Graceful Hands

by Zhang Min

Once there was a pair of hands that restored sight for the blind
and gave them a brand new life;
His wonderful hands comfort me,
and lead me into a bright future...

A few years ago on the Street of Alberta in Moscow, the Lord Jesus extended His wonderful hands and brought me out of the dangerous darkness, which was about to eat me up, and led me into a bright future. Two years later, I was enrolled in a theological seminary.

In retrospect, there recorded in my past a few memorable moments: the difficulty of making the first step as a baby, the support from the graceful hands when I had a hard time, and the pain and the extreme joy following the pain like the experience of treading winepresses.

Family letter and family stories

How excited I was when I first stepped into the seminary. After thirty years of fruitless wandering, being a member of the lost generation, I was full of anxiety and high expectations when I first heard about the most Holy and the true Way. If you are from China, I suppose you will understand it. I expected the seminary to be heaven-like: everybody was either a minister of the past or a pastor of the future. All adding up, you should find nothing but peace and joy.

To my great surprise, however, I ran into a series of unexpected incidents soon after I entered the seminary. Differences in cultural background and geographical background brought about misunderstanding and ill-feelings. Disappointment and complaints accumulated to the extent that I almost wanted to quit altogether. I regretted my decision of leaving Vancouver where I lived for the seminary. I should have stayed with my husband and son and have hidden myself in a quiet and unnoticeable corner. But then I was stunned at these evil ideas: Am I trying to abandon Jesus and ignore his guidance? One evening, I seriously discussed my situation with a couple of my classmates who had been pastors for many years. They both encouraged me and prayed with me for God's help till midnight.

Settling down my heart, I began to throw myself into hard work. Final exams were approaching; I got numerous term papers to write and tests to take, and I did not have enough time.

As I was fighting through my work, I got a call from my husband and my son. They had developed a bit of problem between them. They both sounded very opinionated as my son was a big kid now. I was very upset that the two men should call to bother me when I was busy preparing for my finals. I found it hard to express myself clearly over the phone. So I pushed my term paper away and brought out a piece of paper to write two letters, one for each of them. It took me over two hours to write them. I sealed them and put stamps on.

The mail box was right at the door. I was ready to drop the letters in when I suddenly started to hesitate. I walked back to my desk. I withdrew my hands because I remembered all the angry remarks and complaints in the letters. I heard a voice saying: "Slow to anger", "Do not say any non-constructive words". This was probably a reminder from the Holy Spirit. Then I said to myself, "I am too busy now to give it a lot of thoughts Why don't I just drop the letters in anyway?" I struggled deep in my heart. On the one hand, I clearly knew that I ought to remove from the letters words that didn't please the Lord. On the other hand, however, I didn't want to take the fact that I had just wasted more than two hours, which I could have spent on my term paper. Struggling as I was, I finally picked up the scissors and opened the letters. I rewrote them, eliminating all the words that were not supposed to be there, and this took four or five hours before I finally dropped them into the mail box. But I felt exceptional peace in heart.

It took me a while to realize how wonderful the Lord took care of my family. When I was applying for the seminary in Los Angeles from Canada, the Lord made me run into various difficulties so that I didn't make it till a year and a half later. The first day I went to school happened to be my son's 18^th birthday. What can be more fitting for a mother to live with her son till after he becomes an adult? I now completely understand that the Lord performs according to his own schedule. The Lord led me away from home and into the seminary, and this created a great opportunity for my husband and my son, who had parted from each other for five years, to reestablish their relationship when I was away. When I went home during vacation for family reunion, I saw their relationship had improved a lot. I sincerely thanked the Lord for providing multiple blessings with a single incident, far exceeding what we had hoped for.

The more we look forward, the more we are submissive to the Lord. The more we look into the past, the more we appreciate the Lord's grace.

Unforgettable fatherly discipline

In the seminary we had a lot of assemblies, but we often forgot what the Bible teaches in James 1:22: "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says." The Lord, who can clearly see through us, often disciplines me whenever I become stiff-necked and ignore his teachings.

One summer day, I rebuked a brother in my anger. I wasn't even regretful because I believed I was right.

At that time I was getting ready to go to the east coast. I was in a hurry and I didn't have enough time to dry the clothes I had just washed. It was getting dark. I opened the windows, turned on the ceiling fan to its maximum speed and hanged the wet clothes up high, hoping to quickly dry the clothes that way before I packed.

My anger still hadn't completely subsided. I stepped on the table and hanged up the clothes one by one. I had completely forgot about the fan and I moved closer and closer toward it till the spinning blade touched my scalp.

I was terrified. I jumped to the floor and knelt down. I remembered a tragedy related to a ceiling fan.

It was a real story and it happened in China somewhere. At a birthday party, the birthday boy was raised high by one of the guests, and at the happiest moment, the child's head was cut off by the spinning blade of the ceiling fan...

Still kneeling, I cried: "Oh, my dear Heavenly Father!" My words were buried in tears.

"Oh Lord! You know I still remember that story and so you discipline me with a ceiling fan. You said: 'Anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment.' Oh Lord! I have sinned! You could have smashed my head instantly. But oh loving Father, you only allowed the spinning blade to touch my scalp! You taught me that you have absolute sovereignty and ultimate righteousness. It is your grace that I can still breathe."

Keep my tongue in check

The Bible says: "If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless." (James 1:26) "If anyone is never fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check." (James 3:2) I often felt ashamed of myself every time I read these verses.

Judging others was one of my bad habits. I often found an excuse for myself too. Didn't I use to be a newspaper correspondent whose profession was to find speck in others' eyes? If my judgment is correct, so be it...

The Bible repeatedly tells us not to judge, but I refused to listen.

I had been disciplined a couple of times because of this. So one day I talked to a sister in the Lord. We encouraged each other and swore not to judge any more. After a while, I realized I was able to get along with other people much better than before. How wonderful God's words are! "Do not judge." A few words of Him were able to improve many interpersonal relationships and to give blessings to us all.

How wonderful things were improving! But I failed to keep up with it. It was exactly like what Paul said: "But I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members." (Romans 7:23) Without realizing it, I fell back into the old habit and started judging again. When it was over, I was pretty regretful. Then a few days later, something happened to me and I started judging again without the slightest remorse, as if my previous judgment were never enough. So my bad habit kept coming back to haunt me.

One morning when I got up, the words "Give thanks in all circumstances" on the wall fell into my eyes. I stared at the words Give thanks and I didn't know how to give thanks for my anxiety in the past few days.

That evening I was driving on a crowded street. I made a left turn following an array of other cars and it didn't look exceptional at all. But then I saw a police car right behind me flashing lights. I didn't know the flashing lights were intended for me so I didn't stop. Then I heard the speaker from behind demanding an immediate stop. I hurriedly stepped on the brake and at the same time another police car came up and stopped right in front of me.

At that moment, I looked like an international criminal just getting caught.

"What did I do? Anything wrong? ..." The portion of my brain that still managed to function repeatedly tried to find an answer. The spirited policeman handed me a yellow ticket that read: "Running the red light. Please go to a traffic school before a certain date."

I had never been ticketed since I started to drive in Los Angeles over a year before. Even this time around, I was merely following the array of cars when the yellow light turned red. Was it really necessary for two police cars to come and stop me?

The experience of being stopped by two police cars was unforgettable. I believed this was a warning sign from God.

As I was driving home, I heard a voice saying: "You broke the rule. You didn't see the red light. Watch your steps." The last few words were repeated a few times.

I went back to the dorm and once again I saw the words on the wall: "Give thanks in all circumstances." It occurred to me that I should pay special attention to "all circumstances". So I tried to recall all Biblical verses that contain similar words. "Always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." Then I heard this voice: "Can you find a single incident in the world that is not in all circumstances? If you don't understand what it means by all circumstances, you will not live a new life."

With the excuse of special circumstances, I had sinned by vigorously and opinionatedly judging other people. As I acted willfully, I completely ignored the fact that the yellow light had turned red.

The Bible says: "But you-who are you to judge your neighbor?" (James 4:12). "At whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things." (Romans 2:1).

Our God is awesome and unbiased, and humorous too. The prophecies in the verses above exactly happened to me. I was indifferent at first, but God continued His work till I woke up and clearly saw how I sinned just like the ones whom I passed my judgment upon. Some of the things were pretty trivial and completely coincidental. What was more fascinating was that everything was under God's control. He taught me to understand myself better.

It dawned on me that self-discipline was not an effective way to cure the disease of judging. I would have to completely destroy my self-righteousness.

So finally I had a chance to feel the pain caused by God's "double-edged sword" that penetrates our heart and soul, our joint and mallow. I wept in deep remorse. And I started to slip into helplessness and discouragement.

Then I remembered a verse from Psalms: "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." (Psalms 51:17)

In my journey of life, I slip time and again. But God's graceful hands constantly help me up. Every time I make a difficult step, I remember a hymn that says:

If you do not crust olives to pieces, they will not produce oil;

If you do not throw grapes into the winepress, they will not turn into wine...

The author came from Beijing. She is now a student in a theological seminary in Los Angeles.