My Heart Felt So Sad

"As the door slammed behind her, my heart felt so sad. It was quarrels that had led to the break-up of my previous marriage. Now I was faced with an even more complicated situation."

By Chen Kua

I.

My wife was nervously waiting at the airport to pick up me and my daughter. Before we were married, my wife already knew that I had a young daughter in China, but she was still very anxious. She was not at all sure that my daughter would accept her. We had only been married for two months and my wife had not completely adjusted to her new role as a wife and now she had to become mother to a ten year old. Every time she thought about it, she got really worried and wondered what she would say when she first met my daughter.

When my wife was only nine years old, her own mother became ill and died. So she had already suffered the pain of being motherless. Her father was busy with his work and was also addicted to gambling so had no time to take care of his young children. Her stepmother moved to Hong Kong to live with them. Although their step-mother was a kind woman she still could not get along harmoniously with the three children. After a few years, the older brother took over the responsibility of caring for his two younger sisters and they all moved away to another city.

This unhappy life experience cast a dark shadow over my wife's heart. Grief at the loss her mother, disappointment in her father and step-mother, and the struggle for survival from childhood left her with deep inner wounds. After she became a Christian, God's love had deeply touched and comforted my wife. Through God's love and almighty power, the cold relationship between her and her father and stepmother gradually warmed and they became friends. But the deep wounds were never completely healed and continued to trouble her. So she was not a naturally happy person.

It was quite a challenge for someone like her who had never known a mother's love nor had children of her own, to be expected to show tender mother-love to an emotionally damaged child. How could this happen in my house? "Lord, are you bringing me this trouble on purpose ? " my wife complained in her heart, "Why must all this happen to me? Lord , are you doing all this to me on purpose ?"

II.

The airplane was preparing to land. My daughter had been airsick and fallen asleep. But I had been too excited. Finally, after six years of waiting, I was able to be with my daughter. My dreams had come true.

When I had told my daughter that I was going abroad to study, my little girl sobbed, "Daddy, couldn't you wait till I grow up before you go away ?" I did not know how to answer her. Tearfully I left my family. Ever since then, my daughter had been looking forward to being re-united with me.

Two years ago when I went back to China to see my family, I gave my daughter a stuffed bear. She loved it so much and named it "Stumpy". When I was not home, she would share her secrets with "Stumpy". Many times, she fell asleep with tears in her eyes and Stumpy in her arms. Now she was not only going to be back with Daddy but also would have a "Mommy". Before leaving China, she was as happy as a little bird.

III.

Finally the airplane landed safely. I led my daughter into the arrival hall. From a distance I saw my wife standing anxiously there, her face as white as a sheet. Before I could utter a word, my daughter was running into my wife's arms and calling out "Mommy !". At first, Wife was surprised, then she hugged Daughter tightly. The anxious look on her face vanished. We gazed into each other's eyes and smiled. Our most worrisome problem had just been resolved.

When we got home, we found that Wife had already arranged Daughter's room beautifully with balloons and flowers. Daughter scampered happily up and down the stairs. Later on, Wife took Daughter out shopping for clothes and things. She carefully sorted out Daughter's living arrangements and showed her how to make herself at home. Daughter very quickly came to love Wife and this new home.

IV.

After Daughter came to live with us, however, Wife's burden seemed to become heavier. From being a single person she had suddenly become a house wife and this was a difficult adjustment for her. All her past life experiences had made her into someone with little self-confidence. No matter how hard she worked, she believed that things would go wrong. A new sense of frustration and loss seemed to prove that her fears were true and made her unhappy.

From the time she was a baby, Daughter had been picky about food. Whenever Wife made something she did not like, she would simply not eat it. Wife became quite frustrated about this and did not know how to handle the situation.

When Daughter first came to the US, she could not communicate with other children. She also felt insecure in her new environment. So she always stuck close to us. Wife started to find her own freedom and personal space more restricted. She complained that the two of us had no time together by ourselves.

At first, I tried to comfort her, but Wife was not moved. Gradually, I became impatient about her complaining. Then we had squabbles. We quarreled about how to discipline Daughter. We argued about not being able to communicate with each other. We quarreled about whether we should be having another child......

Finally, after one huge row, Wife marched out.

As the door slammed behind her, my heart felt so heavy . My previous marriage had ended just because of rows like this. Now I was faced with an even more complicated situation. Was history going to repeat itself ? I was confused and puzzled.

I understood the difficulties Wife was facing. Since we were just newly married, she needed me to spend time with her. But Daughter had just arrived and she had her problems with the new language. They both needed my attention and help. How could I not help them?

V.

As Wife paced around the quiet neighbourhood, her thoughts were racing like wild horses, leaving her no peace."There's no end to all this house work ! Is this what marriage is all about ? Married life is so different from what I expected. I have tried my best. But how come it's getting so hard and painful ?. My heart feels drained, like a candle that's almost burned out. Do I really belong here in this family?"

The autumn breeze gently ruffled Wife's hair. Finally she calmed down. She prayed as she walked, "Lord, I don't have the courage to face all this. I really want to give up. But I know this is not what you want me. Please lead me on the way ahead. If I've gone wrong somewhere, please show me."

After she came back in, we began to talk quietly together, patiently trying to listen to each other. Although we had many problems whose solutions weren't easy to find, our hearts drew closer together. The issue of our quarrel was not simply "right or wrong". All three of us had different needs. When those needs could not be met, it was the order of priority which became the focus of the problem. I held Wife's hands tightly and said, "Let's pray." We held each other and prayed for a long time. We asked God to give us wisdom to solve the difficulties in our family.

God kept showing us that we needed wisdom plus love to solve this complicated problem. We were so busy working for the family and expecting to get something in return, that we had forgotten that the basic factor in family unity is "love". We remembered our responsibilities, but were forgetting the real meaning of love. Without love as the motivation for giving, we had become dried up spiritually and physically exhausted.

We asked God to place His love in our hearts and help us learn to communicate in love and to give out of love. "Because love covers over a multitude of sins" (I Peter 4:8) We continued to pray through our tears......

IV.

After that time, we learned to be considerate of each other and to support each other. The time spent squabbling was reduced. Even when we argued, we would make up quickly since the Bible says, "In your anger do not sin" (Ephesians 4:26). Wife paid more attention to what Daughter's favorite foods were and learned to cook dishes that she loved. Gradually, Daughter liked Wife's food and became her best friend.

I treasure the time after Daughter goes to bed, when Wife and I can enjoy our time alone together. We chat on for hours just as we did when we first fell in love. During breaks at work, we telephone or e-mail one another. Even a few short words can bring added touches of warmth and harmony into our relationship. Sometimes, we also use our half day to go out for lunch or go to the movies. We call this a "mini" vacation to compensate for not being able to go away on a proper vacation.

If Daughter is at home, we have a "mini vacation" together. The three of us even celebrated Valentine's Day dinner together. Smilingly Wife said, "This really is a special Valentine's Day !"

On Mother's Day, the church arranged for the children to take turns to go up to the pew to give thanks to their mothers. Daughter used her clear fluent English to say," When I am upset, Mom comforts me. When I am in need, Mom is always there. Mommy, I love you." Loud applause came from the audience after her talk and Wife's face was radiant with smiles. On the second Valentine's Day, we also invited our daughter to join us. But Daughter suddenly stopped halfway up the stairs and said, "Valentine's Day is just for you two. Let me stay at home." Wife and I smiled at each other and thought "our daughter is growing up and learning to be considerate to her parents." We had a wonderful Valentine's Day alone that second year.

After three years of marriage, God gave us a lovely baby who brought much joy into our family. Daughter not only loved her little sister but became a good helper. Because of God's blessing, my daughter has been blessed by a mother's love that she had never experienced before. God has also brought healing to my wife from her painful childhood experiences through her taking on this special role of mother. She has become happy and compassionate. God abundantly blesses us with His love and He has made a broken family whole. He is healing us and leading our whole family on in love.

Note: The author is also the author of "Walking out of the shadow of divorce" (Issue 57)-a story of "from divorce to re-marriage". This present article is a sequel to that story.

The author is from Tan-Chin, now living in New Jersey. He works in the field of pharmaceutical analysis.