Who Can Tell a Youngster's Heart

At that time, I was merely a thirteen-year-old middle school student. But I had a strong sense of self-esteem envied by many.

By Dang Sheng

Psychic reading in a card game

Like many adolescents in China, I was born in an atheist family. During my childhood, my mother told me there was no god or demons in this world. Both my parents were medical doctors. For me there were two significant rooms in the hospital: one was the mortuary and the other was the anatomy lab. I never saw what was in the first room as the door was always locked. The other room was right next to my mother's office and in there were various anatomy diagrams and human figures, including pictures of human skulls, pictures of human skeletons and a skinless muscle model. Every time I went to the hospital to see Mom, I always hoped I could run into her before I reached her office. Mom seemed to know exactly how I felt but she always wanted to train me to be brave. She would want me to go to the anatomy lab with her. She would shake the skeletons and she would ask me to touch them too. She would also tell me what the mortuary was. Then she would say to me: "There is nothing after death. What is in the mortuary is just the same as what's in the lab. The only difference is that is real and this is faked."

I had a lot of respect for Mom. She was a perfect atheist. She spoke with intelligence and she was smart and brave. As I grew older, however, I began to have different opinions about her. We had a lot of visitors at home. Mom was very hospitable. She was very entertaining too. One of her games our guests liked the most was a card game that would tell one's future. Mom was not only pretty good at the game, she also knew psychic reading and she was able to vividly tell the life story of any individual. Everybody liked to hear her and all visitors enjoyed playing these games.

"Wow! How smart these cards are! They can even tell what you plan to do!"

"It has nothing to do with the cards. Our life is predestined."

"Mom, is this superstitious?"

"Not at all! These games are based on profound wisdom. They are very scientific

too. But please don't share this with anyone!"

For many years after that, I still remember my mother's seriousness when she said these words. I often asked myself: is the idea of a deity the result of some kind of brainwashing or the idea of atheism the result of some kind of brainwashing? If it is the former, then why is it that kids naturally have an inexplicable fear of the supernatural? And why is it also true for adults who have gone through the so-called ideological transformation? It is obviously inadequate to say these people are ignorant. How are we supposed to explain the fact that a lot of Chinese scholars, who have received atheist education, insist on denying God and yet readily accept abstract things like psychic reading? I really want to know if there is a true atheist in the world.

Isn't education supposed to make us smarter? There are things that kids understand right away without learning. For adults, however, the more they study them, the more confused they will be.

New immigrants in Hong Kong

I went to middle school shortly after we immigrated to Hong Kong. My parents did not believe in God but they put me in a Christian school nonetheless. They said the school provided a good atmosphere and ensured good grades. There was a weekly morning assembly in which a minister would give a half-hour speech on the stage. It was boring! When he was done, he would ask everybody to bow and pray. How interesting! People really closed their eyes and bowed their heads. Those had to be Christians. What did Christians really believe?

Soon there were Christian classmates who came to preach to me. They told me a lot of things I did not understand; then they asked me if I wanted to believe in Jesus. I thought it was the most ridiculous thing ever! I asked them:

"Does God really exist?"

"Certainly!" Their answer was affirmative.

"Have you met him?"

"No."

"How do you know God exists then?"

"..." They couldn't answer! Then they said: "You can feel it if you believe it."

How funny! What stupidity! I kept throwing more questions at them. Oh my God! It seemed they had never thought of these questions before. They couldn't even answer these simple questions, but how could they just believe? I remembered my teacher back in China had said that superstition was to fool ignorant people. But people had to be really stupid in order to be fooled. I said to myself: "Christianity manages to survive because of stupid people like you. But I am a smart guy. How can I do what you do? It is true that this school provides a good atmosphere and ensures good grades. This is because Christian students are all good, obedient students. But they will not have a bright future because they rely on God."

At that time, I was merely a thirteen-year-old middle school student. But I had a strong sense of self-esteem envied by many. I unquestionably took it for granted that all religious people were superstitious and ignorant. I looked down upon them; I despised them, I even pitied them. I was proud of myself because I grew up under the red flag and I had a liberal mindset.

Despite all this, I had to admit that they were finer people and more sincere than I was and they had a bigger loving heart too. Shortly after I came to Hong Kong, I found I had lost my favorable social status: I did not understand Cantonese. I did not understand traditional Chinese writing. And I did not understand English. My classmates made fun of me; my teacher wanted me to repeat a year; my parents accused me of under-performance. I hated my classmates who laughed at me; I was jealous of those who were better than I was. I tried to build up my own gang and I also tried to bribe the teachers who were supposed to give my grades. In short, I had experienced what a new immigrant kid was supposed to experience. I only did not know if other kids were as wicked as I was. Indeed I felt I was internally so wicked that I did not even dare to confront myself.

Even now I shudder whenever I remember what I did back then. Although I am not a very smart person, I am not stupid either. If I had not become a Christian today, I can't imagine what kind of horrible things I might have done.

My Christian classmates were surprisingly lovely, though silly. They never seemed to spend any time in wicked deeds. They appeared silly, but they were sincere. And they showed a loving heart too. They did not become my enemies and they did not join my gang either. I was pretty comfortable dealing with them because I did not have to play defense. My questions to them were sometimes very critical, but they were never mad at me. Rather they came to me again and again to the extent that I felt sorry for them. Maybe... Maybe some of the Christian doctrines were positive. Didn't Mom also admit that religion was to teach people to be good? I believed Christian theories were intended to promote morality, but in the wrong way - they made up a divine being to scare people. Now that these Christians often came to invite me to church, perhaps I could just go and listen. Maybe I could accept Christianity with no god. You see, how humble and how open-minded I was!

The wonderful first time

I was full of curiosity and defensiveness when I went to church for the first time. I wondered what kind of place it was. It all started with a hymn. It was disgusting! "May all waters become ink; may the blue sky and vast earth become paper. But they are still not enough, when believers write about the grace of the Lord..." It reminded me of our worship of Mao. When the hymn was over, somebody took the stage and gave testimony. At first I thought this was a witness ready to testify against somebody who committed a crime. Soon I figured out this was self-criticism. It reminded me of something I was often supposed to do when I was a first-grade kid. I was very surprised people were still doing it. The speaker was so emotional that he frequently wept. I didn't like it at all. "He doesn't really have to act like that!"

Then another person took the stage and gave a long and boring speech that reminded me of an old Party branch secretary. I thought I was a much better speaker when I represented the youth pioneers in grade school. Finally, the second speaker was done. I didn't hear a word of what he said. I figured some of the audience must have fallen asleep by now. Then came another hymn that must have wakened up some of us. Then something to eat and something to drink was passed to everybody. "What is this anyway? Maybe I should pass." Wow, I was lucky not to take it! Shortly after that bags were passed around and everybody began to put money into them. "How much did that food cost? I didn't eat any, so maybe I don't have to pay." Fortunately, my classmate who sat next to me quickly passed the bag over me so that I didn't have time to feel embarrassed. Oh my God! It took two and a half-hours before the assembly was finally over. It seemed my school's weekly morning assembly wasn't that bad after all.

Before I could find a breathing space, a lot of people came to greet me. Some of them said they wanted to pray for me. "But I don't know you." Their hospitality, though, made me feel pretty warm.

"How do you feel about your first visit here?"

"Well, pretty good!" But I said to myself: " You guys come here every week to go through this? Is this by your own will or not?"

"Great! We'd like to invite you to come again next week."

"OK! OK!" But I said to myself: "We'll see."

I thought the assembly was over, but that was just a half-time break. Then there was the second half - Sunday school. They said they would buy me a lunch after school. OK. I'll stay. They began to divide people into smaller groups. I was also appointed to one of the groups. They opened the Bible. The leader read a couple of verses. Then everybody started to share his or her thoughts about these verses. At last the leader summarized. All of these reminded me of our political study classes where we diligently studied Mao's works. So Christianity used the same kind of means like the Communist Party to deceive people? The only difference between the two was that one used Mao and the other used God. But Mao was a real person after all. What was God? I was yet to find out anything good about Christianity.

The aftershock of the mad age

Such was my first impression of church. Those who do not have any experience of the Cultural Revolution will never understand how I felt that day. I used to devote my ultimate sincerity and respect to the Party and the great leader of the people. I used to weep and confess in front of Mao's portrait. I used to do all I could to memorize Mao's teachings, to obey him and to do whatever the Party wanted me to do. I used to become very emotional when I heard The East Is Red or when I saw Mao in the movies. I used to feel sorry that I had to leave our advanced socialist country and emigrate to the dark capitalist society.

The mad age of the Cultural Revolution was over. And I too woke up outside of China. Oh how silly and ignorant I had been! But now I was awakened. How could I become silly and ignorant once again and devote myself to another object? Not to mention I was not even clear if such an object really existed. It was difficult for me to accept Christianity not only because of the intellectual obstacle but emotional confusion as well. I was envious of Christian life and I respected Christians too. But I couldn't just believe like other Christians did. I couldn't get this over with.

Indeed, I had had a very confused understanding about God and eternity ever since my childhood. From a trained atheist with contempt, resistance, skepticism and confusion about Christianity to becoming a Christian, I had been through a series of radical inner struggles and ideological transformation. Because of the tremendous and real struggle, perhaps, my belief in God today cannot be weakened. Likewise, because I had had such an experience, I can understand all the more those who have had the same background as myself.

Recently I had a chance to discuss my belief with a few scholars from China. Their arrogance was exactly what I had in the past. Many of them had never read the Bible and they had never been to church. When they talked about Christianity, however, they acted as if they were experts in this area. In fact, it was no discussion at all because before we started to talk, all had made their own conclusion about Christianity.

"Christian organization is not much different from that of the Communist Party."

"Christianity and Communism share the same ideology. The only difference lies in their means to achieve such ideology. One of them uses love and the other uses hatred."

"Isn't Jesus the same kind of person as Lei Feng? The resurrection of Jesus is equivalent to the living spirit of Lei Feng."

When a person has a fixed mindset and he believes his is the only way of thinking it is not surprising that he will judge everything around him with this mindset. It is unfortunate that we get such a rigid mindset due to not having a choice. This was true for me, then just a teenager, let alone those respected scholars who had received a secular education for many years. It is true that many people today have abandoned the theories of Marxism; nevertheless, our materialistic dialectics have been deeply rooted in us.

Christianity enjoys a history of over two thousand years, compared to Marxism's one hundred. But Marx, Lenin and other Communist leaders all grew up in a Christian environment and all were deeply impacted by Christian ideas and culture. For this reason, the Communist Party has a lot in common with Christianity with its slogans and assembly rituals. For the Chinese people who have no Christian background and no contact with church, they will believe that Christianity mimics the Communist Party. I presume people in Eastern Europe, though under a similar kind of Communist impact, will not be as confused as the Chinese people. At least they possess a deep Christian heritage. This is consistent with the fact that the Communist Party's atheistic education that lasts for dozens of years fails to completely erase Confucianism and Taoism from the Chinese people.

One more point. Although China's materialists resent all superstition, their hatred toward Christianity is far deeper than that of other religions. We read in Marx's works direct attacks against Christianity; we accept the notion that Christianity equals imperialist aggression. Chinese scholars' understanding of Christianity is often limited to second-hand information. They do not have a chance to read the Bible themselves, nor are they willing to. But they often believe they completely understand Christianity and they refuse to consider any concept that is contradictory to what they already have in mind. Such is exactly the case with overseas Chinese scholars! After all, this is not merely a matter of rationality. To admit what we have always believed in is wrong is to proclaim the ultimate collapse of our entire world outlook. Besides rationality, there is sentiment and courage involved too. I have been a Christian for quite a few years now. In retrospect, I still find it hard to imagine I actually did it.

The delicate day

Right after I went to church for the first time, I said to myself that I shouldn't have to go again now that I had seen what it was like. I had promised them only out of courtesy that I would go again; but to my great surprise, they remembered my promise. As the next Sunday was approaching, I received phone calls from four or five people, inviting me to join one of their special gatherings. It was hard for me to say no as I was dealing with some really hospitable people. OK, I'll go, I said to myself. But then more invitations came in one after another, invitations from fellowships and Sunday school class. Then there was the Faith class, the Guitar class, the Gospel spelling class, etc. If it hadn't been summer vacation, I wouldn't have had a chance to deal with all of them. Indeed, I never had much interest in the content of the gatherings. I was pleased because I found I was drawing a lot of attention. Here, there was no enemy and all were my good friends. Not bad at all!

It didn't take long before I realized that I had difficulty communicating with them although I was usually very entertaining. First of all, I noticed their common phrases were very peculiar. When somebody was ill, they said this person was "weak in their flesh". When they invited somebody to pray, they said: "May so and so please speak up." They did not say, "contribute", but "present". They did not say "preach", but "release a message". When they obtained revelation from the Bible, they said they were enlightened. Other common words included fellowship, temptation, fall, fruitful, breaking oneself etc. Some of them were grammatically wrong it seemed to me. Whenever I heard them talking like that, I felt very confused and respectful too. I figured that behind these words there had to be something spiritual that I was not aware of.

And this was not it! What puzzled me all the more was their reaction when I talked to them. Heavily impacted by the Chinese culture ever since I was a child, I had cultivated a bad habit of boasting and flattering. When I was a child, all adults around me talked like that. They often praised each other, although I could immediately tell most of them meant just the opposite. When I spoke to the church members, however, boasting and bragging as usual, they often smiled and did not echo what I said. I was embarrassed. Sometimes I became really talkative to them and they still did not say anything. Ever since my childhood, I had been pretty smart. For various audiences I knew what to say and what not to say. I knew what they liked to hear and what they did not like to hear. And I was able to control my language under all circumstances. This was probably a unique skill I had learned during the Cultural Revolution. At church, nevertheless, my skill did not work any more. What in the world did these people want to hear? It seemed whatever I said was not interesting to them. In front of them, I looked nervous and stupid, like a sinner in the assembly of the righteous, like chaff that the wind blows away (Ps. 1:4-5).

I had spent an inexplicable period of time with them. My relationship with them was pretty delicate. On the one hand I was very interested in them, and on the other hand I looked down upon them. I was curious about Christians' psychological aspects, and I looked down upon them for their lack of rationality. Despite all this, I was overwhelmed with a sense of both security and fear by their love, truthfulness and high moral standards. I felt secure because I knew my enemies were not among them; I was afraid because they made me see the ugly and dirty side of myself. Sometimes I thought I really shouldn't go any more. But when it was time to go, I always went anyway.

That day in my junior year

It was a Saturday afternoon in July in my third year of middle school. I went to the Fellowship as usual. The activity that day was to distribute fliers. They said the activity would be conducted on the street and it might not be appropriate for me. What should I do then? So they appointed one person to stay at church to chat with me. The person asked how I felt about the church and how I felt about Christianity. I replied: "In fact, I believe..." Then I replied with what I believed to be the most objective and most insightful point of view. Over time I have come to realize that every time I feel I have some unique and concise opinions that prompt me to talk like an expert, it is also the time I show my own stupidity.

The other person quietly waited till I was finished. I couldn't tell how much he really bought my opinions, but he gave a seemingly irrelevant reply, which consisted of four parts, all of which were pre-arranged. He called them the four laws of spirituality.

The four parts started with an assertion that God had a wonderful plan for me! Secondly, human beings offended God by committing sins. Having said that, this person felt he needed to explain this further. First and foremost, what was sin? He went ahead and explained that sin did not mean crime; it was a sin within us. Probably he was not sure if a youngster like me could really understand what it meant by "a sin within us". So he brought up a lot of detailed examples: arrogance, jealousy, hypocrisy, greed, deceit and gossip.

Oh no, he was talking about me. All of a sudden, I seemed to be standing naked in front of him. I felt extremely ashamed and irritated. How I wished to hide myself right there and then! Could it be that my classmates had somehow told this person bad things about me? If not, why did this person say so many bad things about me? I lowered my head and said nothing.

I couldn't find a word to say, which made this person believe I did not really understand it. So he continued: "Suppose today's technology were so advanced that they could display everything you have in your mind on screen by putting two disks on your head. Would you invite your friends to come and watch this movie?"

Indeed, I did not have the courage! I myself would not dare to watch, let alone my friends. My inner self told me I was not my true self. My real characteristics were dirty! Why did I disguise myself? I did that because I hoped others would love me and accept me. In other words, without the disguise, I would not be loved and accepted.

"Whatever you don't like others to know, God knows every single bit of it. Furthermore, whatever you think, or talk, or do in the dark will one day be played back, like a video tape, in front of His judgment throne."

At that moment, and exactly at that moment, it seemed that God appeared before me. Indeed, I could hide from other people, but a voice inside me was accusing me. Whom did the voice talk to? At that moment, I no longer asked whether God really existed because He was right before me. I was completely overwhelmed by a sense of guilt so that my mind had no room for reasoning. It seemed to me God had been transformed from a visiting object in my mind or a remote him into a main subject or a face-to-face you. Prior to that, I was also aware of my own hypocrisy. In fact I used to confess wrong doings before Mao's portrait, but this time the experience was completely different. I seemed to feel something very real - God was right in front of me and God was in me. Besides, He was able to see through everything about me. And I was not able to escape from Him. I was afraid!

"But," the other person continued, "God loves you. Even if you refuse Him or reject Him, He is still willing to accept you. He sent His own son to shed his blood for you and pay for your sins..."

God loved me? How could God love a person who did not even love himself? But I had always confronted God with an attitude! In ten minutes, my state of mind experienced several huge transformations. It started out with arrogance, followed by discourse, then irritation and embarrassment, followed by fear and finally remorse and pain. Then, a warm stream filled my whole body as if God who was standing right in front of me opened up his arms and invited me to fall into him. Before I knew it, I was weeping.

I couldn't remember which part of the law of spirituality he was now telling me, but I did hear the last question he asked: "Would you like to accept Jesus Christ as your savior?" My throat was stuck and I couldn't say a word. I nodded. And that was all I was able to do.

He was so excited that he held my hands and asked me to pray with him. Following the Amen, he declared that I was a Christian now. Shortly after that, other Christian friends came back. When they learned that I too had accepted Jesus, they were all very excited. I was a little bit lost at their reaction.

God played a trick on me

Since I became a Christian, I have heard from quite a few people how they became Christians. Everybody has his or her unique experience. But for intellectuals who come from China and who come to believe in Jesus overseas, I share some commonality. Most of them do not have any direct exposure to Christianity, but they make judgments based on indirect evidence, humanism and materialistic dialectics. This, coupled with their blind worship of rationality, makes them extremely critical to Christians. On the other hand, they come to church because of irrationality. Sometimes they feel lonely or homesick. Sometimes they run into day-to-day problems like illness, unemployment, financial crisis or overwhelming schoolwork. They have always believed they have the ability to solve all problems by themselves; now they find out that they are human after all. Sometimes they are curious and positive about Christianity because it brought democracy, liberty and civilizing progress to Western countries. However, when you try to preach to them about Christian faith, they immediately bring up a lot of questions concerning rationality. They all believe Christians are irrational and are not as smart as they are. Nevertheless, even if Christians fail to answer their questions, do you think they will feel good about it? Not really! Deep in their mind they are self-contradictory. On the one hand, they hope all that Christians talk about is real, or they wouldn't bother coming to church. On the other hand, they cannot overcome their own reasoning as senior intellectuals.

But God is humorous. He has a lot of wonderful means to confront those who only worship their own brains. I often hear these comments from overseas Chinese scholars:

"I thought I would believe if they could answer my rational questions. But..."

"I did not realize my questions were not really questions until after I believed."

"God played a trick on me..."

I used to confront Christianity whenever I heard about it. Then I became curious about it. Then I became a Christian. Finally I have become spiritually firm. All of this took over ten years. In retrospect, I can only exclaim - My life itself speaks for the truthfulness of God.

The author lives in Hong Kong. He is an English teacher in college.