Home Alone

By Ye Zi

Security systems

Whoever watches "Home Alone" might laugh his/her head off and want to watch the sequel but Bee-Lain. This famous comedy only makes her sad.

She remembers when she was young, she also set up "security system" at home but it was not exciting or happy moment for her at all.

At the time, how many families could live together with stability? Some went to the countryside; Some went to do "labors"; Sometimes, it was "four kinds of cleaning up-kicking out 'bad' people"; Sometimes it's "cleaning out the school". The more education you have, the more you might have to "jump off the building" or "be kicked out of the house to go to labor camp". The better marriage you have, the more opportunities you would be separated from your spouse to far away place.

How about children? Who cared? If you were lucky, you would be taken care of by grandparents. If not, you would have to move with parents like luggage. Bee-Lain and her younger brother went with their mother to Lan- Kau in Honan province. Adults had to live "military group life": going out early and coming in late for discipline training. No one can be distracted by the private matter so "the work of revolution" would not be affected. Therefore, all children had become "home alone".

The clay houses built with straw in poor village stood far apart from one another. Bee-Lain could only remember in dark night she was always afraid. There was no electricity. With oil lamp burning, it's quite scary since if you move your body, the black shadow on the wall also moves. Children could be scared to death by it.

Bee-Lain and her brother hid in the corner of the house but with both of their eyes wide open. It's so scary for them that they could not even move. They were afraid that in cold winter night the cold wind was the "wolf" knocking at the door so it could come in to eat the children. Or perhaps it's a criminal who was robbing the neighbors and smothering the children. Why was the roof moving?

Little Bee-Lain was so afraid that she had to build up some security system in the house. Although she did not have high tech methods and tool as the movie shows, she would use the hair string to tie the loosen door tight, put the empty bottle in front of the bed, and place something in the bucket then put it on the window sill. If you needed to train a child to go to the outdoor restroom, you could make the child scared to become sick-curling up clothes into a fake person and putting it under the sheet but hiding herself and brother at the other end of the bed.

Mother was the one who got "attacked" by these security systems. When she came home in the darkness, she was tripped by the elastic band string, a ball, then a stool and fell into the bed. Suddenly she felt two children on the bed, she was at peace. But the children had already gone through much fear. All three of them cried out in each other's arms.

Iron lock in the bedroom

How could you expect children to have sense of security to face the future if they had to learn to protect themselves with so much fear in heart? Sometimes accident also happened.

The younger brother sneaked out to the river to swim while Bee-Lain was taking an afternoon nap. He was drawn. She only slept for a few minutes but a living brother disappeared. Mother did not blame Bee-Lain since it would be too much for a nine year old girl to take. With sadness, Mother only said, "Didn't I ask you to watch over your brother?"

To Bee-Lain, this was worse than death. It was an unforgettable deep fearing experience. This world is full of danger, horror, and uncertainty. No matter how careful you are to set up the defense mechanism, there is always disaster waiting for you. It will fall upon you when you are defenseless.

After Bee-Lain grows up, all think that she is a capable, kind, independent and self-confident girl.

Everyone loves to work with Bee-Lain. She is always very considerate and careful. With her, you don't need to worry about "incident". She always has n numbers of options planned ahead. Bee-Lain often says, "In the worse condition, we can......" The older leaders in the work unit love this kind of young people: They are capable but not compulsive. They are hard to find.

Bee-Lain's husband complains very little. Bee-Lain wants certain amount of money to be kept in the saving account. No penny could be spent beyond that amount. Her husband Chia-Nan asks, "What if I got acute disease?" Bee-Lain answered, "Unless the sickness is serious to cause death." Chia-Nan feels it is cruel to say so.

Bee-Lain stocks up many daily necessities: boxes of detergent and seasoning. Every night, she would lock up every bedroom like prison. In the midnight, Chi-Nan has to unlock several locks to go to the restroom with urgency. He could not understand why it had to be this way. There are only two people in the house. Why lock up like this?

These little things do not hurt them. They are a sweet loving couple.

Bee-Lain does not want to get pregnant. They need to establish sound career foundation. Chia-Nan agrees since they are still young.

Bee-Lain says, "One of us works for national organization to have good benefits; one works for private company to make high salary. We are protected." Chia-Nan says, "Two systems in one home. It's a union of combined advantages of socialism and capitalism."

Half of their classmates go abroad. Bee-Lain is tempted to do the same. The developing country has no security. "We should go to a developed country." Chia-Nan starts a study on which country has no possibility to have war and has been favored by all other countries; which country has rich material living and good social welfare system.

After much effort, they have immigration permission to go to Canada. Bee-Lain says, "We cannot both go because in case we cannot make it in the foreign country, we could have no way to come back." Chia-Nan agrees that one cannot put all eggs in one basket. So Bee-Lain leaves and Chia-Nan stays.

Being unstable in the country of maple

About 7 or 8 years have soon passed.

Bee-Lain feels like she is holding a handful of beach sand, the whitest kind in Ching-Dou beach, white and fine. No matter how tight she holds her hands, the fine sand slips quickly away through her fingers in front of her eyes.

Sometimes, she questions: "Could it be that I did not plan well? Which plan is not good enough? When does it go wrong?...." After a while, she gives up on thinking about it since no matter how hard she thinks, she still looses.

When Bee-Lain first comes to Canada, she does not wait long to apply for school. Since there is financial aid for attending school, middle aged people can also go to school although they are not eager.

Bee-Lain cannot remember how many majors of study she has changed. Whatever profession has good salary and easy to get a job, she would go for it.

She has been in study of being a secretary, librarian, nutritionist, lab-technician, pharmacist...and so on. Whenever she feels the future may not be good, she would quit. Finally she settles on studying to be an accountant. She could not waste any more time.

But after she finishes about two thirds of studying, she hears that "computer" is better. After some thoughts, she changes her study again. She keeps hearing about how much salary people can make if their jobs are related to computer. It's quite exciting for her. So this time, she swears that this is her last decision on what major to be in.

She has no foundation in computer science before, so it takes her much time and energy to study. Finally she gets a certificate. But at the time, many computers related companies have started big laid off.

Even so, she does not want to give up.

Loosing it all

Bee-Lain works so hard to hunt for a job. Finally she receives an offer but she still continues to look for job. One is not secure. When she quits looking, she has three offers. She chooses to work for a big airline company. She thinks the job is quite secure since in the modern society, the airplane will always have travelers.

Facing the mirror, she feels she has become 10 years older. She perhaps looks much older than Chia-Nan.

She tells Chia-Nan to come since she has security to live a secure life in a rich and secure country.

But suddenly she notices that Chia-Nan has not being writing, calling or emailing much. "When does it happen this way?"

The divorce document follows with Chia-Nan's letter.

It would be strange if they did not get a divorce with living separately for so far and so long. But Bee-Lain still struggles to fight for keeping the marriage for a while: we can have children now. There is the best social welfare system and educational environment in Canada. My biggest dream is to be a mother.

Chia-Nan replies, "You are already 42 years old. Even if every things go well, our child will be born in next March."

"911 attack" took place.

Chia-Nan's child has not been born. But Bee-Lain is laid off.

Not many people will take the airplane without being worried.

In the next two years, it would be a miracle if a graduate from computer science major can find job. .......

Only one day

One Sunday, Bee-Lain is in church.

She is a believer yet some may think she is not. She believes in all religions. She has been baptized but she also worships Buddha. She carries Buddhist protection charm and occasionally may go to meetings of "Fa-Lung Kung".

She doesn't care which one is true God. All are acceptable.

Today she comes to a Christian church. Her purpose is to find possible candidates for Amyway partners. She has stocked up so much facial lotion, detergent, and vitamin. The supervisor above her tells her to go to church so she can find kind people to join them.

Bee-Lain gives greetings to every one she meets. She seems to be busier than the pastor. Before the worship starts, she is already thirsty due to talking too much.

She holds a cup of water and sits down on the step of the church front door. Drinking some water and pondering a little bit, she suddenly remembers many things happened in the past. But in a while, she seems to be not able to remember any thing. Sometimes, she thinks she is asleep or in a dream.

She isn't paying much attention to what's been sung inside but there is a song that people are repeatedly singing. What is it? She is curious. She begins to concentrate on finding out what is sung. She stands up and moves closer to the church door to listen more carefully. She hopes this song will not stop.

This is a real simple song, the chorus is:

"Many things about tomorrow

I don't seem to understand

But I know who holds tomorrow

And I know who holds my hand."

Bee-Lain doesn't know how she sits down on the floor again. She feels something wet on her hands. She thinks it might be that the paper cup is torn.

It's not the cup. It's her tears.

Bee-Lain can care little about the tears. All she wants to know in her heart is: "Who is He? Who is this person that these people are singing about? Who is this person they know? What makes people know about tomorrow? What makes them not worry about tomorrow? What is this? ..."

"Many things about tomorrow

I don't seem to understand

But I know who holds tomorrow

And I know who holds my hand."

Bee-Lain says it in her heart, "I want it, I need it. I am willing to exchange all my days of my life for a day like that, even if only just one day. I know in my heart that I don't need to worry about tomorrow. I know who holds tomorrow, and I know He will lead the way. If even just only for one day, I can live like that." ......

That night, Bee-Lain takes down all three locks of the bedroom the first time.

This is also the first time that she sleeps very well ever since she is able to remember things.

Author is from China. She lives in Maryland.