My Days As a Pastor s "Wife"

by Liu Tong-su

My wife and I have been involved in evangelistic work since the summer of 1995. Under the Lord's guidance, we founded a Chinese church in January 1996. By that time, my wife had already been ordained as a full-time minister while I was still a theological student. So I had to take the title of "pastor's wife". Most of the brothers and sisters in the church called me by my first name, although others tried to find a more fitting title for me. They tried pastor's husband, but that didn't sound right. In fact, the term pastor's wife does not allow any modification or qualification for the sake of gender. This is specially true among Chinese churches because the term pastor's wife is not just a title, it has actually become a very important and indispensable profession.

Once my wife and I went to a Chinese church annual conference. On the first day, as was customary, all fellow-workers who were new to the conference were expected to introduce themselves. After my wife had introduced herself, I stood up and said: "I'm not actually a fellow-worker like you all. I've come to this annual conference as a pastor's wife." I was simply joking, but my words were greeted by long enthusiastic applause from all the pastors'wives at the conference. As the standing ovation continued, I suddenly realized that we pay too little respect to the work and sacrifice of our pastors' wives in the church. In Chinese churches, pastors' wives have names but they do not have titles. They work, but they do not get paid. Most of the ads looking for pastors require the candidates to be married. Among other reasons, this qualification requirement more or less reflects the idea of getting two for the price of one.

Everybody who has been in a church knows that, in the Lord's service, a pastor's wife is as important a co-worker in the church as the pastor himself. Whether or not she has another job outside the church, she must still walk the path of the Cross together with the pastor, and she works alongside him in the church. She cares for the church as much as the pastor does; she is involved in daily church activities as much as he is; she suffers and remains loyal to the Lord as much as the pastor does. Nevertheless, as we look around at so many well-known pastors, how many well-known pastors' wives do we see? I thank the Lord that he allowed me to begin my service to Him in such a servant role, one that needs the spirit of the Cross more than any other.

In the church, the pastor's wife is a high-ranking official without a rank. This doesn't mean that she does nothing, nor does it mean that she actually controls everything like many no-title high-ranking officials in government. But it is she who looks after all the things that nobody else cares about. Is the floor clean enough? Are the doors locked? Are the windows closed? Are the garbage cans full? Are the lights out before everybody leaves? Are there enough chairs? Is there enough to eat? All these chores are what pastors' wives do without us realizing it.

I was raised in a family of high-ranking officials. I went to special boarding schools that only admitted children of high-ranking officials. We had housekeepers at home. I hardly knew anything about household chores and we never needed to do them anyway. When I grew up, I studied modern western philosophy and I was too arrogant to do any of the jobs that servants were supposed to do. Even after I believed in the Lord, I still found myself busily thinking about the Chinese nation and the Chinese people (Note: when Chinese intellectuals talk about nation and people, their conversations are often full of sentimentality about politics and about the nation's future, but not of the actual nuts and bolts of daily life). However, my life as a pastor's wife made me realize how inadequate my life was and the shallowness of my spiritual growth. Spiritual growth does not come independent of our seemingly ordinary everyday life. The more ordinary the situation, the more exciting our spiritual life may be. The Cross starts off in dark shades. All the golden decorations are added later.

A pastor's wife is often the church's fill-in person. The pastor himself is indispensable; the co-workers do their own work in their own positions. But whenever there is a vacancy it is the pastor's wife who becomes the default substitute. As a pastor's wife, I often had to become the emergency substitute with very little advance notice or no notice at all. I substituted for main speakers, worship leaders, interpreters, ushers and Sunday school teachers. One day, both the speaker and the worship leader were late and I had to step forward and sing a song. To the church's brothers and sisters I joked: "If the church gives out an award for the best substitute like the NBA's Sixth Man Award, I will be the best qualified candidate."

One day, we invited a renowned speaker, whom I respected a lot, to speak at one of our church's important gatherings. It was our first baptism ceremony. The ceremony was just about to start when we heard that our respected speaker had got stuck in traffic and couldn't get to church in time nor could he have notified us earlier. I was told to be the replacement speaker but I was given only five minutes to prepare. Thanks to the Lord's gracious support I was able to give a fluent message quoting from Genesis to Romans, and covering other people's spiritual life as well as my own and the two kinds of life before and after baptism. My talk lasted almost an hour (because we were still waiting for the renowned speaker to show up to perform the baptism ceremony). Interestingly enough, among the audience was a theological professor from Yale University. In response to my sermon his comment was: "Thorough!" Another pastor said: "A real Gospel message !" I felt like the greatest fill-in of them all.

Before I believed in the Lord, I had been extremely self-centered. I never made compromises, nor was I ever willing to adapt myself to be considerate to others. I believed I was unique. Nobody could take my place, nor would I be willing to be a substitute for others. When the editor of a professional magazine altered a few words of my thesis, I immediately got mad at him. As a pastor's wife, however, I have learned to obey the Lord's will. I no longer talk about what I am good at doing, nor what I am willing to do, but what God wants me to do and what the church needs me to do.

A pastor's wife is the church's mother-figure. Whether or not she has biological children of her own, she is still deeply concerned for everybody's spiritual progress and daily lives. Like a mother, a pastor's wife is committed to living with a loving heart. I was the youngest in my family. I had two older brothers and two older sisters. I grew up in a very favorable environment where we hired as many as three house-helps. I was used to being the master rather than the servant. As a pastor's wife, I had no choice but to learn to care for the brothers and sisters in the church. I knew it would take me a while to learn to care for others like a mother with her children. But I did learn to share the burden of those who were suffering hardship, to bring medicines to those who were sick, to do shopping for sisters in the church who were pregnant, and to cook meals for those who had just had their babies. The newly pregnant I would introduce to older sisters who were able to share their experience with them. For sisters who were about to give birth, I would see that a baby-shower party was arranged for them. I would make sure that those who were moving house had enough help. For those who had domestic disputes, I would provide counseling. In short, I had learned to provide more love to other people during those days.

A pastor's wife is also supposed to deal with public relations. While the pastor often finds himself busy dealing with all kinds of important matters, the pastor's wife naturally takes on the tasks of entertaining guests. Although I used to be an arrogant and solitary intellectual, as the pastor's wife, I learned to become very sociable.

I thank the Lord who provided me with a path from which I have learned the important spiritual lesson of achieving high goals from a seemingly low position and obtaining glory from the ordinary. I was very proud of my position because it was given to me by the Lord and because it was necessary for the development of the church. As a pastor's wife, I was often there at the doorway of the church building to greet those who came to church. If they were newcomers, I would take them on a tour of the church facilities and go through our church activity schedules with them. When I was done talking, most people would ask: "Are you the pastor of this church?" To this I always replied proudly: "No, I am the pastor's wife of this church."

The author came from Beijing. He did philosophical research in Yale University before studying theology. Now he is a pastor of a Chinese church in Connecticut.