Grandpa's Little Darling

- the question of grandparents raising children overseas

Although the baby is one of the main characters in this arrangement, he has no right to an opinion. Even if he were able to express himself, would his choice be respected?

By Yen Xing

There may be some truth in the saying, "America may be small children's heaven, but for adults it is a battlefield". However, whether it becomes a heaven for children is dependent on the decisions of their parents. When young Chinese parents come to North America, this is a challenge many of them face. As soon as a baby comes into the world, the parents may find themselves thrust into this battle. How are they to manage this new situation? A large number of them send their babies back to China to be taken care of by their parents, while they themselves continue on with their lives, careers, or academic pursuit of degrees, free of interruptions.

From the practical perspective of the young couple, this can be a good solution. Life in North America already presents them with many difficulties such as language, academic study, job hunting, and house-moves, and these often produce a sense of instability. Having a baby as well is inconvenient. Especially if the child gets sick, you may face a chaotic situation which is anything but peaceful .

Then, young parents tend to be impatient with young children, and it saves a great deal of trouble if the task of child-raising is handed over to the elderly parents back home in China. The new generation is not simply the third party in the arrangement, either. Grandparents will never reject their grandchildren; rather, they will adore them. And the older generation has so much more experience and patience. Many of them are retired, with plenty of time for full-time child-care. Compared to young parents, they are much more considerate and reliable. The arrangement benefits both sides.

From the cultural perspective, having the older generation bring up the children is a common Chinese practice. Close family relationships are the foundation of Chinese culture, and the continuance of the family blood-line is considered important. From one's ancestors to oneself, then on to the next generation, the life-chain continues unbroken. So having children is a significant element of Chinese marriages. Once a child has been born, the important obligation of the passing on of life has been accomplished, so that giving birth to a child is not simply a personal matter, but an issue affecting the whole family. So it is then quite natural for the grandparents to take responsibility for helping to raise their grandchildren.

Because the grandparents feel that this is their duty, they do not complain, and in fact they are delighted. Seeing four generations under the same roof is a picture of happiness for Chinese. In this cultural atmosphere, parents are as eager to let go of their children as the grandparents are glad to receive them. So, all in all, having one's small child taken care of by its grandparents overseas is a reasonable arrangement. Yet although the above scenario may seem like a win-win situation, there are drawbacks. After the baby has been sent back to China, both the young parents and the grandparents are happy. But what of the advantages and disadvantages for the child ?

Where do the drawbacks lie, then ? These are not so much due to irresponsibility as to a more subtle factor. Culture determines people's behaviour and ways of thinking. In traditional Chinese culture, the older generation are respected, while the needs of young children are neglected. This is one of our cultural blind spots. (I would like to note here that spoiling and indulging children are not ways of valuing the younger generation, but simply sources of pleasure for older people.) Nowadays the importance of the development of the personality, thinking and character of the so-called "little emperor" single child is not recognized. The older generation can impose their wills on the young and put them under a good deal of pressure. They will feel a need to live up to the expectations of their parents and grandparents, and their own choices are often denied. 

Although the baby is one of the main characters in the arrangement, he has no right to express an opinion about it. Even if he could express himself, would his choice be respected? The opinions of older people are considered much more important. The younger generation is always in a position to be manipulated. There is a traditional proverb that "when adults are talking, children must not interrupt". A baby is even younger, so what rights does he have?

If we look at the question from the perspective of the baby, we realize that we are dealing with an issue of modern civilization, and a viewpoint where we are lacking. Over hundreds of years, and even in our adaptation to modern western culture, we have ended up with an over-emphasis on outward formal behaviour, while ignoring quality. In education, we still stress the learning of written characters and the memorizing of classical Chinese books and poems. This all seems to be adult-centered rather than child-centered. 

If we look at the issue from another angle, we will see things very differently. For the baby, the parent-child relationship is of great importance. There is no substitute for parenting. Nurture by one's own parents produces attachment and bonding and this is at the very core of child development, affecting children's whole psychological, emotional and behavioral development, as well as their mental health.

The first three years of life are the foundation of human development. It is during this period that physical and language abilities develop most quickly. A baby needs the care and company of its parents. Cross-generational care is not the same as being cared for by one's own parents. A grandparent's care cannot fulfill the baby's physical and psychological needs. So from the point of view of the baby, the best choice is for it to live with its own parents.

From the above discussion, we can see that all involved in this issue have their own perspectives. But whose perspective is primary? According to statistics collected in China, the popular phenomenon of children being raised by their grandparents shows that Chinese people are putting the emphasis more on the perspective of the parents and grandparents, rather than on that of the baby.

So, behind the popularity of the arrangement, there are real cultural factors involved. From this phenomenon we see that although we have been progressing towards modernization for many years, the nature of our culture still leans towards the retention of old traditions. We still believe in hierarchical relationships and believe that the honored older person must be the foundation of all relationships. In the father-child relationship, the child is to be the "inferior party". The child is beneath the father.

The essential root of modern western culture is Christian culture. In Christian culture, children are not the property of their parents. Both parents and children are children of God, and before God they are equal. Parents are responsible for taking care of their children, since they were entrusted with them by God. And parents cannot make all the decisions for their children. We affirm that this is where the origin and basis of modern parent-child relationships lies. 

When we look at this issue from a Christian perspective, then, it becomes even clearer. Children are given by God as a blessing. Raising children is not simply a life-style, but also a source of blessing. To become parents is to take up a sacred mission, and since it is a mission, we must take it seriously and not fail God. I believe that this is the reason why many young westerners still care for their own children, even while carrying on their careers.

The difficulties young Chinese couples face in raising children overseas is understandable, but we should not use difficulty as an excuse for refusing the responsibility of being parents. Einstein thought through Relativism as he watched by his baby's cradle. Madame Curie raised her two daughters on her own. With examples like these, how can we still find reasons for refusing to take up the responsibilities of being parents?

The author is from China. He does research in literary theory and culture. He now lives in Toronto, Canada.