Anchor of the Soul

Outwardly I appeared mature, well dressed,smart and sophisticated. But I know that I was simply a serious-looking hypocrite.

By Ying Zi

Littleness and cruelty

In my 20's, I often asked: "Why do we live? What's the meaning of life?" I asked many people that question but no one ever gave me a satisfactory answer. After entering the work-force, I found that many people were actually trying to avoid the question.

Society is very cruel to young college graduates. We are not prepared for nor told about the cold hearted realities. It's like being invited to stroll in a green grassy meadow without being warned that it is full of surprising deep muddy holes.

I was unlucky and went headlong into the first deep muddy hole.

My first job assignment after graduation from college showed me the littleness of the individual and the cruelty of society. I came from a poor family, but I had no desire to live an ordinary life, so I was not willing to go back to my hometown to teach. After many struggles, I was able to stay on in the city but through it all I came to see the importance of money and bureaucracy. Later on my hatred of money and of the power of society increased as I experienced job transfers, taking the entrance exam to graduate school, resigning my job, graduating, and going abroad.

I originally thought there was only one safe refuge: Home. The most precious and beautiful thing was genuine love. But what lasts for ever? Feelings can change even more easily than material things. I am an emotional person and the background colours of my life picture are dim gloomy ones. After three stressful years of working life, I had seen the rotten side of human nature. Everywhere it was money games, sex games and status games; morality did not come into it. A person may pursue all these games but end up feeling bored and empty. Who can differentiate goodness from evil, intelligence from stupidity, sincerity from lying, honesty from dishonesty?

I often thought I should never have been born. I was too naive for this kind of society and time. But sometimes I fear that I am no different from the people around me: the same faces, same the ignorance and the same silliness. I became carefree and irresponsible. It may be hard for you to believe that a sweet girl like me could become so irresponsible. Outwardly I appeared mature, well-dressed, smart and sophisticated. But I knew I was just a serious-looking hypocrite. There was no-one I really admired. I pitied myself and laughed at any dreams about the future.

Listen to the Words

Originally I thought that I was utterly hopeless and had no future. I did not even value myself. But one day I opened the Bible and read, "The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever." (I John 2:17). I was startled and deeply moved. A new sense of peace crept into my heart. I saw that already in one simple sentence God had summed up all that I hated and suffered.

This is called "seeing into the future". No one else has this kind of insight. Even Chao, author of "The Dream of the Red Chamber", could only describe the hopelessness and sadness of life by "Life is like a beautiful gown on the outside, but inside it is crawling with fleas." This cannot not be compared with the wonderful description of ". .the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does . . ." (I John 2:16).

Jesus said, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33). Those whose hearts are filled with anxieties, worries and pain should listen to these words. Life is indeed full of unending suffering. We think of it as fate and that no one can escape. But, according to Jesus, above us, beyond this world, there is an almighty Master who is in control of the limitless expanses of space.Unless we put our trust in this Master, human beings can never escape the fate of death or of destroying one another. If we loathe this world yet still reject His existence, how can we find any other way of living?

I started going to church one year ago, about four months after my arrival in England. I kept on attending the church and the fellowship meetings all year in order to ask questions. For one thing I was not familiar with the Bible and on the other hand, when I did read the Bible I found much that puzzled me. Many people tried to suppress my questionings by replying, " God's way is higher than man's. You should just accept it, and not insist on understanding everything". Some said, "You think too much. The Bible does not say that. God has only given us one Bible and it contains everything that He wants us to know ....."

But I did not give up. All year I kept up my determined pursuit of the truth. I am an insecure person and very sensitive to the uncertainties of life. I often ponder on statements like, "At this moment of time I cannot know whether I will still be alive in the next moment.". Truly, life is not in our hands. We can never know whether tomorrow will be more beautiful than today. Someone like me can easily succumb to feelings of helplessness and depression.

When I heard the song from Melody of My Heart, "Get rid of your fearful heart because this is not from God.", I was moved. My tensed-up feelings softened. My heart was strengthened. We always thought we could never be changed because everything was in one unchangeable mode. But we forgot that in the garden of Eden, there was no such thing as fear.

I finally broke through the limitations of my own reasoning and entered into faith. Actually, no matter how deeply we think or how clearly God sees us, no matter how deeply we think or with what detail we try to debate, we need never worry that God might be defeated by our human logic or systems of knowledge. "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joint and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." (Hebrews 4:12).

A hole that cannot be filled

Last July, we went to visit an English Christian couple. This visit was a turning point for me. I asked a lot of questions and they helped me clarify my thinking. Sometimes we can ask too many questions and get ourselves confused. So they asked us two direct questions: "Are you willing to become a Christian? What's holding you back from becoming a Christian?"

Pretty sharp!! I asked myself the same two questions. To the first one, my answer is that I think I am willing because I cannot see any other hope for this world. And I cannot find any hope for myself either. The second question is important too. If we are honest, we have to admit that human beings need salvation. But the thought that "Nothing and no-one can save this world" has taken root in my heart.

I come from China, and was born before the Cultural Revolution. With this background, I always asked, "Is this true?""Why ?" It was hard for me to believe in anything. I remember that when I was in elementary school, we learned "Lay Fong's sacrificial spirit" and we sang "Fight for Communism". Our textbooks in elementary and middle schools were filled with encouragement for students to sacrifice themselves for society and for our country. I was deeply moved and became a communist when I was in junior high school. But when I graduated from junior high, the June 4th event took place. In high school "Chinese socialism" and "the economy of socialism" were promoted.

Over the past 10 years, too, as my view of the world was forming, Chinese society has been going through so many changes. The only thing we could hold on to in this changeable society was our own rationality. In this dishonest world, we could only trust ourselves. In Chinese cultural society "deeply caring for people" has been discussed but never realised because it would mean a dead end for Chinese culture. Without God, we cannot deeply care for people because human beings have no capacity to see the future. Only God can do that..

I left China at the time that the Fa-Lun Kung group was coming under scrutiny. After viewing the exhibition and TV programmes about it, I believed that Fa-Lun Kung beliefs could only end in tragedy. However, as I considered believing, I thought about Fa-Lun Kung. I think it is a horrible thing for a person to give up knowledge and put all their trust in one thing such as a bishop or an ideology. You might lose your mind, sell all you have just for a meal, or even commit suicide to come face to face with your god.

But finally, my stubborn heart was overcome by the power, love and wisdom of God. Tenderly His hands have stripped away my own weak pretenses of strength. I was softened, and surrendered myself to Him after deep heart-searching. Pascal has said that man has a hole in his heart that only God can fill. That hole in the heart is a memory of or longing for God. God is calling us to come home. He is waiting for us, His lost children, to knock on the door.

The author is from China and now lives in Oxford, England.