The Dark-Eyed Susan

By Wang Xiao-dan

A wafted breeze brushed by, bringing to me the fragrance from a sea of flowers far away. Like electricity sweeping throughout my body, the all so familiar melancholy and the much-anticipated joy overwhelmed me once again like tidal waves.

It was deep fall, but it was still pretty warm in the southern state of Oklahoma. By now the leaves should have been falling and the trees bare. But this year the trees were still rich and colorful. Green, gold and scarlet, they overlapped each other to form a brilliant and eye-catching picture.

Indeed I hadn't had the leisure to enjoy nature for a long time. Since I gave birth to my two children, my days had become really short, as if I was in a battlefield every minute. The opponent might be a child or it might be myself. Sometimes it was neither of the two, but my own mood of depression, for no good reason.

In the deep of the night when the children were in bed, I would occasionally look at myself in the mirror; then I would sit down and stare blankly. Thinking of the past, I often doubted if that longhaired girl full of wonderful ideas had ever existed in this world. But these blank moments of mine were rare, as my life was already filled with all kinds of chores.

Then came the morning of late fall when I ran into that eye-catching picture. Had it not happened, perhaps I would still have had to struggle through the endless chores.

That morning, the sun was unusually bright and I was on my way home after I had dropped off the children at day care, driving as usual past a vast green field. Unexpectedly the field was no longer green. Instead, it was covered by some kind of golden flower. These little golden flowers covered the entire green field. They looked like a vast ocean reflecting the shining golden light under the bright sun.

I couldn't help but park my car on the side of the road and rush into the flowers. My excitement took me all the way back to my childhood where, on a rainy morning, I walked along a wet path leading to the woods looking for five-petalled lilacs. Lilacs were usually four-petalled and I had been told the minute I found a five-petalled lilac I would find happiness. Perhaps there is no five-petalled lilac in the world; at least I have never seen one. But have I found happiness? I think I have. Consider that blurring of melancholy and rich anticipation I had to deal with all by myself; consider too my whole heart being filled with that far off but stimulating memory. That experience itself was a kind of happiness, wasn't it?

I stared at a little golden flower in front of me. The external shape looked like that of a small sunflower. A circular dark core occupied the middle, like a curious eye watching me in return. If the flower had a spirit, it would be really confused: You stupid thing, why do you confide your anxiety to this common flower?

"Hello!"

The voice startled me. I didn't realize there was somebody so close by.

I turned around and saw an older woman standing behind me with a mini camera in her hand.

"That's just beautiful!" she exclaimed.

"Yes indeed, these flowers are beautiful!" I agreed.

"Not just the flowers. What a wonderful picture, having you standing among the flowers that help by outlining you and your light blue sweater! I just took a picture of you. Do you mind me doing that?"

"Not at all." I was a bit embarrassed.

"The one I just took must be fabulous!" she continued. "In fact I came here yesterday and took a lot of pictures. But I felt like something was missing. Today I met you. Now it seems perfect. Nothing is missing any more."

"Really? If only it were a young girl standing in the flowers, that would be even better, don't you think?" I don't know why I said this. Perhaps I had a problem with self-image deep in myself and I often felt I was worth much less than the intelligent girl I used to be.

"Oh, no." The older woman denied. "There is beauty in every stage of life. The flower buds in spring certainly have their beauty. But flowers in autumn are just as wonderful, like these Dark-eyed Susans?

Dark-eyed Susan! This was the first time had I ever heard of that name. What an interesting name! According to Western aesthetic standards, the oriental black hair and dark eyes are considered beautiful. And yet I was extremely surprised to see this little wild flower that blossoms in the fields of Western America carrying a name with a strong oriental flavor! How wonderful!

I looked at this older woman once again. She appeared to be well over sixty years old. Deep wrinkles on her face seemed to indicate her youth was long gone. But she appeared so optimistic. Hidden in her smile was endless kindness and consideration. The skinny figure stood among the flowers, strong and steady. I was touched. I said to her: "May I take a picture of you?"

She handed the camera over to me with a smile of appreciation.

In the next few days, the wild field of the blooming Dark-eyed Susans, together with the face of that woman so full of wisdom, often came back to my mind. I am so thankful for the grace of the Creator, who always delivers His heavenly revelation to me at just the right time so that I can make an adjustment in my life and have a better life. I cannot refuse His grace, and so I can only be thankful and receive this heavenly grace with a humble heart.

Oh, thank you, Dark-eyed Susan!

The author graduated from the Chinese Department of Shanghai's East China Normal College. She used to be the editor of Nanjing's Flower Rain Magazine. Now she lives in Oak Spring, Oklahoma, USA.