The Story of Door

Inside of the door, there is some symbol of life. The poet desires to enter the door for a visit, but he is hesitant. He stands outside and waits for a long time. Eventually he never knocks at the door.

By Deng Da

I. Introduction

When I listened to Saint Saens' "Introduction and Rondo Capriccioso", I felt when the melody expanded step by step then returned to the beginning, it was like an invisible man who wandered around with hesitation but could not help expressing himself. It made me escape into sad thoughts but it was filled with beauty. I thought the meaning of life was to search and search at all times without finding the answer.

In my many doubts, I have one that is related to door.

Every house has a door. Inside and outside of the door, there are two worlds. Outdoors, there might be stormy however it might be warm and peaceful indoors. In life, we may need to go through many doors. Every door leads us into a new world. Naturally, every person has a story of door.

There is no simple story in life. In life, there is no laughter at all times. The world outside of the door, may have many problems just like the world inside of the door. Often we may feel confused. Will this door open for me? Will I find peace and joy inside of the door?

The door on earth creates many doubts. How about the door open toward the eternity?

The poet Tein Dye wrote a poem about door:

The door under the moon

Locked tightly

The green leaves of the pine trees

Lead the road to the outside world.

No one knows

Where come the footprints

Softly

They stop under the rafter.

Inside of the door, there is some indication of life. The poet desires to enter the door for a visit, but he is hesitant. He stands outside and waits for a long time. Eventually he never knocks at the door.

Kafka also has a story about door. A villager came to the door of a court. The door was open and the light from inside leaked out some. It was getting dark. The man wanted to go inside but was barred by the guard at the door. The rest of his life he tried all ways to bribe the guard but he was not successful, even when he died. The more cruel thing was that before he died, the disgusting guard said, "This door was only open for you. Now I want to lock it up."

All the books written by Kafka are full of topics related to failure and fear. But he has become one of the greatest writers in the 20th century. In his writing he describes much real feelings that many have felt inwardly. In the real world, there are a lot people like people he describes in the book. They seem to see the light but cannot find the door to get to the light. This is what the cruelty of life is.

Who can continue to tell the story created by Kafka? Who can change the fate of those who stand outside of the door? Who can change the tragedy into comedy? Often we look for the living among the dead. We search and search but eventually after the voice, the symbol, or the movement dies out, we can only face failure and emptiness.

II. Rondo

When I was little, I like to imitate the way movie star acts. I put my hands behind me and walked around as if I were in deep thinking. One year after another year of education, my doubts have become more and more. On the appearance, I smile a lot. However, deep inside, I was not relaxing. I had no joy. I was very doubtful and confused about life, about myself, and about the world.

In 1994, I went to Hong Kong. I was alone and far away from my hometown. I began to exile myself. Then my life was quite depressing. I browsed on the internet everyday, read junk books, listened to music, and did nothing seriously until very late at night. The result of my self-indulgence was that I had no real freedom and peace in heart.

One day I made up my mind to save myself so I went to buy a Bible in both Chinese and English. I desired to find comfort or compassion to inspire myself. In the Bible, I found I admire Jesus' acts and words. But he is a hero. He is so far away and has no relationship with me.

In the Bible, it says "You shall find if you seek". One day, I got up late as usual. Lazily I walked to the student cafeteria to eat brunch. Before I even got to the door, I was intercepted by two "good" students. They dragged me aside and asked me whether I knew Jesus or not, whether I wanted to know him or not. I saw that they were very sincere. Although I was pretty hungry, I still seriously interacted with them with my limit understanding.

"If you are willing to accept Jesus, could you pray with us?" After talking for a short while, one of them asked me suddenly. "Ok", I wasn't that willing but I still agreed. So we sat on the open top floor of a building to pray. Although it was very noisy and busy downstairs on the street, I felt that it was a peaceful holy moment. There was a breeze flowing into my heart. God found me.

But I wasn't ready to surrender full heartedly. They invited me to the fellowship later. I went once and quit. I was too proud to be mingled with those young undergraduate students. I was a Ph.D. student at the time. I also had indulged myself too much and was not willing to change myself. To reject their sincere invitation, I used Augustine's excuse, "I want to believe, but not now." It was successful. They no longer invited me but said that they would pray for me.

I seemed to get rid of a trouble but gain some sense of guilt. The excuse I used in fact should be the most regretful word that Augustine had ever said in his life. The door of God was open to me. It was light inside but I was hesitant and withdrew. I was like that timid villager caught by doubt: May I come into the door? "But the darkness swallows me and the light makes me disappear...: I hate being in the darkness but at the same time I am also afraid to get into the light. In Loo Shoon's story, "The 'shadow' chose to proceed into the darkness with no purpose and full of anxiety." How about me?

"The door to the light of life is open for you. Will you come in?" I heard the voice calling me.

III. In the light

After more than two years of searching, self seeking and self exile, I came to the end. I saw myself being full of sins. Depending on my own effort, I could not change myself. I finally surrendered: "Lord Jesus, please save me from all the darkness!"

The Bible says: "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. " (I John 1:9) This is true. Although I had come back to China at the time, God brought brothers and sisters into my life. I felt God's love again. One day while I walked on the campus of Kong-Chou, a song came to my heart: "I have miraculous changes in my life since Jesus came into my heart." Soon my wife and I got baptized.

I finally understood why Augustine in "Confession" said, "Late have I loved Thee, O Lord!" In the light of God, I rejoice. "I was glad when they said unto me, Let us go unto the house of Jehovah. Our feet are standing within thy gates, O Jerusalem." (Psalm 122:1,2) Because of Jesus' holy name, my heart was healed, I could walk into the sanctuary of the Lord to praise Him.

In the light of God, I have peace. "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?" (Romans 8:35) Because of Jesus' love, I can "Let us therefore draw near with boldness unto the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy, and may find grace to help [us] in time of need." (Hebrews 4:16).

In the light of God, I have hope." But now they desire a better [country], that is, a heavenly..." (Hebrews 11:16) "Beloved, now are we children of God, ..." (I John 3:2)

In the light of God, I find the meaning of life and the strength to fight against the temptation from the evil one. "Therefore let us also, seeing we are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus the author and perfecter of [our] faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising shame,..." (Hebrews 12: 1,2)

IV. the Ending

There is a simple song:

"One door, Only one.

There are two sides.

I am inside.

Which side are you in?"

Yes, the door is to the light of life. This door is open for you. Are you willing to come in?