Five Steps

By Xie Xuanjun

Preface

In the last few years, following the expansion of the nineties, the economic situation in America has deteriorated. The Stock Market is on the verge of collapse and we are in a state of economic depression. Even worse, the unemployment rate this June has been the highest in twenty years.

On reflection

I have been thinking again that, for some believers, "faith" and "values" are not totally correlated. In some cases, these two are in even in opposition to one another. We have seen many well-known people lose their integrity. There are even"strong believers" whohave turned to crime. People may describe this as "falling", meaning that they have descended from a lofty height. But in fact, in their hearts, for these strong believers there may have always been a deep intrinsic division between "faith" and "values".

Perhaps their "faith" is "for the benefit of others rather than themselves", but their "values" are still "the satisfying of their selves with material things". It is a painful thing to have this kind of internal conflict.As Paul said, "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing. Now, if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it." (Romans 7:18-20)

Only when our "value system" is totally changed, can "action" follow. But how can this come about? For myself, there have been several occasions when I have experienced a " value-system breakthrough". Some occured before I became a Christian, and some took place afterwards .But the changes in my value system were greater after I became a believer.

An enemy

Reflecting back on my life, I see that up to age 30 I was my own enemy. I was not accountable to any one. The purpose of the 'revolutionary' education that I received was to reach your goals in any way you can. So what was our concept of evil? To oppose one's own progress is evil. And what was our concept of goodness? To achieve something for oneself is goodness. With this kind of ideology, although I might have a concept of "God", it was atheism and humanism that reigned in my heart. "God" to me had no personality, but was equivalent to "the law of nature" or "god" with a small "g". This god was not higher than us. He was like one of the higher beings, but he was not the creator of all things. He seemed to be more silent and passive than human beings.

When I was about 12 years old, the bloody Cultural Revolution took place in China. We quit going to school and stayed at home to observe revolutionary activities, to break things, to burn things or to kill. I did not participate in any killings but I was involved with beatings, breaking, and robbing people. I remembered once a few classmates and I broke into an office and stole a pile of printing equipment, then we published a lot of pamphlets advertising ridiculous messages. We became propagandists.

I lived that kind of life for about 6 months. Then we got involved in physical fights using weapons. One day I saw a whole lot of innocent people lying dead on the street. One dead body's face was all yellow as if it was made of plaster. I suddenly felt that life was meaningless, since human beings die just as animals do. That night I couldn't sleep for thinking. I imagined what if a bullet flew through my body ? where would I be? I felt cold all over as if I had been thrown into a bottomless dark hole.

I finally understood that I was experiencing "life", and "life" was transient and subject to change. All that I treasured could disappear in an instant. I became very depressed.

My faith had changed. But my "values" did not change. I still wanted to go out and have fun. My mother was very worried about me and demanded that I write a journal every day. After I had finished writing my journal, I still had plenty of time. So I still went outside to 'observe revolutionary activities'.

Finally my mother ordered my older brother to keep a watch on me. I could not go out. But my brother wanted to go out himself. The door of our house could not be locked from the outside, but we had windows which I could climb out of. My smart brother finally thought up a way to control me: forcing me to study. Gradually I got into reading the Chinese classics and I was able to memorize and come to appreciate many of these books. It was exciting for me to be able to understand "300 Tang Dynasty Poems" and "Wonderful Classical Papers". I was in a different intellectual world and its challenges were more interesting than breaking into a party leader's office.

A hired hand

Once when I was fourteen, I faced a dangerous situation. When I got home one day, my parents weren't there ! I was so worried that I lit a candle and knelt down to pray to God. After the danger had passed, I did not forget this incident. I believed that there was some kind of super-power in control of everything. Whenever I faced danger I would pray, although I was not sure that I could get help. Gradually I came to believe that "God" and I had a special relationship. He would not desert me when I was in danger. I also believed that "God helps those who help themselves". We need to work hard to be successful. But if someone is really wanting to leave his footprint on history, one way is to become "the whip in God's hand".

About that time I was reading H G. Wells "History of theWorld". I really admired Attila who organized the scattered tribes on China's western border of China into a vast army to overrun Europe.They called him "God's scourge". This proves that if Fate has called you, you can control the world. No matter whether you are "the whip in God's hands" or a "hired hand", as long as you are protected by the deity, you can do anything you desire. I put all my efforts into watching and prayer instead of work and effort. Perhaps I was lazy - or "religious". Perhaps both ! I believed that man is passive and helpless in the hands of the Creator of the universe. We can only do whatever God wants us to do and try to please him.

Although I did not know this God, I believed that I was in His hands. I even thought that my personality and circumstances were due to His will and arrangement. Sometimes, I might complain to Him. Sometimes, I praised Him or cursed Him but I never dared to laugh at Him. I knew I was just a piece of clay in His hands. I hoped to gain His mercy through my efforts and pains. I wanted Him to make me special and choose me to be His instrument. I think I was trying to establish a kind of relationship with God like that between an employer and his hired hand. I studied many philosophies and religions. I had many dreams and I acted wildly. This situation lasted until I was 20 years old.

An adopted son

During the movement criticizing Lin and Confucius I began to read "The Four Books and Five Classics" I also read the Old and New Testaments. Originally, I just wanted to become erudite, but I fell in love with Jesus. I admired his faith. I tried to imitate him and love others. But I was defeated by cruel reality. So I changed to being against the world as Jesus was.

In difficult circumstances, I viewed myself as God's son. I thought that to live is to create history. Like Muhammad and many other prophets, I needed to conquer this world. So I only read the first half of the Gospels, not the second half. Comparatively speaking, I preferred the Old Testament. I imagined myself as a prophet in Old Testament times. I would speak for God, and I tried to imitate the writing style of "the prophets".

I was crazy about writing. I also tried to discipline myself. However, I knew that although my faith had changed, my value system had not.

A recognized son

In New York at Easter time in 1996 I became very ill. I felt that if I were to die, all my dreams and ideals would come to nothing - it would all vanish away. Life is uncertain and dreams are personal and subjective. I realised that there was a big difference between me in my weakness and Jesus and his cross. Everything in life could turn out to be empty. The audience could disappear at any time.

In comparison with Jesus, I realised that the source of my pain was my own personal struggle, while His pain was in order to save the world. Also, He was sinless, while I, on the other hand, was full of this lust to fulfill myself. Sometimes I appeared to be trying to do things for the benefit of others. But when I reviewed my motives, I knew I was just trying to gain others' praises or to pump up my own self-image. I sensed that I was actually self-centered without any more lofty purpose, and certainly not that of glorifying the eternal Creator. If I died before acknowledging Him as Creator, all my attempts to glorify myself would have been quite meaningless.

Just as the LORD said, "Son of man, say to the house of Israel, 'This is what you are saying: "Our offenses and sins weigh us down, and we are wasting away because of them. How then can we live?" 'Say to them, 'As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign LORD, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live. Turn! Turn from your evil ways! Why will you die, O house of Israel?'

From this, I saw that our Father God's mercy was different from what I had thought . Before, I had thought that only Jesus was merciful. Now I understood that the Son's grace was for the sake of God the Father. Just as Jesus said, "No one is good except God alone." (Luke 18:19) Also in Exodus, God said, "for I am the LORD, who heals you." He only wants man to listen to him and do what is right in his eyes. (Exodus 15:26)

After such desperate reflections, I had to admit to Jesus that I was a sinner. I was like dust, unclean in God's sight. I had wanted to seek after freedom. But my motives were the same as those who oppressed others. When you win the class power struggle, you have simply created a new slave owner.

Human beings are sinful. When you succeed in your pursuit of freedom, how can you guarantee that you will not have gained something for yourself in the new system? The oppressor and the oppressed are all sinful. There is no difference in their basic nature.

This kind of desire/lust did not disappear after I became a Christian. When one lives in the master's house, if he does not have a son-father relationship with the master, he is inclined to negotiate with the master and likes to compare himself with others. He may complain about God being unfair: "Why do you treat non-believers better than me?" When he faces difficulties in life, he may be angry at God. A doubting attitude will be produced. This is the special characteristic of "rice Christians".

Sometimes, I complained to God that He was favoring westerners over Chinese people. Why did He reveal the Bible to non-Chinese? Perhaps we could find God's real son in our Chinese classics. If we could find new theologies in other religions, we might benefit more. (I am talking nonsense here.) The Bible said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (II Corinthians 12:9). If I am seeking a revelation of God in other literature, then what is my real motivation in seeking God?

I guess I was still overcome by my own desires. Desire can be beneficial if it's appropriate but too much desire is damaging. For Christians, "If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men." (I Corinthians 15:19)

A true son

Saint Augustine (354-430) was a Manichean. The Bible verses that changed his beliefs are Romans 13:12-14: "The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature."

These verses gave Augustine - and us - a reason to reject sinful behaviour. To reject sin, we need a reason. This reason has to be complete enough for us to fight against both our own desires and the world's ridicule. When we see that the good people suffer but the bad people enjoy life, we need to be able to fight against the temptation to sin. How are we to live holy lives or escape from being sinful?

God has given us His commands and complete reasons to avoid sin. This should be a relief to us. Paul experienced these changes. He said, "You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." (Galatians 3:26-28)

It takes a different attitude to God for a person to change their identity from being "adopted son" to "recognized son", and then to "true son". One's self-identity is also changed. We know that identity is important for living in the US. Facing God with a different attitude is related to your own self-recognition of your identity.

For instance, in a company the boss's son cannot have a high salary at the beginning when the company is just being set up. When the company is short of cash, the son may need to contribute his own money to help the company survive. Jesus sacrificed himself to save the whole world, since He is the son of the eternal God.

Christians cannot just be good people. We need to be "God's children". Only when we recognize that we are God's children, not the hired hand or the slave, can a new value-system be established.

To know the sufferings of Jesus on the cross and to see them as something beautiful is the key to distinguishing the different identities of being "adopted son", "recognized son"and "true son". Because of Jesus' sufferings on the cross, his ministry, his poverty, his being despised and betrayed, his not being ordinary, and his humility, the whole world of values is changed. "For if , when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life." (Romans 5:10)

Because I recognized my identity, I became an unpaid volunteer in Gospel ministry. Although the first time I returned the salary, I did feel a certain sense of regret. But I seemed to hear God ask me, "Are you short of money?" "No, of course not!" I quickly answered. I was afraid that if my master was angry, he might take away all I had. That would be an even worse situation. In Acts chapter 5, because Ananias and Sapphira lied to the Holy Spirit and kept for themselves some of the money they received for the land, they dropped dead. Not receiving payment for writing and doing Gospel ministry makes me feel good. It's just what Jesus described in the Gospel of John, "real freedom". "Now a slave has no permanent place in the family but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." (John 8:35-36)

The author is from China. He now lives in New York City.