Lord, and let Him teach us how to love our wives. Such love will draw out a loving response from our wives. Because of her husband's love, the wife becomes more beautiful, wiser, gentler to the husband, more submissive, more respectful, more caring...are these not what every husband needed?

The wife's role: obedience with wisdom

God demands husbands and wives to love one another. While love is the same, they are expressed differently. The husband is to cherish and protect the wife, but the wife expresses her love in respect, obedience, and gentleness. Paul was not the only one making such a statement in the bible; Peter also said, "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands." (I Peter 3:1)

Many wives are sensitive to the term 'submission'; they feel that submission is a sign of weakness, inconsistent with the women's liberation ideal of equality and self-sufficiency. They feel that their husbands have many undesirable shortcomings, and if they give in, their spouse will further advance and gain an upper hand. By that time it will be too late to recover the lost ground.

Let us consider these thoughts from several perspectives:

First, Does submission imply a lower rank? Maybe it is true in the secular world, but in Christ it is different. Just like the Christ is submissive to God the father, but the holy Son in trinity is not second ranked. Whether submission or head, these are orders and ways to serve ordained by God to prepare brothers and sisters in the path of sainthood; it is His wonderful will and not a differentiation by rank.

Second, Does submission imply weakness? Not at all. Our sinfulness made us unable to submit. The submission taught by the bible is a wise and brave subjective choice, not an expression of weakness and impotence. A person's weakness is demonstrated in his lack of courage to make a decision, and his dependence and submission under the will of others. Active submission is rare because it is a choice made by free will; submission cannot be sustained without a strong will.

Third, why is it that God chose the husband to be head, and the wife to submit; and not the wife as head, the husband to submit? If we truly fear God we will find that there is wonderful wisdom in such a choice.

God's designs of man and woman are different, which is evident from their tendency while choosing a spouse: when a man dates a woman, he is most satisfied if he gets respect. He feels that the most attractive attribute of a woman is her tender gentleness. On the other hand, no matter how bright and how capable a woman is, she does not wish that her husband is a weakling; she would like to rest her head upon her husband's broad shoulders.

The wife will be greatly disappointed if she finds her husband lacking in virility, strength, and determination. If the wife wishes to look up to her husband and commit her whole life to him, and be a safe harbor for her life's voyage, her only choice is to let him be her head to protect her. The active and tender submission coming from the wife, can stimulate the husband's responsibility toward the home and his caring and cherishing towards her. This is God's design and will.

Forth, some wives may say, "what attribute does my husband have worthy of my submission?" They feel that their husband must meet certain criteria to be worthy of their submission. However, submission is an order the Lord gave to wives, and it is unconditional; submit to your husband is submit to God. Submission from the wife does not imply the husband is better in every way, just that it is her role.

Furthermore, human standards are not reliable. The esteemed philosopher Socrates and US president Lincoln both had strong wives that did not consider their husbands worthy of submission. But were Socrates and Lincoln truly undeserving?

Fifth, does submission imply a passive wife who would not learn any new knowledge and skill, and only rely on the husband to give orders? Of course not. Submission is not to do nothing and be lazy, and without her own opinion. In Proverbs Chapter 31, the wife of noble character " will do him good and not evil all the days of her life". In addition to 'girding her loin with strength', hard working, and 'exetends her hands to the needy', she also 'speaks with wisdom'.

Her most valuable attribute is that on the one hand, 'the heart of her husband safely trust in her', yet on the other hand, 'her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land'. She is the woman behind the successful man: she does not lack capability, but her wisdom compels her to choose the way of tenderness and submission, so that her husband can be head and successful, and in the process build up a wonderful and harmonious family.

From this it can be said that submission is a higher form of art that requires much wisdom. If a wife commands the initiative of submission, she can be considered a wise woman.

King Solomon said, "Every wise woman builds her house, but the foolish plucks it down with her hands." (Proverbs 14:1) Someone may ask, if God proclaims the husband to be the head of the family, why does he said the house is built by woman? Is there a conflict? No. The key to the wise woman building a house is in acknowledging and supporting her husband as the head of the household. On this point, without the wife's full-hearted acknowledgment and firm support, the husband may never truly be a head - he may be a dictator in the house, but he may not be the head.

If the wife is unwilling to take the initiative and acknowledge the husband as the house's head, the most likely outcome is a long-term power struggle in the house because neither party wants to be the underling. The home is no longer a nest of love, rather a wrestling ring. In fact, in the battlefield of home, there can be no winner. To the wife, there can only be three outcomes of the 'wrestling match':

1. The husband is transformed into an abusive, fierce, unreasonable husband. In his eyes, the wife is just an object for him to restraint. Under this condition, bitterness fills both parties and no one gets any love.

2. Due to the lack of his wife's respect, the husband suffers from a lack of self-esteem, and does not know how to act at home. As a consequence his business suffers and he wonders if his wife still crave his love.

3. The husband becomes a sojourner who does not manage anything at home; he shoulders no burden and takes no responsibility. He uses a passive 'take it easy' attitude as a wordless protest and resistance.

Although these three types of husband have different attributes, clearly they are not desirable from the wife's perspective. Therefore sisters, if you desire your husbands' tender loving care, you should not appear to be an 'iron lady' and try to compete with your husbands in all areas.

Premise and source: Honor our Lord

Whether it is the husband unwilling to love his wife, or the wife unwilling to submit to her husband; both are foolish behaviors that are departures from the will of God. A marital relation that is full of strife may end up a divorce from too many fights, or one of the warring parties may be attracted by the tender loving care from a third party resulting in an affair. In either case, a divorce or an extra-marital affair, it is painful to all involved. If a brother desires his wife to be more lovely and beautiful, he should unconditionally deny himself to love her; likewise, if a sister would like her husband to be manlier, more responsible for the family, and tenderer towards his wife, she should unconditionally submit to him.

True love between husband and wife is an expression of their spiritual lives, with obedience to God as a premise to love one another in His love. Let us all imitate Christ and let Him be lord of our house, and enjoy His blessing within our wonderful marriages.

The author came from Shanghai. He is currently a pastor in Shin-you Church, Vancouver