Like Him

By Edwin Su

The relationship between the Lord and His people in the Bible can be applied to the relationship between parents and children.

Chinese parents living overseas can become quite anxious as their children grow to be adolescents. Their own teenage years were spent beneath the looming shadow of different academic examinations, and in their day their only pressure was to qualify for a good school. But because of differences of culture, time and geography things are not the same at all for today's generation of young people. We often have a hard time understanding new terms like 'peer pressure' and 'growing pains', let alone providing the help they need.

Most parents realize that a good relationship with their teenage children is the key to solving their crises. But how can we maintain a good relationship with our children, caught as they are between Oriental and Occidental cultures? I believe the relationship between the Lord and His people in the Bible sets a good example for us in dealing with our relationships with our children.

I.Covenant - loving and being loved

In Genesis 6, 15 and 17, we read that the Lord made unconditional covenants with Noah and Abraham. He took the initiative, undertaking to keep his promises and to love His people. In the parable of the prodigal son in Luke 15, the Lord Jesus also demonstrated the Father's unconditional love to the Pharisees who had criticized him for dining with sinners. In I John 4:10 we read: "This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us." This is what unconditional love is about.

God made covenants with man based on His own unconditional love. Yet the blessings of the covenants were not received unconditionally. It was the people's responsibility to respond in the correct way (as in Numbers 6 and 7). Although God initiated the covenants, he longs to see a mature love returned to him from his people. "Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ is born of God, and everyone who loves the father loves his child as well." (John I 5:1) The most important commandment for those with the spirit of the Lord is to love the Lord and to love one another (Mark 12:28-34).

If we apply this model of covenant to the parent-child relationship, it becomes obvious that the Lord expects parents to provide unconditional love to their children. When the children are young, this love is pro-active and unilateral. As the children grow into adolescence, the love needs to become bilateral, that is, an unconditional bilateral commitment. Not only do the young people receive love, they also learn to respond to their parents with love. And they begin to take on responsibilities, such as for family finances and the care of younger siblings. This is the very first principle in establishing good parent-child relationships.

II.Grace - forgiving and being forgiven

In reality, covenant implies grace. It is inexplicable that the Most High should enter into covenant with human beings simply on the basis of His own unconditional love. The only explanation is grace. It is by His great grace that the Lord has called us into relationship with Himself. The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us, so that we might all be recipients of this grace (John 1:14). And family life is the sphere in which the Lord desires His grace and forgiveness to be demonstrated. He asks parents to give their children opportunities to speak for themselves rather than controlling them with rules and regulations.

Does this emphasis on grace negate the place of rules in parent-child relationships? Paul gave the best answer to this question in Romans 10:4: "Christ is the end of the law so that there may be righteousness for everyone who believes." Christ perfects the law, so that we may be credited as righteous by believing in Him as opposed to observing the law. In parent-child relationships, we should still teach our children to take responsibilities and by His grace to keep to the rules. When they make mistakes or when they are under peer pressure or cultural pressure, God's law is the best judge. When they confess their wrongdoings, however, God's grace and forgiveness will be there in abundance for them. So in the balance of grace and law, we see a balance between justice and love, and this is the second principle for establishing the parent-child relationship.

III. Empowering - serving and being served

Christ came into this world so that His people "might have life and have it to the full" (John 10:10). To those who believed in his name He gave the right to become children of God (John 1:12). This right is not born of natural descent, nor of human decision, but born of God. Therefore, when his disciples fought for recognition on the basis of some pecking order, the Lord Jesus replied: "For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve" (Mark 10:45). He wanted His disciples to grasp that power is not to be used to control people, but to serve, to help and to forgive. God empowers his children because He wants them to act with love. Come in the image of a servant, the Lord Jesus was willing to wash his disciples' feet, and His action was a demonstration of his perfect love. We can also see that His power was in no way diminished by His act of service but that it brought Him increased respect.

Today, many overseas Chinese parents run to extremes. Some, afraid that their children may become too westernized and hard to control, try to control all their children's words and activities, including their choices in the fields of academics, career and marriage. Others have no fears at all and let their children do whatever they like. In fact, the best kind of power delegation is to have your children learn self-reliance and self-control under the parents' supervision. In the process they will make mistakes and their parents wiill need to watch over them with even greater patience and love. They should help them, forgive them and guide them so that they learn how to take responsibility.

As the children grow to be adolescents, the parents' need to adjust their own mindset. If they want to win the respect of their children, parents should decrease their demands for obedience but increase in examples and true love.

IV. Intimacy - knowing and being known

God knows us and He wants us to know Him. He likes us to share with Him our inner thoughts and feelings through prayer and He likes to hear even those groans that words cannot express. (Romans 8:26-27)

Before Adam and Eve sinned, man had an intimate relation with God. As founders of the first human family, Adam and Eve also enjoyed their own relationship with understanding and frankness (Genesis 2:25). Today, if parents grant their children a certain power in grace based on Biblical principles, they will be able to establish a relationship of understanding and frankness with their children. When one talks, the other will listen and will always be ready to help. Even if there are differences between them, each side will be receptive and respectful. They will choose to give up their own opinions or arrogance for the sake of family harmony, love and unity.

It is very important for parents to allow their children to freely express their own ideas without fear because "the Lord is love" and "there is no fear in love and perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment." (John I 4:16,18) Let us return to the nature of the covenant between God and mankind: unconditional love. Love encourages children to communicate without fear of being rejected and criticized. It is only in this environment that children return unconditional love to their parents. They love because their parents loved them first.

If you are begining to worry about your adolescent children, remember that the Lord Jesus, the Word become flesh, also went through adolescence. He is the Son of God and he is also the Son of Man. And so He understands the feeling and difficulties that all adolescents have. He has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need (Hebrews 4:15-16). He can help you ensure that your children grow in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and men (Luke 2:52), just as He did.