The Friendship Lost and Regained

By Annie

My school mate

X and I studied under the same professor in graduate school. We were both serious about our studies and about life, although our personalities were quite different. She is rather an introvert while I am outgoing, yet we still became very good friends. X was born out in a suburban area of Shanghai and she loved nature and growing things. This was one of the reasons why I was drawn to her. We were also both studying in similar fields. I was one year older than X and had worked for a short time. Since I was more of an extrovert and was also aware that she had been deeply hurt in her love life and had little social experience, I naturally took on the role of older sister to encourage and comfort her.

I remember how we once went window shopping on colourful Hwai-Nan Road. Carrying our intellectual treasures, our heavy textbooks, but with very little money in our pockets, we exclaimed together-"oh, look at those crystal shoes ! just made for me ! That's my nightgown !" It was our own special way of dreaming. We might have been hard up, but we were contented.

We also had pleasant memories of a brilliant spring day at the Shanghai Botanical Gardens. We had gone there to count the trees and write down all the different unusual names. The sky was so blue. If I had been allowed to pick the flowers there, I would have made up a beautiful big bouquet for her.

But one day, every thing changed. Perhaps it had begun when I had a piece of work published. Or maybe it started when our teacher singled me out for special praise. Or I might have been insensitive while interacting with her. But a kind of mistrust grew up between us. She had been going through a difficult time. She had worked hard in the hope that her writings would be accepted for publication, but she kept getting rejection slips. On the other hand I had had a lot of stuff published and was being looked on as a rising star. It seemed as if she was doomed never to shine. I sensed that she cared very much about this, so I tried to put in a good word for her to the editor, behind her back. She actually wrote very well, but people could not accept her writing style. Somehow, no matter how hard I tried, I could do nothing about her coldness towards me. Finally, one day she started treating me as a total stranger.

There was one time when I felt really hurt. We were on a trip, visiting another college. She was sitting just across from me on the train, but in spite of all the cheerful chatter going on around us, all she showed me was a cold face. For the whole of that three hour train ride, I seemed to be sitting on a prickly pine cone. I tried to break the cold atmosphere between us, but the distance between us was much greater than the table that separated us. I wondered when I would ever be able to shorten that distance.

At first I kept thinking back to our happy times together. I felt very sad, longing that one day a miracle might happen. Perhaps one day she would wake up and realize what a loyal friend I had been to her, and we could be together again like before. But nothing changed. It seemed as if there was a dark cloud all around her. Every time I came near, I felt overshadowed by that cloud and absolutely helpless. She was being so cruel and was completely destroying the good relationship we had had together before. I knew that, somehow, to her pessimistic mind, I had become a stumbling block in her life.

We were often put together to study or attended the same classes. Every time I had to face her, I felt bad. She always looked at me so coldly, and any little thing I did wrong became a reason for her to attack me.

Eventually I gave up the dream of our being reconciled. But then I found that I too had become an emotional slave to my own anger and pride, and had become obsessed with making comparisons. Every time I was hurt, I would swear to myself that I would let it go just this one last time. But it kept happening. It seemed that the only way I could only preserve my own inner balance was by going through this process.

Weeping one rainy night

Every day I found something to complain about. Actually, when you are always attributing bad motives to the other person, there is nothing the person can do to improve the situation. We had been the best of friends, but now we could hardly stand each other's company. The gap between us had become so huge that each of us had become the other's enemy. Any time I thought that we might end up working in the same establishment for years, I could only shiver. We had become heavy burdens to each other.

At almost the same time, classmate Z began to share the gospel with me. We studied the Bible together, and God's words brought me a measure of peace. My angry heart found comfort sometimes, but I still felt very bad about my relationship with her. And I was so afraid of making the same mistake again that I drew back from putting too much into relationships with my other classmates. However, I did instinctively like and trust Z., and for the first time I opened up to her. I described to her honestly my pain and hurt and my complaints, and even wept on her shoulder. In tears herself, she assured me, "God understands what you are going through....."

Did God really know? I wasn't sure. I only felt that for the first time I could hand my burden over to Him. The whole matter would be judged fairly. My desire for revenge simmered down.

When Z told me that she was praying about my friendship with X, I just smiled. I had stopped being optimistic about being reconciled with X. I only trusted that nothing worse would happen in the days ahead. 

One day as I was reading God's word, I started to feel ashamed. God said, "not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I had lived for thirty years and had a Ph.D. I was wanting to be a communicator and to promote goodness in the world. But I could not claim to know anything about "real love". How much did I love X, or those around me? Self-centred human love is so weak compared to God's love. I confessed that I was not an "angel of love". For the first time I humbled myself before God ....

"Please forgive me"

When I received this revelation for which I had searched for so long, I was completely 'blown away'. I asked to be baptized. A few days before I was to be baptized, I heard that X had also become a child of God. When I heard the news, my response was, "Lord, I can promise to love You, but I can't promise that I will love her very much. I'm scared of her."

The baptism service was arranged for Christmas Eve. Many people, including X, came. I felt there was an indescribable something in the air, but it quickly disappeared. I was very excited about being baptized, and that I would be able to publicly proclaim myself a child of God. Then Z announced that a sister was going to share a testimony before her baptism, and X walked up on to the platform ! Surprisingly, as she walked up to the front, all the time she had her eyes fixed on me in a way she had not looked at me for a long time.

In a shaky voice, she started to speak, "The more I learnt and understood, the more I sensed that my life-road was narrowing. I could hardly face going on living...." She began to cry, but she continued, her eyes still fixed on me. "Sometimes, I didn't know what I was doing... I have hurt people without knowing it...." Then she mentioned my name and cried even harder, "I never imagined that one day we would become sisters in the Lord...." She could hardly keep going. But, still looking at me, she said, "Please forgive me. I have hurt you badly." Then she stepped down, tears streaming down her face.

I was completely stunned. What an almighty God! How long I had waited to hear those words ! What a shock to see her earnest look at me, to hear her honest sharing, and to sense her relinquishing her pride in public! From the moment she had started sharing, I too had been unable to restrain my tears. "Oh, Lord, you are our Father. You, too, love her so much. Lord, how deep is this love you are planning to pour out on us? How could I be so blessed?" 
Then, with everyone looking at me, Z walked over and asked me whether I would like to share anything. Slowly I walked over to X's pew. But I could not stop crying. I felt God supporting me as I walked. For a long time I could not say a word. I felt my heart melting and all my words turning into tears. All I could say was, "Please forgive me."

Then there was someone clutching me tightly, as X whispered in my ear, "Please forgive me. Please forgive me." After those two years of distance between us, we hugged each other. "Let tears wash away the sand in your eyes. Let our world be restored to its original beauty." Every one else was weeping silently along with us. 
Yes, just before my baptism, for the first time in my life I felt the embrace of God!

A kettle

What is the meaning of "All things are possible to God?" The following day, our whole class went to an exhibition. When X and I were seen holding hands in front of everyone, they were all very surprised. Our bad relationship had been no secret. Now, when they saw us together, no-one could doubt God's power. Not even I could detect any trace of our old bad relationship. That day as I looked at X, God gave me new eyes. That awful cloud was gone. All I could see in her was her loveliness, genuineness and liveliness.

Happy in our new found friendship, I couldn't help telling her, "I really do like you very much !" She smiled like a flower in full bloom. Then she sighed, "Do you know why I turned my back on you so suddenly? It was all because of something you said to me." 
"What was it?" Before, when people asked me why our relationship had turned sour, I never had an answer. X smiled and told me, "It was about to getting an electric kettle."
"An electric kettle?" I didn't even remember.
"We were living down near the river, near the school. One day I complained to you that our male classmates weren't very considerate and always asked us girls to carry the heavy electric kettle. You answered, 'Go and tell them then.' And I thought, how can you tell me to do that ? I could never talk like that to the boys. I was sad that you, my good friend, didn't even understand me. Then I thought that if you didn't understand me, I couldn't be your friend any more." 

After hearing this I stopped still, and laughed out loud. For nearly 10 minutes I could not stop laughing. I had never realized that this was why she had stopped being my friend. If she had not shared it with me, I would never have found out. X felt embarrassed and said, "Stop laughing ! I was quite narrow-minded."

I asked her, "If something like that happened again, would you react in the same way? " "Of course not, God has been working in my heart, "she answered lightly. Her reply took a great burden off me. 

Thank you Lord! Through X's words, I know you love me so much that you have given us back our lost friendship. In Your great love, You have blessed us with this deep and transparent friendship.

The author is from China and lives in Shanghai.