From Fog to Brightness

I have never done anything wrong, but why should I have to put on the hat of a sinner? How can you put me in the same category as wicked people?

By You-meng

Right after I came to Canada from China in 1992, some Christians came and knocked on my door. I thought religion was good and it could serve as spiritual sustenance. So I began to go to church and soon I found it pretty interesting because it appeared to be a holy place. After several visits, however, I was disappointed because I believed Sunday sermons were boring and I felt I was wasting time listening to them. At that time, some Christians claimed that Jesus Christ alone could save China. I didn't like that at all: How much do you know about Chinese culture? I thought such claim seemed pretty crazy indeed.

Although I did not like the sermons, I was willing to make Christian friends because they were friendly and warm. One of them was Mrs. Lu, who cared for people a lot. When I gave birth to my child, she repeatedly brought chicken soup and chicken wine to me, regardless of weather. When my child was sick, she helped me take care of him and brought me medicine. Time washes away people's memory, but I never forget Mrs. Lu and her care.

I began to participate in various church activities, but I stayed away from Sunday worships as much as I could, except that I sometimes found it hard to refuse people's invitation. So my irregular church participation lasted three years before I quit going completely.

In 1996 we moved from Canada to America. Mr. Ling, a minister, and his wife gave us a lot of help. They helped us locate Rev. Su, who lived in America and who was willing to give us a lot of help so that we felt very much like home in a strange country. Rev. Su helped us find accommodation; he brought us to church and helped us study the Bible. But I still refused to believe. I quit going again after a couple of visits.

Two main reasons directly contributed to my unbelief: First, If God loves us, why does he allow existence of so much wickedness and so many disasters? Examples are China's first emperor Qin who burned all books and killed all scholars, Hitler's massacres in modern history, the Nanjing massacre, the Cultural Revolution, the June 4^th Event, etc. There are macroscopic disasters where the whole country is made against the historical trend with human rights abused and knowledge disrespected. There are also microscopic disasters where individuals like myself suffer with innocent people getting murdered and children getting lost! Where is God? Why doesn't he prevent these tragedies?

Secondly, I had never done anything wrong, but why should I have to put on the hat of a sinner? How can you put me in the same category as wicked people? I was told everybody was a sinner. What about Yue Fei, China's national hero, and the notorious Qin Hui then? Can you put them in the same category?

Two years had passed after I came to America, which was supposed to be full of hope and full of opportunities. But I still lived in helplessness and despair. So once again I came to church.

Once I was in church, I felt a sense of security. I seemed to have heard a voice calling me: "Come back, my child!" Then I felt a kind of hope, obscure but inspiring, like a tree of flowers in the twilight.

In 1999, I went to China '99, the evangelic camp in San Diego, California. There were hundreds of participants. All were Chinese scholars and all carried enthusiasm about China. When somebody asked: "Who is willing to give your whole life to the Lord", most people raised their hands. Then they began to sing: "I march forward with a mission; I want to awaken China who is in deep sleep. Even if I have to shed my blood, I will never go backward." Many wept as they were singing along. These tears came from those hearts illuminated by the holy light; these tears flowed across those faces with wisdom; these tears came together and became a living spring. The singing, along with the call of the Holy Spirit and the believers' wish, became a strong force beyond match. This exciting moment caused a great impact in my heart. My tears also silently came across my cheeks. Through this exciting scene, I seemed to have seen the hope for China and the hope for the Chinese people. Through this exciting scene, I finally understood what they meant by saying "Jesus Christ alone can save China."

During my stay in San Diego, I went to San Diego Museum and saw a picture of Jesus being crucified. The picture looked very real. Those three nails looked like real ones. Anyone who saw this picture would experience a painful shock. Then at this very moment Jesus said: "Forgive them." In front of those who wanted to put him to death, he only thought about forgiveness, as opposed to hate and anger. The love of God is unlimited beyond any imagination.

I realized that God's work was far beyond human imaginations. While I still don't know why God did not interfere to prevent various human disasters, I do believe in His sovereignty based on my faith in His love of the world. Based on the moral standard in the Bible, all are indeed sinners.

So my other question, namely, I am not a sinner, was also solved. I had always believed I had high moral integrity and wisdom. But I soon realized that a lot of words in the Bible were impossible for me to follow and many of them were hard to understand.

Seven years had elapsed between my first exposure to Christianity and my baptism in the China '99 Evangelic Camp in San Diego. I had wandered outside the gate of the Lord for seven years before I finally decided to enter.

My better understanding of sin came in the month following my decision to accept the Lord. I was a very stubborn person. Every time I had an argument with my husband, I would refuse to talk to him for days and sometimes weeks. Then one Saturday evening, we had an argument again. We kept yelling at each other till one o'clock in the morning. Then he went to sleep on the couch. I was so angry that I couldn't sleep for the whole night.

On the next day, I was still pretty upset. But I went to attend the Sunday service anyway. To my surprise, the sermon was about love, from Chapter 13 of Corinthians I: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

I had always believed I knew a lot about love and I had believed I loved well too. But after reading these verses, I was really ashamed of myself.

On the same day, I made peace with my husband. And this was the first time for me to do that. That day, the sermon seemed to be designed specifically for me. Why such coincidence?

We all have our unique feeling about God. This is like our experience in a clear night with shining moon, which we all share. When we are happy, the moon will appear bright and the night dancing; when we are depressed, the moon will become cold and the night weeping. From my husband's standpoint, though, the moon always looks like a big bowl, whether it appears bright or cold. In any case, we can only see the brightness of the moon if we walk into the night. We will not feel it during the day. I hope we can all free ourselves from the fog and experience the brightness of faith.

The author now lives in San Francisco, the United States.