While Your Parents Are Still Alive

By Cia Sau

Children's voices in the garden

One May morning in the American mid-west, my husband and I went for a walk in the park. The new buds were just bursting out on the trees. The birds were singing.Everything looked so green. The whole of Nature was full of the life given by our Creator.

When I looked up at the blue sky, it was covered with soft white clouds.In the bright sunshine and light breeze, my heart was touched by the beauty of this world and was filled with joy.

"Mommy, I want this flower." A child's voice attracted my attention. A little girl was talking to her mother about a dandelion. Her father stooped down and picked the flower for her. The happiness on her little face made her young parents smile at each other.

This lovely scene reminded me of my son's childhood. It just seemed like yesterday. We loved our son. All our joys and sorrows were tied up in him. He was our satisfaction and our hope.

In fact, almost every loving parent, and especially Asian parents, would make any sacrifice for their children. With all this self-giving and these high expectations, most children do well. However, there are still some who bring disappointment and leave behind them feelings of pain and regret. How is it that with the same start in life, some seem to change direction midway?

The birthday party without their daughter

I have a friend. Both he and his wife are intellectuals. They have an only daughter. Right from the beginning their daughter was clever, pretty and always got good grades. She was a good daughter and went on to graduate from Harvard Medical School. Her parents were very pleased with her achievements and a number of their friends used to quote this girl as an example for their own children.

The daughter met someone and fell in love. But her parents were opposed to this young man, as he did not have as high a degree as their daughter and his family was not as well off as hers. The parents told their daughter, "Lin-Lin, you have high qualifications.You ought to choose someone better than this boy. He is so ordinary, and he's poor. If you marry him, we might lose face."

But this time, their good docile daughter was unwilling to obey her parents. In her eyes, her boy-friend was perfect. With his sense of humor and his loving care for her, he made her happy.

Her parents disliked the young man more and more. They wanted their daughter to break up with him and even threatened that if she married him, they would not attend her wedding.

The relationship between parents and daughter fell apart. The young couple did not have a happy wedding without their parents' blessing. In due course they had a child of their own. My friends were so sad and did not know how to resolve the situation.

Last year we went to their 60th birthday party. Many of their old friends were there, but not their precious daughter. She and her family did not come, and did not even send a birthday card or greeting. I saw the sadness and pain in the parents' faces: "It's all been for nothing." All the effort, the giving, the expectations and the pride in their daughter had turned into emptiness.

When we said goodbye to our hosts, my old friend said to me, "Cia Sau, when your son gets married, don't get too involved." Her husband, shaking his head, added "Life is so meaningless!" I could find no words to comfort them, but could only feel for them.

Not even able to see her face

My next-door neighbors are a Chinese couple. The husband had recently retired from a big company. The wife was a very capable and gifted homemaker: a good cook and good at handcrafts. She had made their house very comfortable and beautiful, etc. We always enjoyed going to visit them. They would bustle around bringing out freshly made snacks or food as treats for us. This couple have just one son. He is married and works for a big company. The whole family got along well and many people envied them.

After their granddaughter was born, the grandparents were even happier. They saw that their son and daughter-in-law were so busy with their jobs as well as needing to take care of their daughter that they decided to help them out by offering to take care of the little granddaughter.

It was all such a beautiful picture. But because of the generation gap, they had different principles about raising children. The son had no problem with this. But their highly educated white-collar class daughter-in-law could not hide her dissatisfaction from her capable strong-minded mother-in-law. The zealous grandmother forgot that this little girl was her son's daughter and that she should respect her daughter-in-law's opinions. She should not use just her own past experience and ways when looking after her granddaughter. But she was unwilling to change. One day when she was bragging to her daughter-in-law about how she had disciplined the granddaughter down in the basement, her daughter-in-law exploded, and this time their son sided with his wife.

In their anger, both sides lost their common sense and said many unkind words to each other. The mother screamed at them and kicked them out. The son and daughter-in-law left with their daughter, without turning back.

They did not come back for more than one year. The parents had long since calmed down and no longer felt angry toward them. But sometimes, they felt that their son had betrayed them. They missed them, especially their sweet little granddaughter.

They called them, but they were hung up on by the son and the daughter-in-law. They mailed a birthday gift to the granddaughter. But the gift was returned. Finally, they could hold back their feelings no longer and asked friends to pass on a message to their son, "Please could we drive over to your house and you let little granddaughter come out to see us?" This was rejected.

Old neighbors and friends could see the tears behind this old couples' smile, tears which would never be dry. They seemed to age quickly.

A strong-willed mother

I am just entering into middle age. My mother always loved me deeply, right from when I was a small child. Mom was a very strong and stubborn woman, who handled everything in our family. After I got married, I had a son. Because housing was difficult to find in Shanghai at the time, we lived with my parents. They were retired, and heir little grandson brought them much joy, but he also wore them out.

Either because we were still young or because we were in the early stage of establishing our own lives and careers, we did not take much account of our parents' feelings Sometimes, I did not agree with Mom's unscientific childrearing practices.And with Mom's hot temper, gradually conflicts and arguments started to happen. I tried to be tolerant with Mom. I owed my parents a great deal, so I could not bear this hostility. I also appreciated how my husband was making an effort to get along with my mother. His own mother was a very kind and gentle lady who all her life had served her parents, husband and children without complaining. A mother like this was a big contrast to my mother, so my husband did not always feel that my mother was right. But because he loved me, he restrained himself and lived harmoniously with her.

Now Mom has left this world. Whenever I think of her, I feel happy that we did not become enemies. I am comforted that we are not left with regrets we could never make up for.

My sad and regretful big sister

A girl friend of mine shared with us the secret of her success in being part of a family: "In family relationships, the emphasis should be more on compassion than on reasonableness." This is quite true. There is an old Chinese phrase, "When compassion is attained, reason can be achieved." So compassion should precede reasonableness. Especially in family relationships, there are never absolute rights and wrongs. If we need to judge who is right and who is wrong, we might both end up losing. The winner can be exhausted, and the loser can be deeply hurt. But if we put the emphasis on compassion, we can calm down and hear the good side of what the other is expressing. We can then accept the other side and negotiate or discuss the issue. All problems are capable of being solved, and we can achieve a harmonious relationship and be successful all round.

My older sister is a woman with a sharp tongue but a soft heart. She was always quarreling with my Mom. Although she was the one who took most care of my mother in Mom's old age, they still fought and complained endlessly about each other. Mom left us very suddenly. My big sister was sad for a long time and kept saying to herself, "Why did she go so quickly? If she had had some illness and let me look after her for a few months before she went, I would have felt much better."

No one can predict when we might leave this world. If we treasure each day and fill our lives with love and forgiveness, we will have no regrets. We were all young once, but we too will grow old. Therefore, as both a mother and a daughter, I would like to remind you: "Dear friends, if your parents hurt your feelings once, please forgive them. Do not hesitate to go back to them in love, while they are still alive. Let this become an eternal blessing on your life!"

The author is from Shanghai. She now lives in Michigan.