Lingsi

She was so open and sincere. I was deeply touched and for some time I could hardly speak.

By Fan Jing

My landlord's daughter

Lingsi was the daughter of my landlords when I was a student in England. She is now six years old. When I first moved to Birmingham, I was looking for accommodation. We spotted a 'To Let' notice on the door of one house. When my husband rang the bell a Chinese woman in her 30's came to the door. She was from Beijing, and people called her Sister Sing. Her husband was a Ph.D. student, surnamed Kong. People called him Brother Kong. They had been there for three years and had one child. They had two rooms to rent, one upstairs and the other downstairs. Their living room was a bit messy with children's paintings all around. The house did not look very comfortable, but it had a warm feel to it. The rent wasn't too high either - 35 pounds a week. We immediately felt that it would be a nice comfortable place. But Sister Sing was a little hesitant. She said that they were Christians and had been asking God to bring them a good tenant. They were afraid that their child might annoy the tenants, especially if they were students. She wanted us to think it over. My husband and I said that we were Christians too and were fond of children. So we gave them the deposit that afternoon, and moved in. After getting me settled, my husband went back to China.

I dreamt about you

I met Lingsi the day I moved in.. She was just a little thing, with short hair. She was shy and hid behind the door and watched me move my things in. After I had unpacked my luggage, arranged my furniture, and set up my family photo in its frame, I felt that Birmingham in the fall was not such a cold place after all.

Little Lingsi was quite curious about me and the arrangement of my new home. She asked me how I had found them. I replied with a nice little story about how I had had a dream and in my dream I had seen her, in a red little house with green fields around it, under a blue sky. So that was why I had come. "Really?" exclaimed Lingsi, wide-eyed, in fluent English with a trace of a Birmingham accent.

On the second day, I went to the grocery store and picked out a pot of begonias with pink flowers in bloom and placed it on my desk. The little room looked so nice with it. "What's that for?" Lingsi asked, pointing to the flower. 
"To decorate my room," I answered. "What does 'decorate' mean?" She asked curiously. "To make my life beautiful," I replied. Lingsi nodded solemnly.

The joy of contentment

I got along well with Lingsi's family. We often cooked and ate our dinner together. At the dinner table, Lingsi prayed in her childish voice, "Dear God, thank you for the food. Please make us healthy, in Jesus Christ's name. Amen!"

Although we did not live luxuriously, I was very happy, with that kind of joy that springs naturally from the heart and is not put on, a joy that money can never buy, no matter how rich your family may be. This kind of happiness is 'the joy of contentment'.

In the Bible Paul says, "for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well- fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

God had been very gracious to this family. Lingsi had plenty of clothes, most of them handed down from older children in the church. When she could no longer wear some of the clothes, they would be passed on to other younger children in the church. Lingsi's bed was full of stuffed animals-little bears, rabbits, ducks, dogs etc. Each one had a name and its own story. Her favorites were the dolphins. She had more than twenty dolphins. I asked her why she loved dolphins. "Because they are kind," she answered. "Dolphin Clever went swimming today and saved a child," she told me earnestly. This was a blow-up dolphin given to her by her grandma in Beijing. It was bigger than she was. "Her name is Clever and she's two years old," Lingsi told me.

A painful Friday

My two implanted front teeth had fallen out. The British dentist told me in a matter-of-fact tone that it would take a month to put in new ones. Without my two front teeth, I looked awful, horrible. All my self-confidence, built on vanity, disappeared. I hid myself away at home, not going to classes or even to the supermarket. On Friday night when I went along to the church fellowship, I kept my mouth tightly closed. I was reluctant to talk or sing because I was afraid that people would notice and come up and discover my secret. I did not want to show my ugly face to anyone else besides Lingsi's family.

However, God took away my mask: Lingsi told my secret to the brothers and sisters in the church ! Everyone came up and surrounded me, and I could no longer keep up my pretense. I pulled Lingsi over and scolded her for telling other people my secret. She suddenly went into shock and covered her mouth as if trying to swallow back her words. But something wonderful followed. Shian-Yu said, "Don't try to purse up your mouth. If you act naturally, no one will notice." Ten-Bing said, "No problem! You're already married anyway !." Four year old Amy pointed to her own loose front tooth to show me that we both had the same problem. The pastor wanted to contact some Christian brothers and sisters who were dentists, for me..... Suddenly, surrounded by all this concern, acceptance, comfort and love, I openly showed my teeth to every one. I sang the praise songs and laughed freely. Suddenly I understood, "A disability does not mean barriers and distance, but is an opportunity to enjoy warmth and closeness in the presence of those who love you and accept you. These are my brothers and sisters. We are all part of the same family. No matter whether I'm rich or poor, beautiful or ugly, they love me in the Lord."

I wanted to thank Lingsi for giving away my secret. In receiving so much love I had been set free from my own mental bondage. But I saw her cowering in a corner with her head down. I asked her what was wrong. She raised her head and placed a little pine cone in my palm: "This is a promise. I'm sorry. I won't tell your secrets any more." I was very touched. Even now I still treasure this pine cone; it is a promise made by a five year old.

The next day, she composed a story called "A promise to Fan". It was a story about the whole incident. When she opened her notebook and read the story to me, she was unable to raise her head to add anything. I lifted her face up toward me and found that she was crying. She said that she shouldn't have told the others about my secret. This little one was repenting. "I did something I shouldn't have done. Oh, my Friday night was so sad!" she wrote.

I was deeply touched by her words, "my sad Friday night!" How simple, but accurate! This five year old had deep feelings. I was learning a lot from Lingsi.

The first poem

Lingsi was learning to write poems. Her first poem was called "Don't do that":
"Don't do, don't do, don't do that;
Don't put the goat on a boat;
Don't let the dog go for a jog;
Don't throw a Teddy in a wedding."

What a remarkable poem! When I read it, I was full of joy at discovering her wonderful creativity. I knew it was a product of God's grace. I still remembered that when I first moved into their little home Lingsi had given me a card "To Fan". When I came home from school that day, she had bashfully handed me the card. She had filled it with childish words and colorful pictures. "To Fan: Lingsi like(s) you!" She said that this was her very first card; and that it was for me! I was deeply touched by the sweet purity of her expression. Although her grammar may not have been correct, who could criticize such a thoughtful gift from a child?

Lingsi made a little book of folded card. Inside there were words and pictures, even a title, "The Seaside". She described the holiday we had spent on the Isle of Wight, Portsmouth. It had been a memorable time for us. She drew a picture of me, herself, the ocean, a ship and her two lovely dolphins. She did not forget to add the sun, a bright day, and a bright smile on each page.
"You are a tripper (traveler), Fan," said Lingsi, as she looked at all the red dots on the map hanging on the wall. "Yes, I am. I like traveling."

We then chatted about traveling. "I don't like London," said Lingsi.

"Me neither. I like the Isle of Wight," I said.

"Oh, me too." Her eyes were shining.

My heart lit up at that moment. I found that this little five year old and I could really communicate. I guessed it was because we were both sensitive and we both loved nature. Then we chatted about her dolphin: How it had stolen my pink socks and how it bit a big hole in the seat of the train to Isle of Wight....

At that moment, I longed to become a mother.

When I went away, Lingsi would ask me about my schedule. Before I left, she would make a card for me for the trip. Every time I came back to Birmingham, I felt that I was coming home. The familiar road was not particularly scenic, but there was real warmth there. From a distance, I could see little Lingsi, with her back to me, skipping. When she turned around and saw me she would come running into my arms, like a child coming to her mother. I could not help feeling deeply blessed. At that moment, I had a deep longing to become a mother.

After coming back from my three week trip, I found some penciled words on the wall facing my room. Reading it carefully, I saw that in her crooked hand writing Lingsi had written, "I will miss Fan every day for three weeks!" The words had been written up on the day I left. Reading her words choked me up. I had never imagined a child's love could be so touching. While I was unpacking, Sister Sing told me that Lingsi had missed me so much that she even dreamt about me. I almost cried. Before I left, Lingsi said to me, "I will miss you. I will count the days." It was like a promise or a declaration. It was the truthful statement of an innocent child. I could imagine with what anticipation she had counted on her fingers to calculate when I would come back. She was open and sincere. I was deeply touched and for a while I could hardly speak.

Lingsi's secret

When Lingsi was six years old, I gave her a diary with a lock. She gave me a big smile, like a flower opening. She said, "This is my secret book." And she gave me a happy kiss.

"Do you love Thomas?,' she asked me, her head on one side. Thomas was my husband's name.

"Yes, of course."

Then, "Do you love Johnny?" she asked. Johnny was my nephew who was the same age as Lingsi.

"Yes, I do." I answered.

"Do you love me?" She was finally asking the question she had really wanted to ask. Actually I was quite happy with the question.

"Yes, of course I love you, Lingsi," I smiled and kissed her.

"I love you too," she said solemnly.

When my husband came, he brought a new joy into Lingsi's life. He was good at teasing her with magic games. She believed them all. "Cool, Thomas!" she would squeal.

At church, she told many of the children, "Thomas can do magic tricks". My husband was very happy. In the children's minds he had become a magician. He had never before received such a high honor!

Love was full of magic. I lived in Lingsi's home for the whole of that year, without moving on to somewhere else. Many of my classmates had moved several times. Some of them visited me while I was living there and were surprised that I had put up with the messy environment for a whole year. In fact, it was not "suffering" at all. I had thoroughly enjoyed it, because of Lingsi. I didn't crave some big fancy house. I know that if there is love, even a tent can be paradise. If there is love in it, we can call it home.

How can I thank Lingsi for bringing me so much love and happiness?

It was an early morning start when I left England for Shanghai, but Lingsi insisted on getting up to say good-bye. I watched her for a long time as I drove away. I know that no matter where I go, there will always be a very close tie between us. I will miss her very much. I wonder whether, when she grows up, she will still remember the times we spent together? Would she miss me after my return to China? Her reply was very moving. Opening up her secret book, she wrote: "When I grow up, I will marry a Shanghai man and live in Shanghai forever.".... This is her own little secret. Only I understand how sincere and deep the love behind it is.

The writer is from China.