Prisoners of Marriage

By Meng En

I first met my wife in 1978, the year college doors were first opened to genuine students. She had been born into a scholarly family. She was a typical urban lady and a graceful southerner. In contrast, I came from the countryside. "Village man" is a kind way to put it, but most people considered me a typical country bumpkin, one of that illiterate bunch who had grown up in the mud and been fed on the tree-bark and wild plants of the Northwest. Our lack of manners and our poverty-stricken state were beyond anybody's imagination. Back in those crazy romantic days, however, I was attracted to her by her graceful manner and erudition and she to me by my talents and dogged perseverance. So before we knew it, we fell in love with each other. Straight after graduation we rushed to obtain a marriage license, and became prisoners of marriage.

It was not until we became prisoners of marriage that we began to realize what it was really like. Marriage was not honey at all. It was an abyss. Each of us had thought we could gain something from our partner and from marriage itself. But in reality, neither of us could. Besides, we had to live in two different places because of our jobs and the very concept of home was foreign to us, let alone communication and negotiation. The fact that our backgrounds and lifestyles were so very different from each other also contributed to our failing marriage. Our relationship quickly deteriorated. The ten hours we had together each week became the most difficult time of all. Oh, how time crawled! Those few years of our married life were full of bitterness and suffering. Our marriage meant sorrow for us and misfortune for our neighbors.

Six years of our life as a married couple saw endless declared wars, cold wars and tiresome wars between us. We were both worn out. So finally we decided to free ourselves from the marriage. The only unresolved issue was our child's future education.

As I became increasingly desperate, I turned to the Bible for the first time. To the sound of the heavy snores of my roommates, I eagerly studied the Bible in my sleeping bag with a flashlight. The love of God startled me and I began to see my own sins. In the past, I had believed that in 90 percent of our quarrels it was my wife who was at fault. And for the remaining 10 percent I refused to admit any fault of my own. When I believed in the Lord, I was struck by God's love and God's light. Shedding tears was all I could do in response.

Human nature is harder to change than Mother Nature herself. But the tremendous transformation in me drew my wife's attention to my beliefs and she began to cautiously step out onto the pathway of faith. After one year of Bible study, prayer and fellowship, my wife and I finally turned around. We were both baptized in a bathtub in the city of Xi-an on April 28, 1989. My family was preserved and our life began to undergo a fundamental change. Even our neighbors came to ask my wife, "Whatever has happened to you recently? It seems at least six months since we last heard you have a row."

Our married life has been a tough journey and these seventeen years have been filled with both sweetness and bitterness. Our marriage has been through crises of life and death and it is now blessed by our resolve to "live happily ever after". There are two things that everybody fears: life and death. But our Creator brings both these things into everybody's life and there are no exceptions. I still remember the days when my wife and I fought each other like enemies. There were times when I almost wanted to end my life and experience the terror and helplessness of death. Even though I was still alive, I felt as if I was dead. I also threatened my wife that I would die and end it once for all. She would reply, "I am a mother and I need to raise the kids." Sigh!

After we believed in Christ, we learnt to forgive and support each other in order to rebuild the home we had torn down. We learnt the lesson of fixing our eyes on the other's good points and on our own weaknesses. The Bible says: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy." In other words, a husband is supposed to love his wife just as Jesus loves the church and died for the church. Whenever I think of His crown of thorns, the wounds on His body and His blood on the Cross, I feel ashamed until my selfishness, anger and arrogance sink away. I keep telling myself: I cannot be a good husband if I fail to love my wife to the point of giving up my own life.

As Valentines Day approaches, I want to write this article with its title Prisoners of Marriage, so that we believers may encourage each other.

The author is from China and he lives in New Jersey.