The World's Most Troublesome Woman

By Hsin-Yi Wang

Days of deep suffering

"I'm delighted that you young lovers are getting married and I'll gladly officiate at your wedding. But please remember not to ask me to officiate at your divorce......" This was my father's reply to my fiance's request for him to host our wedding twenty years ago. In response to my father's comments, my fiance, Wen-Hi solemnly promised, " I won't ever divorce your daughter Hsin-yi." However, my father smilingly reminded him, "I need to tell you plainly that the most troublesome women in this world are the ones in my family: Number one is my wife; and the other is my daughter. I don't want to keep this secret from you, so if you have trouble in the future, I hope you won't come complaining to me ! I have been absolutely honest with you." Foolish Wen-Hi declared that Hsin-Yi was such a nice girl that he would never need to complain. But later on this son-in-law did fall into the trap of the "bad girl" his father-in-law had warned him about. And he went through very deep waters.

After we married we both had careers. Nothing big happened in our marriage However, everything to do with the house and all the everyday decision making in our life came to depend on me. I held the power in the family. For instance, when we went shopping for furniture, my husband would leave the responsibility of negotiating the price to me. After we bought our house, one of his colleagues asked him how big the house was. He had no idea. How much per square foot? He had no idea. How about the address? No idea! Why was he like this? Because I was the one who handled everything in our household. I even had to take care of his social relationship with his boss. However, sometimes he criticized me for doing too much and implied that it wasn't necessary for me to do it all. Caring for the children was totally over to me, whether they were hungry, needed toileting, were crying or dirty. Whenever he saw that the children needed something done for them, he would just hand them over to me.

Eventually this kind of relationship collapsed into disaster.

Even though exhausted after a whole day at work,. I would still have to pick up the children on my way home and often go on to the grocery store. When I came home, my husband would cheerfully open the door and seeing all the groceries to be carried in would exclaim, "Let me carry it. Let me help." But, inwardly fuming, I would coldly push by him into the kitchen. There was still lots of house work waiting for me: cooking, bathing the children, supervising their homework.....etc.. I had become a busy wife and mother but gradually all my accumulated repressed anger and complaints could be concealed no longer. He sensed that I wasn't happy but could not put his finger on it: "Our life is fine. Why are you so unhappy?"

Later, when he was happily talking about his work to me, I would be too busy to listen, let alone treat him respectfully. When he tried to help me wash the vegetables in the kitchen, make the bed, or do the laundry, I felt that all this was no big deal. it was what he ought to be doing anyway ! When I lost my temper, I couldn't even be courteous and criticized him endlessly. While he was talking to me, I didn't even have the patience to wait for him to finish his sentences. Deep inside, I was furious, "Why do I sleep and eat with this man? This man who keeps forgetting to dump the trash!"

We no longer had heart-to-heart chats. We tried to avoid each other. At home laughter was replaced by shouting and scolding. He was irritatable and I was tired and angry. We totally forgot our commitment to one another "To suffer and to rejoice together until death do us part". Finally, it all exploded into war, with each of us seeing the other as the enemy. We used up all our energy fighting with each other until both lost the battle. Our home would be empty. We both planned to leave.

I shut myself in the bathroom and sobbed, wondering why our life had come to this. We had only been married for a few years and now I had become an unloved wife. He did not care about my tears, nor even my anger. I became panicky at the thought that I could stand to lose everything. I buried my face in my hands and wished that time would stop still. "Help me, Lord ! I want to know where things have gone wrong."

The wife who is not loved

Tearfully, I opened up the Bible. Suddenly something like a lightning bolt flashed in my heart: I saw that all the problems were my own !

Isn't it being a responsible hardworking wife a good thing ? How can my feelings of resentment and anger be related to this? Yet, it was because of his trust and willingness to affirm me, that my husband had been giving me space and respecting me. But on my part I had used this as justification for threatening him and disagreeing with him. Why had the undying love we promised each other ended up in fights and quarrels, just because I was carrying more of the load of house work and he was not showing much appreciation of me?

Had I ever truly paid attention to his love for the family ?- he would rather carry a bunch of papers from the office to do at home, just so that he could be under the same roof with his family. Occasionally he would make an excuse of needing to get a cup of water to come out of his study to play with the kids and talk to his wife. These little gestures had brought him happiness and comfort in his tiredness. However, my heart burning with anger, I had refused to give him support and positive acceptance but instead accused him of becoming someone who only cared about his career but not about his family.

Had I ever truly treasured his care for me? He would wear the same jacket for three or five years and keep a suit until he could not fit into it. On the other hand, I often changed my whole wardrobe. The dress I wore for last year's Alumni party could not be worn this year for I would be ashamed to appear in it to my classmates again. One very hot day, he kept me company shopping for a pair of shoes to match my dress, so that I could put on a good show at the Alumni party. He did not complain about being hot or about the long time it took.. Wasn't he the kind of husband who wanted his wife to have the very best ? But I still complained, "If we only had more money, we wouldn't need to spend all this time being picky."

Have I ever respected him for his being considerate to me? When I was busy cooking, he would call to tell me that he would be a bit late as something had just come up. He called because he did not want me to worry about him being late home. But rather than being understanding, I would reply angrily, "You just try to be late so you can arrive home to eat dinner without helping me prepare."

What caused me to be so blind that I couldn't see his goodness? Oh, it was my own pride ! I could not see how much he appreciated me. And my own self-righteousness and self-pity made me oblivious to his faithfulness and sense of responsibility for his family.

Putting out the fire of anger

The Bible says, "And do not grumble, as some of them did - and were killed by the destroying angel. These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the fulfillment of the ages has come." (I Corinthians 10:10-11). This story is about the Israelites after they left Egypt, and were wandering in the desert for forty years. When the Israelites left the land where they were slaves, God guided them with a pillar of cloud by day on their way and by night with a pillar of fire to give them light. He rescued them in the Red Sea; and fed them manna. But they just complained that God's provision was no good and there was not enough of it.

If complaining and expressing discontent are simply little defects of human character, useful for making demands on others, why did God punish them with death? Did their complaining really deserve the death sentence ? that is, if this event actually happened ? Of course, it's true, or the Bible would not have recorded the story to warn us. The implication is that their complaining was directly offensive to God. It was a sign of disbelief and of rebellion against God's power, will, grace, and protection. Complaining leads to greed and disloyalty and results in the loss of God's blessing.

My marriage could end up in never-never land. My complaining had deepened my dissatisfaction with my husband and chased away respect and appreciation. Then self-pity and low self-esteem had crept in. I told myself, "I deserve better - more happiness, more care, more acceptance, more......" Being greedy and dissatisfied made me feel my husband was never enough. That he was abusing me. That home life was stifling me. The Israelites complained that God's grace was not enough and that they would rather go back to be slaves in Egypt. Therefore, they died in the desert without entering the Promised Land. If I continued to complain, how would I be different from them? All I would end up with would be a broken marriage.

When we got married, I did not understand my father's remarks. I thought it was quite funny. But after I became a believer, I finally understood. My heavenly Father and my earthly father both have the same heart for their children's marriages- that the two should become one and never part. How many lessons shall I learn from this? When I have conflicts with friends, no matter how unhappy I am, I try to control myself and not make an angry retort. But to this man who was always beside me and cared for me, I seemed to often express my emotions with little consideration for his feelings. I often self-righteously demanded that he love his wife, but I myself had become so unlovable with my constant angry moods and sharp tongue. In my marriage too, I needed to discipline myself and make an effort to overcome my attitude of complaining all the time. I needed to depend on God for strength, lest I become regretful like the 'younger son' who finally felt regret when in his hunger he considered eating the hogs' food.

As I gradually began to change, Wen-Hi also changed. Although we two imperfect people still have many weaknesses, we are now more willing to treat each other with mercy and grace. We do not count up the wrongs and do not criticize or make demands of each other. We show mutual respect. I hope that one day I will no longer be on the list of the world's most troublesome women. Of course, it would be even nicer if Wen-Hi were to say, "You're actually a very nice person."!

The author lives in Vancouver.