Close to You, In Poems

By Huang Zhi-hong

Miss the chance of meeting the spring breeze

How did the world come into existence? How will it end? Does man have a soul? Does God exist? What is the purpose of human life? How is life meant to be lived?

In spite of the surprised looks on the faces of the adults and my own fruitless heart searching, these questions kept bothering me; I could neither find the answers to them nor get away from them.

In the heady days of political movements, we had had to criticize a series of books about Confucianism. One of the target was Di Zi Gui, and ironically this book opened up a new world for me. It prompted me to search for a better moral world, although I could not find that it offered any hope for the individual as over against society in general. Confucianism and Legalism had fought each other for centuries but neither one had found a home for the human soul. Equally unwilling to live as an outcasts form the world or to endure their loneliness of soul, many walked on in the darkness, wandering without direction or perishing in despair. One after another they penned laments, some long ,some short, recording their nostalgic yearnings for a particular age, a particular dynasty, or simply a set of footprints that had belonged to another hopeless soul. As the poem put it:

Like a delicate shadow emerging on a wild, snowy plain,
You leap into life as all other trees are perishing;
Just because you miss the chance to meet with spring breeze,
For thousands of years you have been the poets' dearest theme.

On Plum Blossom, April 8, 1982.

The world is ours if we turn around

In the summer of 1990, I was assigned to go to Beijing to escort some foreign teachers to the city where I lived. When I learned that they were all Christians, I was very excited because I was certain they could provide answers to many of my questions. As early as the days of the Cultural Revolution; I had heard about Jesus Christ; but over all those years I had still not been able to fathom out why so many people in the world believed in him, or who Jesus was.

So began the summer English program. As an interpreter, I was able to work closely with these American teachers and I had many opportunities to have discussions with them. Due to the success of the program, it was decided that these American teachers would be invited to run the program every summer and I was able to continue to serve as their interpreter. Thus more opportunities came my way to better understand Western culture as well as these teachers' personal beliefs.

One Saturday afternoon in the summer of 1993, I was chatting with their leader as I often did. I was very surprised when she said they were all sinners. I could not understand how such nice people could be sinners. Then she began to tell me about Jesus' death and its meaning. Suddenly I felt as if my heart had been broken open and my tears began to flow. I knew that I had finally found what I had been looking for. I gave thanks for the salvation wrought by Jesus on the Cross. And I was especially filled with joy at his resurrection.

From that moment, although the nature world around me remained the same, everything else changed. In the depths of my heart I experienced the joy of the new birth, of God-given peace and love. My life journey took on new meaning and my daily life opened on to new horizons. As the poem put it:

Oh, how our life goes up and down,
While years have slipped away in tears.
The dead shall hear our mournful tunes,
Sad dirges call forth their souls.
Though we the fortunate live still,
Our days are lost in ruthless dust.
Before we sigh for loss of youth,
The world is ours if we turn around.

What do I need

On September 10, 1997, I boarded the airplane on my way to America. Rather than sharing the excitement and joy everybody else was experiencing, I was feeling somewhat confused. Between 1991 and 1994, I had had several opportunities to go abroad and turned them all down. At the very time that I was least likely to go abroad, however, here I was bidding my hometown farewell. During the last few years I had been honored by both the city and the province for my career achievements. I had also published a few books, one of which had even made me quite famous. And because of all this I had also acquired some enviable privileges.

A person should feel wonderful at seeing the realization of his dreams. Nevertheless, the satisfaction of these secular vanities only intensified my emptiness of soul, and this in its turn encouraged me to continue the search for life's true meaning. This searching was painful, often accompanied by a sense of alienation and uncertainty. I tried to read the Bible. But not only did I fail to understand it, it only added to my confusion by presenting me with even more unsolved questions. So I gave up. Although it seemed as if I had a great career ahead of me, I felt that there were other signs urging me to give up my comfortable and peaceful life for a time and to go abroad. I didn't really know for sure why I wanted to leave home, but this was the path I took anyway, and without any trouble I easily obtained a visa to the USA.

Alabama State University in Troy was a very nice school in gracious surroundings. I was amazed to see the numerous churches around the campus. On the second day after my arrival, curiosity brought me to the Campus Fellowship. And so my new life kicked off. On October 12, 1997, I was baptized in church.

My academic studies were smooth sailing, but I was still not sure why I had chosen to come to America. I had got used to a comfortable and stable lifestyle, and I could not justify to myself toiling away simply to acquire another degree. I was really confused. I sighed:

Thousands of miles, thousands of books;
Searching and searching: What am I looking for?

Greatly touched

I was happy to have earned my degree as planned in June 1998, but I also felt unsettled. I still had this strong anxiety in my heart to read the Bible! But I still could not understand it and this worried me. At that time, one of my friends gave me a painting of Jesus calling for his disciples: "Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men." I hung the picture on my wall and gazed at it every day. Then I heard a voice in my heart repeating the words: "Follow me! Follow me!" It made me nervous.

I started to gather information about Bible schools. But when I realized I couldn't really afford to go I felt quite relieved because I finally had an excuse for not pursuing the idea any further. I said to God, "Oh Lord, if you want me to lay down everything to follow you, then give me a sign and grant me a scholarship." But I knew very clearly that it would be almost impossible for me to obtain a scholarship. So I started dreaming about going back to China to make tons of money. To my great surprise, however, the Reforms Theological Seminary agreed to provide me a scholarship. Two days earlier a Korean student who had obtained a scholarship had advised the Seminary of his withdrawal due to financial reasons in Korea.

When all the forms arrived, I again said to God, "Oh Lord, you don't really still want me to go to this seminary, do you? But if you do, please also provide for me the three thousand dollars that the school requires me to contribute personally." Once again I asked for a sign. Unbelievably the next evening I received a phone call from a friend of mine in Florida. She had heard about my situation through my roommate and had persuaded her church to support me. Although I had known God's protection in the past, I had never so truly experienced God's guidance. It made me both full of joy and astonished. All my friends around me were also amazed. Even today, I am still filled with wonder whenever I was reminded of this.

All worries were gone

After I obtained my MA degree in education in August 1998, I enrolled at the Reforms Seminary. But soon that strange sense of anxiety returned. The library in this well-known Seminary was huge, but there was only a very small collection devoted to the Chinese churches. I felt confused and worried that God might have led me to the wrong place. Some time later, I chanced to hear about Christian Witness Theological Seminary. I did not take much notice at first, but the inner urge within me grew stronger and stronger so that I could no longer concentrate on my studies.

I prayed with my academic advisor before contacting Christian Witness Theological Seminary. Then on October 5 I transferred to this small school. When I saw the rich collection of books about Chinese churches in the library, I smiled in my heart because I knew that this was where God wanted me to be. Although I had to give up my scholarship and pledge for my own tuition and living expenses, I never doubted God's faithfulness. As He had led me in the past, He would continue to do so still.

The new semester began. By God's grace I have never found myself in need. More importantly I have been aware of a deep spiritual joy. I have truly experienced rebirth. Through God's salvation, I have finally found answers to those questions that had puzzled me for years. As the poem puts it:

Embracing the joyful rebirth,
How swiftly my heart leaps toward the light.
Freed from the bondage of sins,
How wonderful my life becomes.
Oh, the rejoicing wings of my spirit,
Have replaced the heavy steps of my heart.
Oh Lord, I turn around,
And see your glorious name on the Cross.

New Life December 12, 1998

The author studies in the Seminary in North California.