Meeting Him In My Dream

By Zeng Ying

In 1990 I went to Canada from Anhui, China as a self-supported visiting scholar. All my life I had believed in my own capabilities. It had been very difficult for me to get a visa to Canada and I found that there was a great difference in political and economic systems between China and Western countries. So after I came abroad, I was determined to find a way to stay in Canada permanently and make my dream come true.

At that time I was often impatient and skeptical. I found life tough in Canada because I felt I had so much to do, adapting to the new environment, learning the language, applying for the Canadian green card and worrying about my study and career. I seemed to be busy all day and every day and even when I was walking along my mind was busy. When facing important decisions I would feel myself under tremendous mental and physical pressure.

There was a Christian from Singapore who worked in a lab next to mine. She had a loving heart and I really enjoyed her friendship. My only worry was she was always inviting me to church, and as I was always busy I didn't have time to go. Occasionally, I did go because of her repeated invitations. After several visits and a limited amount of Bible reading, I began to admit that Jesus Christ was a great person. But I still couldn't agree that he was the Son of God and Savior of mankind. I also couldn't agree that I was a sinner as I felt that I was a righteous person. I didn't have any sins and therefore I had no need of a savior.

At that time I told myself that God just might really exist but that He had nothing to do with me. My not believing would not make any difference to my daily study, or my life or work. Besides, believing in God would not provide me with anything tangible. And many of my problems would stay the same. It seemed very difficult for me to believe in a God who could not be seen or touched. Earning some money seemed to me much more practical than going to church. Because of my unbelief, I had never asked the Lord for help no matter how difficult my life was. I struggled to rely on myself. Over time I felt I was inching nearer to my ultimate goal.

But in order to make my dream come true, I failed to pay any attention to my health. I worked during the day and studied at night. I had two jobs over the summer and didn't go to bed till 3 in the morning. But then, in just over a year, lack of sleep and mental and physical stress caused me to fall seriously ill. The realisation that my dream might not come true after all brought me under tremendous physical and even spiritual pressure. As my career came into question, my disappointment turned to despair. Lying on my sick bed, I began to see my human limitations and weaknesses. How unreliable we all were!

At the same time I felt extremely lonely because nobody, including my relatives in China, could truly understand my inner feelings and pain. I failed to see any hope and I didn't know what to do next. In my despair I remembered Jesus Christ. One night, I couldn't sleep for pain. So I prayed tearfully, "Jesus Christ, if you are the Lord, you will see my tears and know about my sufferings. Please heal me!"

After I had prayed, I was able to fall asleep. In my dream Jesus Christ said to me,"Don't worry. Don't be afraid. I will heal you and rescue you from your grief." The loving and glorious image of the Lord Jesus Christ was indescribable. When I woke in the morning, I felt full of joy and deeply touched because I knew that Jesus Christ loved me. He had really heard my prayers and he promised to save me. He is the Lord!

Although Jesus did not heal me right away, my confidence returned and hope came back to me as I recovered according to his promise. I also took time to go through a lot of questions I had never thought about before. I had always taken my health for granted and I had never thought to be thankful. I had taken my achievements as the results of my own hard work and I had never thought that these were blessings from the Lord. I had always thought of myself as a righteous person, but despite the fact that I had never killed anyone or broken the law, I was not really blameless By God's criteria in Scripture, I really was a sinner.

I had thought I would continue living on as I had before in my time of unbelief. But my faith in the Lord had made a fundamental difference in my work, study and daily life. In the past, I had to shoulder all of my own burdens and I would get very tired. I was often anxious because I was uncertain about my future. When I had to make an important decision, I used to be painfully aware of my own limitations, not knowing what to do next. Now that I believe in Jesus I am able to experience true peace. For this reason, I can take on any pressures and burdens. Although I still have to deal with all kinds of issues and to cope with all kinds of problems, my heart is full of peace and joy rather than worries and grief, because I know that the Lord is our shield and fortress.

With my own limitations, I can only see the Lord in my dreams. But the Lord's wonderful work in me makes me realize that He is real and living. Before I believed, I was easily irritated and short-tempered. Although I knew clearly that this kind of disposition could hurt other people and I had vowed to change it, I never could. Since I believed in Jesus Christ, however, my heart has been filled with peace and joy by the Lord's grace and I have become a much better person. Furthermore, the Lord's love has healed my spiritual wounds. In the past I could never forgive those who had hurt me and my heart was full of bitterness and hatred. Now I realize I am also a sinner. The Lord forgives my sins and I should also forgive others. As I truly forgive others in my heart, I am able to be free of the bondage that hatred can bring.

The author was a medical doctor in Anhui, China. She is now doing medical research in a university in south central America.