The Orphan

In my mind, orphans were the most pitiable and most unfortunate people in the world. I often wept when I came across them in movies and books.

By Xiao Cao

My brain was completely blank when I came out of the Shanghai City Records office. Mother was walking next to me and she kept saying: "We didn't tell you earlier because we didn't want to hurt you." I looked around aimlessly. Heavy traffic, colorful store showcases and the beautiful weather of early summer - all seemed to have lost their usual attraction. I tried hard to fight back tears and I dragged along mechanically. I asked myself: "I am an orphan. How can it be possible?" This joke was a bit too harsh for me to bear!

In my memory, my parents both worked. I grew up with my grandparents in Changzhou till I was six and I was always a favorite of my grandparents and uncles and aunts who lived with them. Everybody treated the little Shanghai girl like a pearl in his or her palm. I often heard grown-ups saying: "That girl is so lovely; she looks exactly like her father when he was young." My grandpa was especially nice to me. I often greeted him at the block entrance when he came back from work every day. And it became a little secret between us. When I saw him approaching, I would run towards him and hug him tight. And he would always touch my hair with his big hands that belonged to a construction worker. Then instead of going home, he would take me by the hand, go to the best fast food restaurant in town and order a bowl of my favorite wonton soup. He never ordered anything for himself; but he would simply look at me with love till I finished eating the whole bowl.

Then I would accompany him to his favorite little restaurant. He would order a dish of salt-water peanuts and a dish of dry bean curd, plus a pot of warm wine. I would watch him slowly sipping the wine and occasionally feeding me with food. He often chatted with some of his friends around him. When we finally came home satisfied, grandma had a delicious dinner already waiting. She used to wipe her hands with her apron and greet us with joy.

When I was six, Mother took me back to Shanghai. Perhaps I was not able to adapt to the change of climate or perhaps my grandparents had spoiled me, but it didn't take long before I started to suffer from gastritis and I was confined to the hospital for one week. A few days later I was re-hospitalized because of appendicitis and peritonitis. Father and Mother were extremely busy in those days, but they never made a single word of complaint at the time spent at the hospital. My brother and sister also surrounded me with love and tried all they could to make me happy. After the surgery, I slept in the comfortable bed in the children's hospital, and my sister kept me company and slept on the floor till I was discharged.

Once I went to see the doctor because I had a bad cough and fever. The diagnosis was early-stage pneumonia. I very clearly remember Mother said to the doctor with tears: "Please do cure my little daughter. I can't live without her because she is my best." Since then, my parents prescribed a bottle of milk for me daily despite their tight budget. At that time a bottle of milk was considered a luxury. I grew up in an environment full of love and I loved my family and relatives a lot. One of our neighbors said to me: "I knew your mom when you were in her womb. You inherit your beautiful eyes from her." I felt really warmed as if I was the happiest daughter who ever lived.

I had enjoyed so much love from all around me that I was also full of friendship and passion toward others. I often stood up to help defend the weak against the strong and I often described what I did to my family. Mom was happy to see her daughter's kindness, but she also advised me to stay out of trouble. Whenever I saw blind people crossing the street, I always rushed forward to help. In my mind, orphans were the most pitiable and most unfortunate people in the world. I often wept when I came across them in movies and books. I even wished I could find an orphan around me so that I could take good care of her, although I was still dependent on my parents.

When I was collecting the necessary documentation to go abroad, my peaceful world was shattered as I discovered I was in fact an orphan myself! I couldn't take this. It was too cruel! I was indeed adopted from an orphanage! From a happy favorite of many to an unfortunate orphan, I became extremely anxious, but I didn't know whether it was because I had been cheated or because my biological parents had abandoned me. I was stuck in deep self-pity and inferiority. I didn't want to hurt my now aging, adoptive parents who had tried so hard to cover it up for me. So I had no choice but to temporarily keep my wounded heart to myself.

A few months later, I came to America along with my son to be with my husband. On the same night I told my husband about my orphan status although I was very tired. I thought this would greatly damage my image and yet I could not hide anything from my beloved husband. There were a few moments of silence. Then my husband patted my shoulder; his eyes were full of trust and love. He said: "A person cannot pick his or her family background. Your past cannot reduce my love and respect for you." I was touched. I wept. For the first time I felt a little better. However, my wounded heart had not been cured. Deep into the night, my past experience came back into my mind. Who are my biological parents? Where are they now? How could they have made that decision to send me to the orphanage? My heart ached.

Several years passed by. Time and time again, Mother tried to smooth out the incident by telling me how they adopted me and how I had been so loved in this family. Although I was well known as a meek and obedient girl, this time around I reacted with stubbornness. Then one day I had a chance to chat with a very close sister in the church Fellowship. I could no longer hold back my mental confusion and wounding. When I finished telling her my story, she replied calmly: "Xiao Cao, in fact we are all children of God! How much your Heavenly Father loves you! He has given you a family full of warmth and caring. Compared to a lot of other people, you are pretty fortunate." This time I was greatly moved: Indeed God takes care of me. He has provided me with my loving parents and other family members. And He enabled me to get to know Him through the salvation of the Lord Jesus...

The confusion in my mind is finally gone and my mental wound has been healed. I am no longer anxious about my orphanage background because I finally realize that I not only have the best family in the world, I also have the eternal God loving me. I feel nothing but gratitude toward my parents and grandparents who brought me up and my brother and sister who treated me with love. I would also like to share their love and grace with everyone. I hope everybody in the world will become a child of the Heavenly Father.

The author came from Shanghai. Now she lives in Michigan, USA.