A Floating Boat

Finally a professor indicated to me that because I had good grades and was too proud. I had ticked off a professor who was very influential in the department. He made me fail my Ph.D. qualified exam to frustrate me on purpose.

By Chun Kao

(1)

This was the first time I went abroad to study. I had a lot of expectation and worries about the future. I was like a boat floating in the big ocean. After leaving the harbor, the boat had no destination.

Could the fate have super natural power to control the life? When I thought about the answer, I subconsciously touched my luggage. Inside, there was a New Testament, given by an American friend. Although I never read it, when I packed, it was put into my bag.

After I arrived at the US, I got in touched with Christianity the first time. When I saw how sincere those Christians were, I felt they were ridiculous. I was an atheist. There was no God, I believed.

But as the time went by, I found those Christians were very kind and were willing to help others without counting the cost. This made me quite surprised. When I compared those I met before and after I came abroad, I really could not believe that there were such good people in this competitive world that only money and fame mattered. I admired them and also felt curious about why these people were different.

I accepted the invitation to go to the Bible Study on campus. The peaceful atmosphere, beautiful singing and sincere friendship touched me deeply. I felt a kind of peace that I had never experienced before.

However, I had some negative feeling toward the Christian meeting. Especially when they talked about God and the Bible, I did not feel comfortable. How could someone who studies the science believe in God's existence? To me, the Bible was just a myth.

Finally I challenged them in a meeting. After I expressed my strong opinions, I was kind of regretful. That day, a lot of Christians were present. Among them, there were a few pastors. I felt perhaps I had done something bad and would suffer the consequences since I boldly criticized their faith. I desperately wanted to find a way to escape the possible bad situation so I could not focus on what they tried to explain to me.

Out of my surprise, when the meeting ended, they were still very friendly to me. One patted my shoulder and said, "Your questions were excellent!" I was surprised that they did not get angry with me.

Since not all my questions were answered, my desire to participate in the Bible Study was reduced. I concluded that God was just an excuse or comfort for Christian's lonely soul.

(2)

There were many beautiful scenic areas in Virginia. My load of study was not that heavy, so I had much time for outdoor visits. Gradually, I forgot about the issues related to faith. After touring the scenic areas, we would go eat in the restaurant, then go to the movies. Life was quite enjoyable. That was my philosophy of living. Those boring Bible Studies could not give me so much fun.

However, my enjoyable life was ended due to some accidents.

First, I failed my Ph.D. qualified exam. At first I thought I did not prepare well enough so I studied harder. After a while, I found some classmates passed the exam easily although they did not answer the questions as well as I did. I had some doubts about the whole thing. Finally a professor indicated to me that because I had good grades and was too proud. I had ticked off a professor who was very influential in the department. He made me fail my Ph.D. qualified exam to frustrate me on purpose.

If I took the humble attitude to make up the relationship with the professor, I would not fail the exam again. But I was stubborn and also I had thought about changing to have a master's degree. I thought a master's degree was beneficial to find a job since the economic was not good. Therefore, I went to talk to my advisor about my plan. My advisor rejected my request. We had no way to discuss the issue.

At the same time, I also had a car accident when I and friends were out touring. I was lucky that no one got hurt but I hit a complete new car and totaled it. My car was also damaged badly. It was totally my fault since I did not see the car coming form the right side when I turned left.

The second day, I hit another car. I did not remember how it happened. I did not see any car coming when I was backing up but I hit a car. My heart sank deeply when I thought about the ticket, the payment and the car insurance.

When the first car accident happened, I was somewhat calm. But when the second car accident took place, I lost my self. I cried out to God, "Save me please!"

I got off to inspect the car. The car I hit was damaged seriously but luckily no one got hurt. Surprisingly, the owner of the car did not want policeman to come take care of the matter. After negotiation, I only paid him 50 dollars.

Did God really exist? I could not explain it.

(3)

Without pride and arrogance, I returned to the Bible Study. Before, when I did not agree with those Christians, even I did not say it out loud, I said it to myself inside. Now I learned to be humble and seriously reflect on what they said without debating. It's strange that those thinking that I used to consider as ridiculous seemed to become wise proverbs. Those doubts used to be my barrier to faith disappeared.

In my daily life, my relationship with my advisor was still difficult. I listened to the advise of Christians to pray to God. I hoped to move to a new place but my hope was not fulfilled.

After a few months, my advisor found that she had breast cancer. All students in my lab were busy helping her out. I was also among them. The first time I prayed to God in tears to ask Him to heal her. It was amazing that in prayer, my attitude of taking revenge on her suddenly disappeared.

When my advisor recovered, our relationship was restored wonderfully. Although she was not that willing to let me change to earn a Master's degree, she agreed finally. She also helped me finished my research and published the results in a first ranked science journal. We had a harmonious relationship. She gave me big help in my future career development.

Before graduation, during the hard time of fining a job, a pastor came to visit me. In our interaction, he told me about his faith experiences. His sincerity in faith touched me deeply.

Afterwards, I seek for faith passionately with much persistence. One night, after reading the Bible, I knelt down to pray, "Lord God, I do not know whether you exist or not. If you are the one that the Bible talks about, please come into my heart to solve my doubts." After prayer, my heart was filled with joy that I had never experienced before.

In the next few months, God used many ways to get rid of all my barriers to come to faith. I went to church worship every Sunday. In Thanksgiving of that year, I got baptized in Virginia Chinese Baptist Church.

(4)

When I first became a Christian, my faith was tried. My prayer to find a job was long time not answered. Two months before I graduated, I finally had an interview.

After some time, a small company in Boston offered me a job and also would take care of my immigration. I was very excited. Even though the job was not the most ideal, in the economic depression time, I had no green card and no working experiences, I was satisfied to have this job.

But, the next day, the company called and told me they changed their mind. My job was gone suddenly. I could not understand why God did not answer my prayer.

Pastor encouraged me, "God will prepare the best for you." I was doubtful about it. After graduation, I still did not have a job. My saving in the bank was disappearing gradually. I was full of anxiety.

One day I read Romans 12:12 "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." This verse deeply touched me. I meditated on it until my heart calmed down. This verse helped me overcome the most difficult time.

After some consideration, I decided to go to New Jersey to hunt for job because there seemed to be more job opportunities there. 20 days before I took off, I got a telephone interview from a Pharmaceutical company. After three days, I had an interview with them.

After a whole day of interview, I sensed that God had prepared this job for me. One week before going to New Jersey, I got an offer from this company.

I was so excited because it was like in a dream: this working opportunity was from one of the biggest Pharmaceutical companies.

God is so faithful. I finally feel that I am no more a floating boat seeking for a harbor to rest. God has given me a ship to carry me to the eternal harbor.

Author is from Tan-Ching. Now he lives in Dallas.