Small or Big Potato?

I will be back to a familiar environment; I will carry my suitcase to run around in the government again; I will listen to people's report to me, I will gain some flattering; I will hold my free cell phone and command others; I will receive many smiling faces. All of these make me so happy since I would be a "big potato" again.

By Qian Zhiqun

Being successful in the provincial government

Now a day, there is a lot of Chinese dreaming to be prosperous in America. I am not one of them. I have very superior status in Main Land China. Every day, I accompany the provincial leaders. Many people have to report to me, flatter me, and invite me to party. When I have to go out, the police car will lead my way. Everywhere, there are people welcome me with smiling faces. I dress up well and live very comfortably.

In a province with 60 million population, how many people can be around the provincial governor every day, sometimes even around the central government leaders? I can make my neighbors and friends envy me for a long time by just chatting with them a little bit about my face-to-face experiences related to these officials. They could only see these officials on TV news.

It's not easy for me to have this kind of prosperity. I work really hard for it. My wife became a tenured associate professor in a university when she was only 28 years old. She became one of the elite faculties in the whole province. She was rewarded with some benefits that made others envy her.

When we were in the most prosperous stage of our life, my wife had an unplanned opportunity to go to America as a visiting scholar. In one year, she asked me to come to the US. She cried and fought for me to go. In the process, she spent quite a lot of telephone bill to call me oversea.

Finally, I had to go to Shanghai US Embassy to apply for visa. Since the passport I had was for going to Hong Kong, they did not give me the visa.

On my way home, I was thinking about the Chinese proverb, "I would rather be a chicken head, but not the phoenix' tail." It's fine with me not to have visa to go visit my wife in America. My political status would not be affected by taking vacation. My wife who had just passed the Ph.D. qualified exam had to come back to China.

After one year, I was sent to another city to help a central government official reassigned to be a governor in that city. My wife and I had to live a separate life again. This perhaps would last more than one or two years. No one could tell.

My wife could not stay at home with peace. Several times she almost left to America to continue her American dream. Although her American advisor helped her keep her student status, she finally told me that she and I were separated anyway; she would go back to the States. With tears, leaving our daughter with her parents, she said good-by and went back to continue her study. After she left, I missed her very much.

After three months, it's the 21st century, my wife came back to China. After a short period of reunion, she and my young daughter both said good-bye to me. Then, I had to make a decision in the crossroad.

Lonesome America

Later, our family life was just the international phone calls. You could hear the voice but not see the person. After a while, I began to have no peace in my heart. My wife became tired. She complained on the phone. Sometimes it's about unhappy thing; sometimes she asked me suggestions for making decision. My daughter all the times said, "Daddy, I miss you." With this kind of love and worry, how could I work peacefully? If the phone call was about happy things, I was excited. But if it was about sad things, I would worry for a while. When I wanted to call them to chat, it was not that convenient for me to call them internationally.

This kind of life passed for a while. Finally, I could care about my future of career no more. I took a three-month vacation to go to the States for a family visit.

When I landed on America, I felt every thing was new: blue sky, white cloud, green yard, colorful maple, new style building as well as car stream. However, after a few days, I became bored. I had no other relatives, and no friends. Except for some parties of my wife's friends, I stayed at home alone most of the time during the day.

Every morning, after my wife and daughter went to school, I lay on the desk, picked from the trash dump, to learn some English or wrote my journal. Occasionally, I watched some TV. But I could understand nothing except the laughter. Sometimes, I observed the squirrels running back and forth to find food in the yard, or climbing the tree. The most frustrating thing was to answer the phone. When the phone rang, I picked it up to say hello, then sorry, finally "bye, bye" and hang up. I could not unplug the phone completely since my wife would call me to chat with me or remind me something about there was some food in the refrigerator.

Fortunately during that period of time, there was a Chinese church. I sometimes went to church with my wife and daughter to sing some praise songs. Sometimes, I even asked a few questions related to the Bible with my philosophical view. There, I could speak Chinese, I could communicate with others; I could also receive warm greetings from brothers and sisters.

I got to know the Lord but it had been one month overdue my vacation time. I had to say farewell to my family. It was so sad for us. When I was on the airplane, after I was tired of missing my family, I began to comfort myself: I will be back to a familiar environment; I will carry my suitcase to run around in the government again; I will listen to people's report to me; I will gain some flattering; I will hold my free cell phone and command others; I will receive many smiling faces. All of these make me so happy since I would be a "big potato" again.

I have not read too much of the Bible, but suddenly I remembered, God did not like people to get drunk so I reminded myself that after going back to China, I could not drink too much.

Unbalance

Later, God answered our prayer to give us a son. But I had no desire to stay in the US. I went to see my family every six months. In two years, I became a world traveler. I was always encouraged by the old proverb, "I would rather be a chicken head instead of a tail of phoenix."

Every time I came to America, I dislike most that brothers and sisters in church asked me what we planned to do in the future. Although people seemed to care very much about us, I could not answer their question. I knew that God did not like married couple to be separated, but where was our solution? I would become a phoenix' tail (small potato). I would feel like I lived under somebody's roof, I would have to learn English; I would have to start looking for another job. I was already past forty. To begin another chapter of life is not easy. I seemed to have no future in America.

During my family visitation in America, whenever I faced an unhappy thing, I felt unbalanced and wished to go back to China immediately. For instance, when I went to get my driver's license, the clerk was chatting with her colleague at the same time when she told me that I did things incorrectly. After a few times of explaining to her, she was not that willing to help me. I was mad. What I was mad at wasn't others but myself.

Sometimes I complained to my wife. I was upset why she led me to the crossroad to make difficult decisions. I was completely not willing to stay in the States. But to ask my wife to quit her study was also not my desire. My daughter forgot her Chinese and loved America more and more.

The brothers and sisters in church understood my difficulties and prayed for us. They prayed for our future. After a while, we began to feel embarrassed since we were ashamed that we could not make the decision fast.

My wife and I also prayed continuously for our future. Sometimes, I got really confused and got upset so I could not pray with my wife. I even got angry with God for not showing us a clear way to follow. Therefore, we still lived a "life on two continents": happy to be united and sad to be separated.

Opposite thinking

In my forth time to America, we finally made a decision to move the whole family back to China. We had a contact with a university in Hung-Chou, China. The university president was very happy to give us an offer with many benefits even on the international phone call. We felt we were not worried at the crossroad any more. It would be a happy ending.

My wife needed to finish her dissertation early. My daughter needed to finish her semester. So I went back to China before them to prepare for them to come. When I went to Hung-Chou to make contact, every thing went my way. The university welcomed me enthusiastically. I also visited the beautiful campus and the best elementary school my daughter would be going. At the end, they even invited me to a four star restaurant for a feast. I felt so comfortable to be back to the life in China. I felt I was my own master at home again.

However, this kind of feeling did not last long, which even I myself did not expect. After I came back to my working unit and familiar circle, every thing became strange to me. Many things I used to feel comfortable with became uncomfortable to me. I began to have a very different kind of thinking. God's words often came to remind me. I often felt guilty.

When colleagues used the government money to invite me out for a feast, I was not that happy as before. When people talked about dirty jokes while drinking, I could not laugh with them. When I edited others' writing for provincial leader's speech, I could no longer add my own imagination into it. When I accompanied the provincial leaders for outings, I could no longer feel proud for being led by the police car in front. When the traffic policeman volunteered to use his authority to get me a yearly driver's license, I could not let him do it.

There were so many little things bothered me. There seemed to be a new set of rules for me. "But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ." (Philippians 3:7) I tried not to spend my evening time in the teahouse or restaurant. Although some of my colleagues became to feel strange about me, some people under me felt I became righteous. I tried to spend more time at home to study the Bible, English, make international phone calls, and do the laundry. Sometimes, I even practiced Chinese painting as if I had a nice hobby or perhaps just to chase away my loneliness.

To stay in a three-bedroom house by myself was quite empty. I missed my family in America. I felt my wife must have a hard time taking care of two children plus working on her dissertation.

One time, my wife was trying to teach her sick son to call me daddy on the phone and my daughter was also helping. I cried. I felt I was not a worthy husband and father. My wife and children loved to stay in America but I tried to drag them back to China just for a selfish reason to have a good worldly self-image for myself.

Many times, when I lay in bed, some fear came to me: if I died tomorrow, I would not hear their voice or see them. How could I compensate the unfinished responsibilities and love of a husband and father?

I never thought about "death" before. This was quite a heavy subject. I felt it belonged to the philosopher but I now deeply understood this topic everyone would face. Living, getting old and sick than dying are in God's hands. No one can control any of them.

Waking up from being drunk

One day, a friend invited me to have dinner in their home to celebrate his promotion. That day, I forgot that I had not drunk for a long time but drank. At the same table there were a manager from industry and two singing stars. Not very long, we finished two bottles of strong wine. When I got home that night, I vomited and emptied out the whole thing in my stomach through the whole night. I did not sleep well that night with such a sick stomach. I could not even drink any water. Next day, I called to have a half-day sick leave. When I lay in bed, I hated myself for being so weak. I hated sin and my being weak to fight against it. Sin could be deceivingly beautiful to temp people. It is hard to avoid the temptation.

I suddenly felt I would not see my status in China as treasure. To be promoted was not a good thing. To own a high status meant you had more opportunities to sin. If you could not control yourself, you could be tempted by money and sex. But how does one control oneself? Although law and punishment might have some power but it could not control the human soul. It could not solve the problem of the root of sin.

My spiritual life was still young. In such sinful environment, I could not grow. Perhaps I would forget about my heavenly father and forget that I was a sinner and live in sins: "...to enjoy the pleasures of sin..." (Hebrews 11:25) When I thought about this, I was afraid. God's voice seemed to tell me, "...I have lost all things, I consider them rubbish,..." (Philippians 3:8). I needed to have reunion with my family and follow Him quickly.

I was inspired and suddenly understood the whole thing: for many years the difficult decision about the future, that made me hard to sleep and made my family to be unhappy, was originated in "the pleasures of sin". I could not be in control of my "living, being old, getting sick, and death" but I treasured this "pleasure of sins".

I immediately called my wife to share with her about my thinking and decision to immigrate to America. At first she half believed me but then became so joyful with my daughter. After half a month, I sold my house and packed up to take the airplane to America. This was my fifth time to the US.

When I saw the blue sky from the airplane window, I suddenly remembered one of Brother Yun Chi-ming's books "Loose the land but gain the sky". What a good reminder! I seemed to have that kind of circumstance and felt so relieved and happy.

The author is from China. He now lives in Montana.