Between Two Worlds

Mom seemed to sense what was ahead. She said "Goodbye" to Dad more than 15 times and reminded him to take care on the road. Or she would say, "It's hard leaving you." Finally, Mom said," Let's grow old together."

By Lin Lu

Comforting words

I heard about Mom being taken ill on January the 9th 2002.

My brother and sister-in-law shared with me on the phone that Mom had only two days to live. She had been unconscious and could not recognize any one. I replied, "No! Mom's life is in God's hands, not in the words of a physician."

I comforted my sister on the phone, "Don't be afraid! I've had a dream and in the dream Mom was holding four or five clocks. Mom will live for many years yet. She still has lots of time." Sister said, "The meaning of your dream is 'say good bye to Mom' for the sound of 'clock' in Chinese is the same as the sound of 'the end'."

On January the 10th, I went to the school and immigration offices to make arrangements for taking short-term leave from school. Deep down I was quite sad, but a phrase of a song came into my mind, "Jesus is there, Jesus is there." This comforted me tremendously. Only someone who has really experienced something like this themselves can truly understand how powerfully comforting a song can be. All that day, this phrase rang in my ears until I had completed all my arrangements for leaving school.

At that time of the year it's winter in my hometown. I did not have any winter shoes so I went to a store to buy a pair. There, I saw a little gift for Mom: a pair of white doves kissing each other. The doves were mounted on a heart shape decorated with roses. As I was thinking about buying it, I heard a voice say, "This little gift can go on the urn with your Mom's ashes." Suddenly I changed my mind and decided not to buy it.

But as I was leaving the store, I felt a strong urge to go back and purchase the pair of doves, and in the end I did. The doves represented love and peace. Later on this gift was placed beside the urn with Mom's ashes.

That night, when I was packing, I saw I had a new praise song tape. I heard a voice in my heart say, "Play this tape at the funeral."

I seemed to sense that someone was telling me that Mom really was going to leave us.

Make Mom happy

I took off on the morning of January 11th. On the plane, I seemed to hear the Lord reminding me, "You are to go home to make your mother happy." This was the single purpose of my going home. I was going back home to see Mom; not to grieve for her, but to make her happy and at peace.

"Lord, how can I be happy? Please strengthen me and fill me with joy." On the plane, I sang praise songs. While my seat-mate slept I was singing, "I will sing praises to Your holy name. I will glorify Your holy name."

God strengthened me with His mighty power through the songs. This was why, when I saw my mom all connected up to the oxygen cylinder, I did not burst into tears.

God answered my prayer and let Mom regain consciousness. When she saw me, she recognized me. She murmured to herself, "I've seen my little daughter." My older brother said, "The night before Mom was hospitalized, she said she would only die after she had seen her little daughter."

The flowers in the song

On my way to see Mom in the hospital, I bought some flowers for her. On the 12th I bought a dozen red roses. As soon as I went into Mom's room, the nurse who was giving Mom an injection exclaimed at what a lovely a bouquet it was. So Mom made me send the flowers to her doctor's office to express her appreciation to the doctor and nurses.

On the morning of the 14th, I also bought some flowers for Mom. This time I chose yellow lilies and red roses. I especially chose lilies which were in full bloom. I wanted Mom to see the full flowers. Mom did not have much time left. Her every minute in the intensive care unit was precious.

I remember that when I gave Mom the flowers, I told her that they were lilies. That morning I sang a song for Mom, "Lord Jesus, when I think of Thee -'Oh, Lord, you are the balsam in the garden. You are the rose of Sharon. You are the lily of the valley. How can I be separated from you?'"

After listening to the song, Mom said, " The flowers you gave me are singing that song too."

Fifteen goodbyes

After I came back to see Mom, Mom summoned up all her strength to talk to us. I enjoyed this conversation with Mom, but I also knew that she was using all her failing powers to talk to us and keep us company in the limited time she had left. Her body was all swollen up. She had oxygen tubes in her nose and had been on IV for nine hours. It was getting difficult to find a place to inject the IV on her hand since her hand was covered with needle hole scars. Even a healthy person like me I was feeling quite tired after several days of talking. Mom, so near to death, must have been finding it even more of an effort to keep us company.

One little incident. After Mom fell asleep, my elder sister and I were chatting. After a while, Mom said," Please speak louder so I can hear you !" This made me laugh. Mom loved to be a part of what we were doing; she seemed to love to listen to whatever we were chatting about.

I sang a lot of praise songs to Mom. And Mom sang to us too. On the 15th, she sang a song: "The white throne-- is your name there in the book of life? is mine there? Do not be ignorant and end up going to hell!"

On the morning of the 16th, Mom said to me, "The words to the song I sang were wrong. It's not 'white throne'. It's 'when you open the book of life'. Also it's not 'going to hell ignorantly' but 'going to hell sadly'."

That morning she sang the song again. Although her condition was so serious Mom still sang praise songs to us. She was telling us indirectly and gently that her faith was firm and so we should be at peace. What could be more comforting than that? She also said happily, "Aunt Kuo says: 'The city we live in now is like a hotel; our real home is in heaven.'"

In the evening of the 15th, Mom seemed to know that her time was near and said "good-bye" to Dad more than fifteen times. She also reminded him to take care on the road. Or she would say, "It's hard leaving you." Finally, Mom said," Let's grow old together."

Her last wave

When there was only me at Mom's bedside, Mom said," It's almost time to say good- bye, so let's treasure this time together. It's not as if we have plenty of time."

I saw Mom silently shedding tears. I gave her a pack of tissues and she used them. She even tried to save the tissues. After Mom stopped breathing, I saw that there was still one tissue left and that she still had a tear drop in the corner of her eye. I used it to wipe away her last tear.

The special last moment finally came on the afternoon of the 16th. With her hand in mine, Mom drifted off into a peacful sleep. She seemed to be so much at peace;contented and well prepared.

My older sister was standing on the side where Mom had the IV in her arm, so she could not hold her hand. But at 2 o'clock, Mom suddenly moved that arm and raised it in the air. My sister stopped her, "Don't move, Mom." Sister put Mom's hand back down and Mom did not move any more. Actually, this was Mom's last movement. She had wanted to hold my sister's hand and also to wave "good bye" to my dad who was standing at the end of her bed.

The curved line of release from bondage

I remember that just before Mom fell asleep, she asked me, "What color is Ai-Hsieh's dress?" Ai-Hsieh is my nephew's girl friend. She had gone to the hospital with me that day. Just after she left, Mom asked me that strange question and than she fell into her deep peaceful sleep. At the time this question raised a number of doubts in my mind. Mom had had cataracts caused by diabetes one or two years ago, so her eyesight was not good. Had she seen an angel coming to take her to heaven? were there glorious angels surrounding Mom? had she seen the beautiful colors and then asked her surprising question about colors ?

I saw how Mom's spirit left her body with scarcely a struggle. It was quite peaceful like the curved line a bird makes as it flies from its cage. The old house that was being left behind had been battered by wind and rain. A new house was needed. The only thing you need to take with you when you go is "love"; nothing else, since there are better things awaiting you.

When the doctor came to do CPR, I was still holding Mom's hand and hers was clasping mine. I almost said to the doctor, "Let her sleep. Don't waken her. If Mom is with the angels, your CPR is useless. I know that Mom has already gone to be with the angels in heaven." But I did not say anything. I knew that doctors have their responsibilities. I stood alongside, still holding Mom's hand. My soul was witnessing Mom gaining her freedom.

It was good to have gone home

I rejoiced that Mom had entered into freedom. I knew she would have a new beginning after all her suffering. Mom will be rejoicing in Paradise after all that physical pain from her illness.

When Mom went into hospital, she took with her an album of family photographs. But looking at my photo was not the same as seeing me in person. Mom was longing to see me face to face, but she knew that it would not be easy for me to get back to China, so she decided not to tell me about her illness. But God let Mom live a bit longer so that I was able to come home to see her. This gave me and my family time to express our love and gratitude to Mom. It also helped her know how much she meant to us.

I had six days to hold Mom's hand and for her to hold mine. I was able to talk heart to heart to Mom, to give her roses and lilies, to get the hairdresser to trim her hair, to give her massages, to wash her, comb her hair every morning, put aloe lotion on her face and to order her funeral clothes for her. Finally, I was able to host a Christian funeral service for Mom. Many of those who came heard the message of the peace that Jesus can give. For all this, I am very grateful.

The writer studied in the Philippines and now lives in China. Her painting, "Farewell", was printed on the cover page of Issue 53 of Overseas Campus Magazine.