The Generation Gap

Interviewed by Xiong Ju

The second generation Chinese immigrants may reside under the same roof as their parents, but they actually live in a completely different cultural environment. Very few families understand this problem and fewer still have made adequate preparations for it. As a result, there can be enormous tension between parents and their children.

This article is an interview with a sophomore at the University of California. When the interviewee was in high school, he had become a gang leader despite going to a first-class school. In the end, thanks to a personal reawakening and to the love of his parents, he turned himself around. Hopefully, through him we may gain some understanding of today's adolescents and of what they are saying, in the hope that this might be of some help to today's parents.

Q: What do you think constitutes the biggest gap between adolescents and their parents?

A: I think our parents don't know how to express their love through language or touch. And they often do not reveal their softer side in the presence of their children. The older generation was one of introversion and ours is one of extroversion. And this is a big problem.

Secondly, we are probably under much greater peer pressure than our parents were. They have little sympathy for us because they do not understand our fears. As a result, they often take a negative approach to our inner problems and this can be very unwise.

Chinese parents often put their children under a lot of academic pressure, believing that academic acclomplishments are the most important of all. To a certain extent, their love is conditional on their children's academic achievements. But the message their children are learning at school is quite the opposite: don't put yourself under too much pressure.

Q: In your opinion, what is the difference between the values of the two generations?

A: Due to the heavy influence of the public media, television, movies, Internet and music, today's adolescents have high levels of tolerance. This is especially true of college students, for whom alcohol, drugs and sex are quite common.

Adolescents rarely feel bad about drinking and it is also quite normal for young men and women to have sex after three months of dating. They probably have more of a conscience about drugs, but even then more than eighty percent of adolescents use drugs.

The most popular pursuits for young people involve fun and excitement. To have fun is to be happy. 'Working hard' is not part of our vocabulary; it is being 'cool' that is important. Our parents often try to battle these trends with strict rules. Actually, it is OK to have strict rules. But the real problem is the parents' attitude and the way they go about it. Many parents not only fail to identify with their children's behaviour, they also find it hard to accept their children and their difficulties. This is where the problem lies.

For high school students it is more important to be accepted by their peers than by their parents. Everybody wants to be in an "inner circle" and nobody wants to be left out. The clothes we wear, the music we listen to, the activities we participate in and the people we get around with identify us as being part of these inner circles.

Our cultural environment is very different from that of our parents. The last thing we need is to have people who do not understand pointing condemning fingers at us all day long, even if these people are our own parents.

Q: What are today's youngsters interested in?

A: Boys are interested in playing video games and will often play all night. Girls like social events and chatting. Many of them use drugs while watching TV. They are no longer interested in reading; they prefer much less cerebral activities. Sports are still attractive. Their idols are likely to be music stars, movie stars or sports stars.

Q: I understand you have turned yourself around.?What caused this dramatic transformation?

A: I wouldn't call it a dramatic transformation. I merely went through a process of growing up. As I grew older, I gradually realized that life was not just about playing and having fun.

When I was small I had received clear teaching about right and wrong. Later on, even though I was?using marijuana and smoking and joining gangs, I already had those teachings rooted in my heart.

My parents set me a very good example. They loved each other and they gave me a sense of security. This is very important to young people like me. Similarly, the example of church leaders also have a profound impact on the younger generation.

The most important thing is that my parents never gave up on me despite their grief over my behavior. They continued to love me and accept me. And because of this, our channels of communication were still open. They understood my situation and there was no need for me to lie to them. My gang friends refused to listen to their parents, but I was able to take them home to chat with my parents.

This acceptance is very important. Consequently, about a year after I entered college, I finally decided not to disappoint them again.

My first task was to quit smoking. The next was to stop drinking. Thanks to humanities classes, I began to get interested in the Bible. In the past I had often been sceptical about reading the Bible; the more I read the more questions I had. Now I began to enjoy reading it. My dad challenged me to see who could finish reading the Bible this year, and this was another reason I read the Bible.

Even though I had drifted far away from my Christian faith, I had been aware all along that Jesus loved me and that He would not abandon me. Now I feel that I am beginning to walk closer and closer to Him.

Q: Has your transformation had any impact on your friends?

A: Very little. Some parents never give their children any positive guidance, nor do they set them a good example. Besides, most adolescents do not show any clear spiritual aspirations. Even though they frequently feel spiritually hungry, most church sermons do not meet their spiritual needs. Nor do they? understand Christian terminology.

As far as my friends are concerned, they respect my decision but they do not want to give up their lifestyle. They also try to give up smoking, but they don't have the strong motivation or will-power.

Q: What is your vision for your future?

A: I don't have any long-term goals, but I have the confidence to walk forward. Although I do not have as much "fun" as I used to, I know that my parents are happy and that I am on the right track. Therefore I feel happier than I used to.

True, many of my good friends are still their old selves, but they can no longer make me go backward. I have been there.

Epilogue:

The parents of this young man used to receive phone calls from the police at midnight telling them that their kid had been arrested for drunk driving. Brokenhearted, they would plead with their son while he was still high on drugs. They used to drive all over the city looking for him in the middle of the night, reminding?each other not to lose their temper... In response to all their love and patience, their prodigal son has come home.

Children are raw jade waiting to be carved into great works of art. Without wholesome instruction or good examples to follow and without attitudes of openness and understanding, they are likely to turn out defective.

All parents have good intentions. There is no doubt about that. Nevertheless, first-generation immigrants need to have the humility to learn to have correct attitudes and methods as they discipline their children. Traditional tough methodologies are very different from the Biblical concepts of the story of the prodigal son - far beyond the notions and expectations of many new migrants.

May this interview remind you of something else: a prodigal son can appear in any family, no matter how good it is. This interviewee's family is a good example. And the local church should never treat the families of rebellious children with scorn and criticism - a completely different topic for discussion.

The interviewer is one of this magazine's special editors.