A Physical Discourse

The pharmacist could not issue me the pain killer as my doctor had forgotten to write the dosage on the prescription. Realizing that the effects of the anaesthetic were wearing off, I called Uncle Chen at the church for help. For the first time in my adult life, almost in tears, I was crying out for help.

By Zhang Young

Physics and truth

Like many overseas students in the US, I had dreamt from childhood of becoming a scientist. When I was in high school, I realized that physics was the most fundamental of the sciences, as it is the study of the basic laws by which the universe operates. Ignoring my father's suggestion of electrical engineering as my major, when I entered for the college entrance examination I chose physics. Then, with really high scores, I proudly entered the university nicknamed "the cradle of scientists". To my surprise I lost a lot of my self-confidence when I started on my first college course, "Introduction to Calculus". Before I went to college, I had thought that all equations could be resolved precisely, that the orbits of the planets were as fixed as the order of chemical elements and of chemical reactions. But on the first day of calculus class, my original assumptions were shattered. I learned that many equations can only be resolved approximately. In calculus, curves are approximated by the combination of hundreds of rectangular shapes.

Later on, in physics and chemistry classes, I learned that logic and science have only limited usefulness in attempting to explain the phenomena of this world. The more advanced a scientific theory is, the more hypotheses and approximations are used to explain it. For instance, the mathematical ex is approximated by the equation 1+x+x2/2+x3/6+… Computer science is based on the limited digits of 0 and 1, reflecting the world itself. But because of the limited memories of computers and the limited frequencies of CPU, this simulation of the world through the use of computers is limited too.

Gradually, my faith in science was eroded. Many of my classmates studied hard to get high GPAs, but this did not interest me. For one thing, I had too high an opinion of myself. On the other hand, I envied people like these who were not worried about the issues that bothered me so much deep down. My attitudes resulted in my spending two very purposeless years. I began to ask myself, "Does truth actually exist anywhere in this world?" And the answer to the question would have to be positive, as a conclusion like "there is no such thing as absolute truth" would be self-contradictory.

But what is absolute truth? Is it "the grand unified theory", long pursued by physicists? For hundreds of years new theories have been displacing old ones. How long can the "the grand unified theory" survive? Are Buddhism or other religions the "absolute truth"? What about the resurrection of Jesus Christ?

Since I could not resolve my own questions, I took up a passive attitude. I joked with my classmates that in centuries to come, as human beings reflected on history, they would find that theology is above science. Many of my listeners at that time worshiped science, and they thought I was out of my mind. I had casually read through the book of Genesis about this time but I had little understanding of God, so my assertions were simply sarcasm. In a later stage of my college life, GPA became my only goal. Then I was occupied with TOFLE and making applications for overseas study. Although my life dream seemed to be being fulfilled, the emptiness in my heart never disappeared.

Me or God ?

I finally set off for overseas studies. I thought that if I put my search for absolute truth to one side and got myself a Ph.D., even if I did not find a job, I would still have fulfilled my responsibility to my parents and to myself.

When I first arrived in the USA, a "Big Brother" from the physics department and Uncle Chen, the minister of a Chinese church, came to pick up me and other students at the airport. Hoping to resolve the long buried questions in my heart, I willingly went along to activities at the church. I found that there were many Ph.D. candidates, Ph.D.s, and post-doctoral students at the meetings, sharing their gifts, testimonies and Bible verses and singing praises to God. I felt that these people were all seekers after truth too. Many of their experiences and questions very like mine; however, they had all accepted and believed in Jesus. For instance, "Big Brother" had just simply believed and accepted Jesus. And God had been good to him. He had come to the US one year before me and studied with the same professor. After he became a Christian, he met his wife at the church and they had married. Later, he passed the preliminary exam with the highest scores. He had been really blessed.

At the weekly church meetings, I gradually learned about Jesus' love being like a beautiful gift. It was so wonderful that if you wanted it, you would receive it. But I still had a lot of questions and could not simply accept it. I could not believe in Jesus' resurrection from the dead. With all those sayings about love, but why should it all be founded on a miracle that is so difficult to believe? Why should believing in the resurrection be a condition of believing in Jesus?

I also had a personal problem. At this time, my girlfriend was in China. We were not only far apart from one another, but my parents also disapproved of our relationship. I was in the painful position of being torn between my girlfriend and my parents. Uncle Chen asked me whether I was willing to hand my burden over to Jesus. My reason for turning him down was that "I want to solve my problem myself. Believing in Jesus should not just be an exchange for getting what I want."

During my first spring break in the States, I tore the tendon of my left knee in a basketball game, and was stuck at home for the whole time. The doctor's diagnosis was that in six months time I would need to have surgery. I was still very headstrong, so I just laughed at this, feeling there was nothing seriously wrong. Fortunately my grades were pretty good that year, and confident that I would pass the Ph.D. qualifying exam I went back to China for the summer vacation. During those three months I had a number of quarrels with my parents about my girlfriend. My mother was strongly opposed to her. This situation occupied me the whole summer, so I had no time to prepare for my qualifying exam. One thing I did accomplish was to help Father get a visiting visa to the States. Because of my impending knee surgery the immigration official could not refuse the application. Father and I came back to the States together on the day before my exam. Jetlagged, and with no preparation and just the foundation of my straight A grades, as well as my own "self"-confidence, I took the two and a half day qualifying exam. This time a curve was used as a passing standard. In the past, few people had failed the exam, but this year ten people failed and I was one of them. All of a sudden I began to think that it was because I had rejected God that my physical condition, my career, my love life and my family relationships were all falling apart. I felt even worse than before, as everything that had happened to me seemed to be due to my own actions. It was not God who had hurt my knee; nor was it he who had caused the qualifying exam committee to change the passing criteria. Perhaps this was all the consequence of my insisting on being "independent". 

A hero? or a "nobody"?

Before the second winter break, the deductible threshold of my medical insurance was raised. Then my first appointment for surgery was cancelled as the surgeon had to deal with an emergency. I had fasted all that day, but was sent home hungry. 

Finally I got into the operating theatre. I had to be anaesthetized for one hour. This was my first experience of being anaesthetized and I felt that I was a "hero'', someone who was much braver than other people. So I tried to joke and smile and appear brave as long as possible. The anaesthetist was also from China. He chatted with my father as he injected the anaesthetic. Gradually the medication took control over my whole body. I only remember being wheeled into the theatre and the nurses moving me on to the operating table. The lights were very bright and the doctor was chatting with me in order to see how the anesthesia was working. The last thing I remembered was his asking me a simple physics question, "Which kind of light has longer wave lengths? Red or blue ?" Then I completely blacked out.

When I woke up, I saw from the clock that more than one hour had gone by. I thought that someone must have moved the hands on the clock. My whole life had disappeared for that one hour. Where had I been for that hour? Where was that self-independent me? If I could not rely on myself, who could I rely on? Was I relying on the surgeon's scalpel ? or on the nurse who had given me the anaesthetic ? Or was I relying on my father, who was waiting anxiously outside the operating theatre ?

After my surgery I was taken home by my father and "Big Brother". I was thinking that once I got through this, I would be able to "depend on myself" again. The pharmacist would not issue me with pain killers, as when Big Brother went to pharmacy he found that my doctor had forgotten to write down the dosage on the prescription. Realizing that the effects of the anesthesia were wearing off, I called Uncle Chen at the church for help. For the first time in my adult life, almost in tears, I cried out for help.

Uncle Chen was able to handle my emergency. His wife had already made some chicken soup for me. They persuaded the pharmacist to issue me two pain-killer tablets and have them delivered. Sitting at my bedside, Uncle Chen reminded me that from the beginning to the end of my surgery, I had been unable to "depend on myself". Before he left, he asked me a very simple but difficult question "Are you willing to believe and accept Jesus?"

I said, "Yes, I am..." and nodded my head several times, afraid that Uncle Chen may not have heard me. Nodding my head seemed to be the only movement I was capable of as I recovered from the anesthesia.

Detours and short-cuts

On that night of my operation Uncle Chen led me in prayer, accepting Jesus. My father and I were baptized on the same day. From that time on I began to truly experience Jesus' love. It seems that right from the beginning God had been preparing two roads for me: One was the way of depending on Him and the other was of depending on myself. God had been waiting for me, and He had not given up on me although I had rejected Him many times. I had gone off on a detour, but like the loving father waiting for the prodigal son, He had kept the road open for me to reach Him.

I finally broke up with my girl-friend and my parents were relieved. Shortly afterwards I found a sister who had been praying for a boyfriend for many years. Since I was not a Christian, she had just treated me as an ordinary friend. After I became a Christian, we began our courtship. Spending time together on campus every day and studying the Bible together, our relationship became sweet and beautiful.

This summer, I had to prepare to take my qualifying exam for the second time, and this was also my last chance. I had not acquired any more advanced knowledge of physics nor had my IQ been raised, but this time I felt the presence of Jesus with me. Several days before I took my exams, God seemed to speak to me during the nights when I could not sleep. All the questions which I had accumulated over the past few years were resolved. As for the results of my qualifying exam, I was one of the thirteen who passed, out of more than thirty people. Perhaps this is not all that special for students from China, but in comparison with my former attitude when I was not a Christian, I thanked God from the bottom of my heart.

That long-standing question of mine, "Is there such a thing as absolute truth?" is answered and discussed in the book, "Science and Faith". Many people have this question. I think that God has placed "eternal life" in this world so that man will keep on searching for the truth. God is the possessor of absolute truth, and all the rules of physics and science are just part of His creation. His almighty power and character are displayed in the world. Therefore, for me, physics is not simply a degree subject, but a subject that leads me to discover and understand the world God has created. Every physics question that I ask and every experiment I conduct are like dialogues I am carrying on with the world which God created.

The author is from China. He is a Ph.D. student in the Physics Department of the University of California.