Triple Riddles Untangled

By Shir Ming

My three motives

My name is Shir-Ming. I am a fourth year PhD student in the department of chemistry at Stanford University. From the time I was a student in Beijing University, I have believed that there must be something super-natural beyond this human world. Otherwise the orderliness and the beauty of Nature are difficult to explain. However I had no idea who God was, nor how I could have a relationship with Him.

The popular Chinese secular views of how to achieve happiness and success have been deeply embedded in my heart from childhood. To most Chinese people, the way to achieve happiness is to study hard and get into the best high school, then into the best college and graduate school. Then you will be able to land a good job and establish your family well. We think of this as a life of happiness and fulfilment. But every time I have reached these goals of mine, I have gained only a temporary happiness and this has always been followed immediately by a feeling of being lost. The more successful I was, the more lost I felt.

When I passed the entrance examination into a prestigious high school, I was aware that a number of that school's best students had been admitted to nationally famous colleges without even needing to take the entrance exams. I thought, "If only I could be like them one day, I would be the happiest man in the world."

In high school, I was encouraged by an experienced teacher to enter for a chemistry Olympiad competition. Under this teacher's direction and with a lot of hard work on my part, I performed excellently in the chemistry contest at provincial level, although at the time I was only a 10th grader. In my 11th grade and 12th grade years, I took part in the Olympiad training camp for one of the famous colleges-Cia-Man National University. I was admitted to the Chemistry Department in Cia-Man National University without needing to take any entrance exams.

When I was in the 12th grade, I represented Fu-Chien province in the 1996 National Chemistry Olympiad, and gained fourth place in the national awards. This gave me the opportunity to represent my country at the intensive training camp for the international competition. At that time I had already qualified to choose any national university and major I wanted. That September, I was admitted to the Chemistry Department at Bejing University, the best Chemistry department in China.

By this time, everyone, including myself, thought I ought to be the happiest person in the world. But deep down in my heart, I was conscious of an indescribable sense of lostness. The only way of dealing with it was to try to forget it.

After I entered Beijing University, a new cycle of successes and disappointments began. At the time, I knew of many former students from my department who had gained full scholarships and had gone on to world-famous universities to study for their PhD. My new hope was, "If one day I could be like them, then I would be the happiest man in the world."

I pursued double majors, in chemistry and physics. Never before, in all the records of Bejing University, had this been achieved by any student. For nearly five years, I studied daily from 7 o'clock in the morning until 1 a.m. the next day. Within five years I had finished a course that normally took eight years to complete.

In February 2001, I became the first student among all the graduates to get a full scholarship to Stanford University. However, this time my feeling of being lost was even more profound. The very same feeling that had first appeared and been repressed when I was admitted to Beijing University, now returned.

This time I knew I could no longer ignore the feeling and would have to work seriously at finding answers to my doubts. Why was it that when I was supposed to be rejoicing in my successes, I had gained only a deep sense of loss ? Why was it that the greater my achievement, the deeper my sense of lostness, and now it was lasting even longer ? I could not find the answer. I went through my last few months in college in a state of anxiety. Secular success is temporary. Sooner or later it will pass. It cannot give you long-lasting peace and happiness in life. My first motive for seeking God was to search for real success and happiness.

My second motive came from my experience of breaking up with my girlfriend at Stanford. Although the whole process, from falling in love to the break-up of the relationship, had only taken two months, it had come as a great shock. I had tried my best to love my girl-friend when I was in love, but we ended up complaining about each other with an intensity that bordered on hatred.

I had thought that I was a caring person, so how had I ended up like this? Not only so, I noticed that many of those around me had had similar experiences. Another doubt came into my mind: "How is it that people can become filled with loathing for one another, after pouring their hearts out for them? Do people really know how to love?

My third motive was to fight against my "long lingering disease" of pride. I was aware that I was a very proud person, and for more than twenty years I had tried to change myself. But whenever I had some great success, I became even more proud of myself. The consequence of this was many personal difficulties. I hated it, but had no way out.

Three solutions

When I was a new graduate student at Stanford, my English wasn't very good. This, plus not having a car, meant that I often had to ask for help from older students. This gave me an opportunity to observe the difference between Christians and non-Christians. They seemed different both in their attitudes and in their motivation. Non-Christians helped me out of courtesy. But sometimes they did not have the patience to go on assisting me. Christians, on the other hand, seemed to have a much more caring attitude. They seemed to be full of patience and joy. Even when I felt quite embarrassed at having to ask for help, they always seemed so willing.

Among them, there was one Christian sister who had come to Stanford before me and whose achievements in chemistry research I admired greatly. In her first year at Stanford, she had already published an article, with her name as first author, in the prestigious science journal "Nature". In 2000, with her name as first author, she published three papers in another prestigious journal "Science". Altogether she has published papers in almost ten journals, with or without her name as first author. Even for an American professor to publish one or two papers in "Nature" or "Science", with or without his or her name as first author, is a remarkable achievement. So she was an unusually successful Stanford student. However whenever I interacted with her, she was so humble and easy going.

I concluded that if the Christians' God could provide them with this unceasing source of unselfish love, an attitude of humility even after achieving great success, and a life that was both meaningful and joyful, I would be willing to seek this God and the abundant life under His leading.

So I began to join in their Bible study group. After several months of Bible study and discussion, I finally found the solutions to my three great goals and motives.

Why ?

Why do people feel discontented or have a deep sense of loss after achieving success in this world? It is because man is created in God's image. We have a spiritual life that is beyond this material world. Therefore, material things like money, fame and power cannot provide us with permanent heart satisfaction. It is only when we get to know the Life-giver, our Creator, and come to understand and fulfill His wonderful plan for our life, that we are able to live contented, peaceful and meaningful lives.

Do people really know how to love? The answer lies in one of our sins - the sin of self-centeredness. When we love, we always love according to our own fancies, instead of loving others according to their needs. Also, in times of conflict, we often rationalize in our own favour in order to preserve our own sense of self-righteousness, and then we view ourselves as victims. We do not like to be the first to admit our faults. If we did, it would help us to see things from the other person's point of view and to forgive even when we have been hurt. Whereas, on the contrary, we end up in situations of misunderstandings and hatred of one another.

Unless a person knows God's everlasting love, he is incapable of giving out love unceasingly without being squeezed dry. He expects to be rewarded by being loved in return.

The reason why Christians can love others joyously is because they are constantly aware of God's mercy and love in their own lives. Just as the Bible says, "We love because He first loved us."

Pride is one of man's sins. People always give credit and honor to themselves. Therefore, a person can easily become trapped in their own pride. Christians believe that all our abilities have been given to us by God. Therefore, one has nothing to be proud of, and should offer one's abilities, knowledge and wisdom in thanksgiving to God to be used as a witness to God's love or as a blessing to others.

I have gradually resolved many of the problems in my mind. The most important thing is that my ability to love others and forgive others has increased daily. My life has become more relaxed and joyful. One surprising thing for me personally is that, through reading the Bible and prayer, I have totally forgiven the hurts caused me by my ex-girlfriend. After seeing my own faults, I wrote her a ten page letter asking for her forgiveness. I realised that when you hold grudges against others, the one you hurt the most is yourself. If you forgive others and repent of your faults, you can experience joy in your heart.

On April 28th, Easter 2002, I was baptized, and publicly proclaimed myself a Christian.

The author is from China and is a fourth year PhD student in Stanford.