Let Me be Your Mother Once

By Jennifer Yang

When I was little, someone asked me, "Do you love your father or mother?" I would answer, "Both." But in my heart, I love my father more than my mother. Father has two degrees. He never gets upset at me. Father never says "no" to me. My mother sometimes would scold at me "dead girl". When she is angry with me, she might beat me up. However, after beating me up, she feels regretful and would give me an apple and rub my bottom that was just hit by her, then she would comfort me, "Are you hurt? Eat an apple..." I always thought that she had already beaten me, what's the use of giving me an apple?

Mother does not have much education so she could not help me study. She only teaches me embroidery and sawing. She always told me that I should learn to handle the housework so I would not have a hard time in the future. I did not like to cook but Mother always said, "I want you to learn it so when you get married you will not make a joke of yourself." When my mother told me so, I always thought in my heart, "She is so secular and low level."

When I was little, I envied others who had mothers that were well educated with modesty. I disrespected my mother in heart. Every time when I was walking with classmates, I would not pass the place that my mother worked. I was afraid that my mother would make me loose my face.

I often felt my mother was not fancy so I did not want to hold her hand to go shopping. Mother never understood my idealism. No matter what I talked about, she agreed with me. She did not know how to explore and nurture my interests like some of my friends' mothers. Ever since I was young, I felt my mother's love was a kind of stupid love. I felt my mother was lack of wisdom that I expected her to have.

After I went abroad, especially after I got married, I often thought about things happened in my childhood. Therefore, I am very thankful to my parents who raise me up. I often want to take care my parents' needs. Always I feel I am a very good daughter. One time, I shared with my mother about how the feeling I had after I was beaten up by her when I was young. Suddenly Mother was very sad and asked, " You still remember?" I did not know what to respond and felt quite ashamed.

Everyone has a childhood. Our childhood is not perfect. Perhaps we have not received the love we desire. Our parents perhaps make decisions for us without paying any attention to our needs or listing to us. They might be too busy so they do not spend much time with us. Our parents may not have time, energy or money to explore and nurture our interests or talents.

In all kinds of loss, we grow up, we get married, and we become parents ourselves. But our parents' shadows have never left us. They live with us and among our interpersonal relationships-spousal relationship, parent-child relationship, even our relationship with our heavenly father.

In "Here and Now", Henri Nouwen ever said, "We must do two significant things in order to leave our parents and have free space to grow up. Those two things are: forgiveness and thankfulness."

Forgiveness: Because we need to know that parental love is not perfect and limited. Thankfulness: Because the imperfect and limited parental love is true love. It can reflect the perfect love given by our Heavenly Father that is unlimited because parental love is originated from God.

People say that parental love is a kind of burden. It's a debt that can never be repaid. But parental love is a blessing from God. In that love, there is receiving, forgiveness, sacrifice and not seeking for one's own goodness. Through our parents' love we can feel God's perfect, unconditional, forgiving, and sacrificial love.

In 2001, I finally had an opportunity to have a heart to heart talk with my mother. I told her, "Mother, I love you. Whatever you did for me, I could never repay. When I was little, I disrespect you. You must feel very sad...." Mother looked at me with her eyes full of tears and much love. I thought that she never expected that her precious daughter would talk to her like this.

Mother held my hand and said," When I was young, I felt my life was hard since I had to serve the old and the young. Now I feel so blessed. You are a blessing that God has given to me." In Mother's eyes, I saw true love.

It's been a long time that I have been thinking about telling my mother: "Mother, let me be your mother once. Let me hug you so you can talk to your daughter about all the unhappiness in your life. Let me kiss you so you can quietly enjoy mother's love in my kiss. Let me look at you carefully so I can explore and appreciate your beauty. Let me hold you so you can rest after a long walk in your hard life. Let me cover you with a blanket in cold winter; Let me wave a fan for you in hot summer so you can have a content smile; Let me rise up early for you to cook warm breakfast; Let me turn on the light for you so I can sit up for you. I want you to become my worry in heart...."

Author is from See-Ann City. Now she resides in Toronto.