The Show

That night, I could not sleep. I felt totally vulnerable; one blow could have finished me off . I had often asked why it was me who had to suffer, but had never thought about why it shouldn't be.

By Lu Junzhi

I am a pessimist. Ever since high school I have adored Kafka. But being pessimistic is not all bad, for he trained me to be very sensitive and this allows me to enjoy writing even when I am unhappy. However, can this bring me lasting happiness? I asked myself. Actually, I had to admit that the pleasure was always short-lived and elusive. Thus, I began to envy the lower classes who find relief in drink or release their saddened souls by doing hard physical work, dissipating their sorrows in their perspiration.

Change is an inevitable part of life. In May two years ago, as I sat in a church auditorium, I saw in front of me the word "Immanuel". That day, for the first time, tears came to me during the prayers. I suddenly felt that every word was aimed directly at me, calling me home, to my true home.

When I first stepped out on the path of faith, I was full of hope and never expected that the way of the cross could be narrow and difficult, while at the same time lighted by love.

It was one evening in the fall of the year before last, just five days after my baptism - it had just stopped raining.

I was returning to the campus from the seminary in the company of a Christian brother. As we walked along the rain-washed street the sidealk was covered with sodden leaves. They were stuck together and squelched under our heels. I was holding an umbrella and the brother wore his raincoat. By the time we had reached the street behind our college, the rain had already stopped and we had put away the umbrella and raincoat. That was when I asked him, "I wanted to follow the Lord, so why hasn't He accepted me? Why does He torture me instead?" The brother quoted a Bible verse: "Then he said to them all, 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.'" This was Luke 9:23. When I heard it I was stunned.

That stormy evening I realised that the reason I was so miserable and always complaining was because I had been thinking so much about my own interests and constantly crying out to God," I want this! Give it to me!" Whenever I didn't get what I was looking for, I blamed God. He was not fulfilling my needs. Since He wasn't giving me what I wanted, I felt that He had forsaken me. Actually, God had already given me so much: the air, the sun, fresh water and even His only son Jesus, so how can I hold what He did not grant me against Him? I wanted a better life and a higher degree, but since He had not given me all these life blessings, I told Him, "You did not give me all I wanted, so how can you be my God?" "God," I said, " You have cheated me, because you have not listened to my prayers".

During this time, I was really being quite sneaky. I was both betraying my Lord and at the same time blaming Him."It's not that I don't love Him, but that He doesn't want me." What a sneaky blame-shifter I was! I had studied and gone to classes for more than ten years, but all I had really learned was how to avoid my obligations and to put the responsibility on to other people. This was a most useful technique when I wanted to protect myself, and I was very good at it. I could act it up so well, like a well-trained actor playing the role of the victim in front of others, even complete with the makeup and tear-stained face.

On this occasion I instinctively did it once again . I blamed everything on the Lord. But this time the word of the Lord had shaken me and I moved off life's stage. "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."

I realized I had been acting like a ridiculous clown in a B movie.

And who was I putting this performance on for? Was the show for myself, or for others or for God? "My child, aren't you getting tired?" He said, "stop putting on a show and just follow Me. In Me you will find peace."

I remember that verse. That night, I could not sleep. I felt so vulnerable; one blow would finish me off. I often asked why it was me who had to suffer but had never thought about why it shouldn't be. I took everything I had in the world for granted, but never considered why.

A few days later, I received a letter from a brother. "Oh God," he wrote, "Besides You, whom have I to turn to?" When I read this sentence, I almost cried, because it was the very question I was asking of myself, of my temptation, of the darkling sky.

Where can I go? I am a homeless orphan, a wanderer with no home.

I had longed for a home, but I had not dared to admit to my soul hunger for fear of being ridiculed.

I don't like exposing myself, but because no one ever made me the clothes that would fit just me, my soul was exposed out in life's wasteland.

Actually, everything was already there, beautifully prepared for me long before I knew it. My Heavenly Father was waiting for me; Jesus Christ was waiting for me. But I had not known about it, nor wanted to know.

In despair and at the end of the road, I heard Him saying, "My child, what do you want to bring with you? Those ragged clothes ? those worn out blankets? that broken heart?" I smiled. I knew it now. The source of my comfort would not be some special kind of wisdom, it needed no skills, nor did it need touching words. It would come from the great Comforter. The Comforter who had suffered what I suffered. When that cross was raised at Golgotha, my Comforter by His weakness, His silence and His wounds, became able to console my distressed and hurting heart.

Jesus, you are my only comfort.

Difficulties came one after another. I surrendered to them, time after time, and fought against God. But God forgave me, touched me with the Holy Spirit and called me home. Each time I returned, throwing myself upon Him and weeping, He gathered me into His arms like a babe, holding me close.

Now is the time to ask myself whether I really am a Christian. I know the standards set down in the Bible and I have asked Christian brothers and sisters about it. I know that my Heavenly Father and those who love me are waiting for the answer. I dare not deceive them, and I don't want to disappoint them. So I walk on, carrying no luggage, into the wilderness. I fall asleep beneath a tree with the Bible in my hand. I am just worn out.

I still remember clearly how a few days ago, in the dark of the night, I sang: "With the Lord, I need nothing more; with the Lord, I have all. Though my family abandon me, though I wander in the storm. I look up to the Lord. He will never leave me. Even though I may live as a wanderer in this world, with the Lord, my heart is satisfied."

I closed my eyes when I sang it the first time. The second time, an image of the cross appeared in my mind. I could not sing any more, my naturally rebellious and sorrowful self was awash in tears. Afterwards I felt peace, only peace.

I do not know when I will learn to submit myself to the Lord, but He knows. He knows that I can only seek Him with a heart filled with sorrow and repentance, seek Him and come before Him in a spirit of humility and obedience.

The writer is from Jiangsu and is a computer studies graduate.