After that summer night

By Li Wen-Yen

I. One summer night

I was only a third-grader that summer night. I was lying in bed and alone. A small blanket my mother had made for me lay across my stomach. Everything was very quiet. On the window pane there was the shadow of a tree, created by the moonlight.

Not able to sleep, I started thinking about all kinds of things - that "I" had only existed during my own lifetime, that before I was born "I" had never existed in this world, and that after my death "I" would not exist any more. Everything related to me would disappear forever.

As I thought about all this, I suddenly felt empty, lost, afraid and desperately anxious.
I do not know how someone so young could have such deep thoughts and questions. I did not even know how I could face the coming to an end of my self. I felt full of fear and hopelessness. But I knew that this was the question I was asking, even if I never found the answer. So I dared not think about these questions any more.

II. Bag on my back, and off to see the world

Gradually time passed. The "naughty" child grew into an energetic teenager who no longer asked the questions he had asked when he was young. Instead, he was filled with the idealism, passion and innocence of youth.

I liked traveling. I loved looking out on the colorful world and the people living in it. It gave me a feeling of strength - the strength of love. When I went to Hainan and stood facing the South China Sea, I was filled with awe at the beauty of Nature. As I sensed its strength, I felt so calm and peaceful.

When I went to Yunnan and the Li River and gazed up at the plateaux and snow-covered mountains, I had a deep sense of holiness and an intuitive desire to worship. My heart was deeply moved. As I carried my bag and walked alongside the Shangalila canal, Nature's harmonies brought a sense of consolation to my seeking heart. I lifted up praises and thankfulness from my heart.

Everyone I met on my trip seemed to have stories for me to explore. Every face I photographed seemed to speak and express its own emotion. Every event I remembered seemed to imply a kind of life direction. But where was my own life headed ? I seemed to feel it, but I could not see it clearly. I did not insist on knowing it clearly. I just wanted to immerse myself in the fleeting joys of today.

III Dreams shattered and love ended.

It was when I was a junior at Peking Foreign University that I began to seriously examine other people and myself and to give serious thought to the problems of "human beings". And this was also when I fell from my lofty heights into a deep dark valley.

When I was first admitted to the Foreign University, I had one simple idealistic goal - to become a first-class diplomat. I worked hard and passed the exam to qualify to work for the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. I was soon to be sent abroad to study in Poland. But one week before my departure, my qualification was cancelled because someone had written an anonymous letter reporting that my father was to be investigated for some kind of financial irregularity. The problem was quite serious. Since my political background was no longer clear, my dream of becoming a diplomat was shattered.

At the time, I felt as if I had been shot. This was not only because of the anonymous letter, but also because this issue related to my father. I suddenly realized why for so many months, my family had seemed to be trying to hide something from me. My mind was clear now but my life had been changed. 

Not long after this, my first love affair also came to an end.

In this brief time-span, all that I possessed - a bright future, a good family, and someone I loved - had all gone. I had lost everything except for a strong sense of emptiness, and of self. I was suddenly asking myself whether I had been living in some kind of a fantasy world, or a kind of illusion ? Perhaps I had never lived in the real world or known anything about real life. Was the Foreign Affairs job really so important to me? Was the reason I wanted it because of my own pride, vanity and competitiveness? Did I know what was really important for me? Was my harmonious family life a reality, or was the harmony just a front that my parents put up since they wanted to protect me? Are comfortable living conditions the essence of real happiness? Did I really love the girlfriend I loved? Or did I love myself more, but just felt that I was in love with her? Was it my selfishness that had destroyed our love? If everything I had lived for originally was all vanity, then what is real? 

I told myself, "If reality exists, I want to find it. I don't want to live in a world of illusion. I want myself and those around me to find real happiness and blessing." So I began to search for it in books, in history, in literature, in the arts, in music. I looked for it everywhere.

I found many "real things". But after a while one "real thing" was replaced by another "real thing". I began to have inner doubts whether I could ever find reality. Although I believed that the "real thing" did exist, I could not find it. Even though it existed, I didn't know where it was.

IV The good cat is the one that catches the mouse.

All this searching and thinking in college days had left me feeling drained, since I had been unable find any answers. I began to tell myself that I would not find the answer by just sitting in an ivory tower and thinking. Wasn't this also a kind of vanity? I needed to go and find reality by experiencing it. So when I had an opportunity to go to work in Shen-Jen, I went. Shen-Jen was the Chinese government's shop window for implementing its reform movement. It is a down to earth city, with plenty of action and plenty of results to show for it.

"No matter whether it's a white cat or black cat; so long as it can catch rats, it's a good cat." "We emphasize results, not process." "The standard by which to measure success is money and ability." "There are only two kinds of men: the strong and the weak." "God chooses. The good win; the bad are defeated. The fittest survive." These were the beliefs of the people of Shen-Jen, and. I was one of them. I wanted to survive and to prove that I could live a better and happier life than others.

When I tried to live by these values, I faced many problems. But since I had given up on thinking, why not just live according to the trend? What's wrong with money and fame, anyway?

But this kind of life brought me no peace. At the end of the day I often asked myself, "Is this what you really want? Is this the meaning of your life?" I also often thought about my father and his experiences and asked myself, "Did Father find peace? Do you want to walk the same road that Father walked ?" The ideal "me "was actually leading me further and further away. I had become someone I didn't even like. I felt so much pain. Who could rescue me?

V Singing in the autumn in Poland

As my heart was crying out for help, I landed in Poland...

I started going along to gospel meetings run by the Polish Chinese Church. I heard the gospel - about God, love, the meaning of life, sinners and their need of salvation, and about the Saviour, Jesus Christ. All these pointed to the answers to my long searching and to my unanswered questions. Although in the beginning I was resistant, with ongoing contact and to my own surprise I started to experience a wonderful new strength, because I was discovering that I was not alone in this world. There were many other serious seekers.

Not long after this, came Poland's most beautiful season - the golden days of autumn. I was driving down to the southern mountainous area, and playing a praise tape the church had given to me.
As I drove along, gazing at the autumn scenery and listening to the music, many incidents of my past came into my mind. Every step in my life, every touch in my memory, every painful moment in my heart, whether helplessness, sadness or struggle, they all melted away. The scenery and the songs singing in my ears flowed together into the Creator who created the heaven and earth. The one and only God of the universe is a God who is loving, kind, just, holy and faithful.

Now the song "The friend who knows my heart" came into my mind. I suddenly wanted to pray along with the beautiful music:" Lord, you are the Friend who knows my heart. You are my dearest companion. In every step of my life, even the small ones, You hold my hand. You lead me to yourself. You tell me the right path to walk so I do not find myself at a dead end. Your love is everlasting."

This is how God led me home. He gave me a harbor for my wandering heart forever.

The writer lives in Poland.