Apples Can't Fly

I felt hopeless and nervous all over. There seemed to be a fire burning deep down in my heart. I had no appetite and was eating very little. I had lost more than 10 pounds and was becoming very weak physically. I was on the verge of collapse

By Hai Ping

The first stage

1998 was a turning point in my life. That summer I was invited to be a visiting scholar at SUNY-Buffalo. My life as a research scholar in America had begun. I found the first two months in America very exciting. The good high tech working environment and living conditions gave me a refreshing impression. One weekend friends took me to visit Niagara Falls. The beautiful scenery on our way home from the Canadian side of the Falls seemed like paradise to me.

After a while, the excitement of being in a new place faded, and loneliness set in. I greatly missed my family. Daily life was very boring, as I seemed to be living in just two places: the lab and my apartment. When I was in my empty apartment, I felt very lonely and homesick.

Soon after I started being more adjusted to the new life here, I met a couple, Bob and Carlene, through mutual friends. Carlene worked with International Students, Inc. (ISI), a non-profit Christian organization with a mission to preach the Gospel to international students and scholars in the United States. Bob and Carlene were a very ordinary couple, and, compared to the numerous international students and scholars they were trying to reach with the Gospel, quite simple folk. They had no special academic achievements and were not even particularly good-looking, but with their special Christian love they had won the respect and devotion of many students and visiting scholars. When students and visiting scholars first come to the States, they face all kinds of difficulties in their work, daily life and studies. Many seek help from Bob and Carlene, and they always respond, expecting nothing in return.

Like many young people from China, I did not have much understanding of who God is. An atheistic environment and education was successfully creating atheists like me. To me, God existed only in children's books. Bob and Carlene's unselfish love and kindness puzzled me very much. I often asked myself, "Where do they get this kind of ongoing strength, enabling them to love a group of strangers?" They never asked for anything in return. They were fully aware that those they helped would never return their favors as they would soon leave Buffalo for another city or go back to China to continue their careers. To self-centered people, Bob and Carlene's behavior was hard to comprehend.

The interesting thing is that Bob and Carlene never urged anyone to believe in Jesus. They never discussed or expounded the Christian faith in front of us. Although we may have prayed under their leading when we took part in worship services in the church, most of the activities they organized were recreational. The times I spent with them were very happy - field trips in spring, picnics in the summer, maple viewing in autumn and skiing in winter. To us strangers so far away from home, our times spent with this Christian couple brought us the warmth and joys of family life.

My first Bible was given to me by Carlene. It was a Chinese-English New Testament in simplified Chinese. To fill my spare time and improve my English reading ability, I started reading the Bible. At the time, I did not understand the teaching in the Bible but just read it as a story book. After interacting with Bob and Carlene for a while, I began to imitate the way they prayed. Although God was a total stranger to me, whenever I prayed to God, I had a great feeling of peace. The consequence was that I was able to get along with those that I would normally dislike. I found this rather inexplicable. My inner thoughts had changed without my applying exerting any outward pressure. This experience compelled me to reflect on the existence of God.

Debating and searching

In the fall of 1999, my family obtained permanent residence in Canada. We moved to Fort Erie, Canada, in the summer of 2000. Fort Erie is a small town of about twenty six thousand residents, right across the river from Buffalo. Very few Chinese reside here and life is quite boring. There was no Chinese church, or ISI group and no Christians knocking at your door wanting to preach the gospel to you. Perhaps this was a place which God had forgotten about. However, many things that happened later proved that God had not forgotten about this little town. God exists everywhere in this world, and wherever there are human beings, God is there.

Since Chinese people adore knowledge and scholarship, one of the traditional Chinese virtues is our love of books and libraries. It was in the town library that I met a couple, Liang-Ping and Ling-Chuo. Liang-Ping worked in Buffalo and Ling-Chuo was a full-time home-maker. They were an ordinary Chinese couple. At our first meeting Ling-Chuo immediately invited us to their house group Bible study. I was quite surprised that in such a small town there was a Chinese Bible study.

Being so far away from God, I was not at all interested their Bible study. But a lot of my friends went there for social reasons and to meet new friends. Living in such a little town, most of the adults are quite lonely and the children have few extra-curricular activities either. My son had no after-school playmates. Every day I saw how bored he was and felt sorry for him. With all this in mind, I began to consider going to Liang-Ping's house group, as I knew that a lot of parents took their children along there. Once I started going to Liang-Ping's house group, I was much attracted to it. Most of the people in this group were not believers, so actual Bible study was too advanced for us and we mostly discussed topics related to faith. Many questions were raised in our meeting. One time our discussion topic was: "A good person may have done many good deeds when he was alive, but because he doesn't believe in God, he can't go to heaven after he dies. Yet if a person does evil things all his life but professes faith in God just before he dies, he can still go to heaven. Is this fair?"

These debates usually reached no practical conclusions, but they did arouse a strong interest in me to seek and explore who God is.

A strange dream - and insomnia

Life in this world can be difficult. No-one passes their whole life in peace all the time. For new migrants to Canada, life is especially tough. No matter how high a position or status the new immigrants may have had in their home countries, when they move to a foreign country, they have to struggle to survive. Sometimes they cannot avoid starting from the very bottom. I was no exception. Although my husband had a degree in computer related subjects, he was unable to find a job because of the depressed state of the economy. The responsibility for making a living fell on my shoulders. I worked and studied all the time, with no time off or vacation. But in the fall of 2002, I was fortunate to receive a NIH scholarship from the United States. The purpose of this scholarship is to promote research in the medical clinical field. If I could pass my master's thesis defense in two years, I could gain a master's degree in epidemiology. 

I accepted the challenge of going back to school. Being a classmate of all those young American students put me under a great deal of pressure. Those who have studied in North America may feel the same way. Working towards a degree is not easy and you have a lot of homework and exams. The pressures of study and work often made me feel exhausted physically and mentally. It is when one feels weak, that one most needs comfort. I began to pray to God for comfort and help, even though He was such a stranger to me.

One night I had a strange and unforgettable dream. In my dream, I saw a young woman enveloped in flames falling into a deep well, but the bottom of the well was completely dry. Finally the woman was burned down to a piece of charred skin. I felt that I was a spectator of the whole process. Yet although I did not feel the burning pain, the scene in the dream clearly implied that I was that woman.

When I reflected on this strange dream the next morning, I could not help talking to God, "You really do exist. You made me go through the fires of Hell in my dream, so that after I die my soul will not be punished. I thank you for your forgiveness and mercy!" I rejoiced that God had forgiven me so easily.

After a few days, I faced a temptation. Before I made my choice, I spoke to God, "I am very grateful for Your forgiveness and I know that You will not be pleased if I give into this temptation. I also understand what choice You would prefer me to make. But, God, You have Your rules and I have mine." So, that day I made my choice according to my own desires. When I made the choice, I sensed a small inner voice rebuking me. But, ignoring the warning, I still did it, against God's will. That night, I went through all my usual routines before going to bed. But before I fell asleep, I suddenly started to feel very frightened. A sense of unspeakable anxiety and fear attacked me. I could not find no reason for it. It was as if I had been caught up in an invisible web that made me writhe and struggle. All night long, I could not get to sleep.

My insomnia lasted for more than one month. I tried every possible way I knew to overcome it: running, hot showers, massage etc. Nothing worked. Living every day became a torture to me. It was like being in hell. I felt hopeless and nervous all over. Deep down in my heart, there seemed to be a fire burning. With no appetite I was eating very little and had lost more than 10 pounds and become very weak physically. I was on the verge of collapse.

In order to maintain the minimum energy I needed, I forced myself to drink large quantities of milk. With my extensive medical education, I knew that unless my condition changed, I would not have long to live. I felt that perhaps death would be better than this kind of torture. But when I remembered my young son, my old mother and my unemployed husband, I realized that my responsibilities in this world were not yet over.

Final struggle

In my helplessness, I thought of God. I comforted myself, "If man cannot save me, perhaps God can." I rushed to Buffalo Chinese Christian Church to meet with Pastor Lee. On the few times when I had taken part in activities at that church, I had gone in order to have fun and meet friends. Pastor Lee had invited me to their fellowship several times in the past, but I had always found phony reasons to excuse myself. The fact was that I was not interested.

But this time I was coming of my own free will and the pastor was quite surprised. He did not know that I was at my wits end how to rescue myself. I was looking to the church as my emergency hospital to save my life. God was my last resort. Deep down in my heart, I was crying out to Him, "God, please save me." I told Pastor Lee about my situation and asked him for God's help and comfort. At the same time, I expressed my desire to believe in Him. Although Pastor Lee was surprised, he did not turn me away. He asked me to sign my name on their "book of decisions to become a Christian". After that, he gave me two books-"Streams in the Desert" and "Pilgrims' Songs". These two books were such a strength to me as I went through the most difficult time in my life.

When I could not sleep, I read "Streams in the Desert". Each word in the book seemed to speak to me. God Himself spoke to me through this book. He told me that I had been cleansed by a Holy God, through fire. Pastor Lee asked me whether I wanted to get baptized since they were going to have a baptism ceremony in two weeks. He thought I could get baptized then, or I could wait until next spring. Although I had accepted the Lord, I was still doubtful about being a Christian.

Over the next two weeks there was no improvement in my insomnia problem. I knew that I could no longer delay my baptism. On Nov. 3 2002, I was baptized and became a child of God. 

Two days after my baptism, I still could not sleep. On the third night, I told God," Lord, I know you love me. You have made me go through this painful torture for the purpose of cleansing me. You want me to live according to Your will. I am grateful to You, but You know I cannot afford to go without sleep. I have to drive to work every day. If I don't get any sleep, sooner or later I will have a car accident. I know You won't allow this to happen. From now on, I am Yours. I hand my life over to You. Although I have made many mistakes and committed many sins, I need Your help to overcome them. You are my Father in Heaven and have total authority to discipline me. I surrender myself to You completely." That night a miracle happened. After a whole month of fighting against insomnia, I fell asleep. That was the sweetest sleep I have ever had in my life. Next morning, facing the rising sun, I praised my God from the bottom of my heart, "You are the living God. I resolve to follow You as long as I live."

Indubitable proofs

As I reflect on what I went through before and after my baptism, I believe that it was God disciplining me. He was giving me a baptism of fire. There are three reasons why I have come to this conclusion:

1. From the perspective of science, if a person does not sleep for two weeks, his brain cells may be so damaged that he is no longer able to think clearly. Many people have experienced insomnia and they have all felt the same way. I had had no sleep for a whole month. During that month, I went to work, studied, did housework, and even passed exams. Every day, physically exhausted, I drove to work on a busy highway, but did not have any car accidents. This is amazing.
Faced with my heavy study load, I had often considered quitting school. But not only did I not quit but I made very good grades. Once when I took the midterm statistics exam, the exam was so hard that many people did not even finish, yet I handed in my papers 15 minutes early. Despite my not having been able to sleep for two whole weeks at that time, I got the highest scores in the class.
Another class I took was also very difficult. This was a class on epidemiology. It involved many complex concepts and calculations and the professor was also quite strict. I was astounded when I gained perfect scores in the final exam. It was a miracle indeed.

2. The second proof is that prayer I made three days after my baptism. As a young Christian I did not know how to pray. But the Holy Spirit led me. In my prayer there was thanksgiving, trust, obedience, and worship. It was a prayer that pleased God and that He answered. So something miraculous had happened.

3. The third proof is through a bookmark. At Christmas 2002, a calendar and a bookmark with a Bible verse printed on it were distributed to everyone in Buffalo Chinese Church. The bookmarks were given out randomly, yet the one I received said: "...for the Lord gives to his loved ones in sleep." (Psalm 127:2). How comforting to me that was! I was so joyful that I couldn't help giving thanks to God.

One friend asked me: "A loving and merciful God made you suffer terrible insomnia for so long and almost pushed you to the end of your life. Don't you hate Him?" "No, I don't hate Him at all. I love Him, I stand in awe of Him, and I trust Him even more." If I had not experienced that horrible month, I would not have believed in God and established an intimate, trusting and obedient relationship with Him. Now I experience God's daily presence. Whenever I think of God, I have peace, joy, and strength.

Apples cannot fly

There are four points I want to share with non-believers:

1. We cannot force ourselves to believe in God, but we should have an open heart to seek Him.

2. God is spirit. We cannot feel His existence by our five senses, just as we cannot use our eyes to smell the fragrance of a flower. We use our heart and thoughts to communicate with God. Our tool to interact with God is "prayer". When you face difficulties in life that cannot be resolved by man's power, I suggest that you pray to God - tell Him your pain and your thoughts and ask for His help. If, after you have prayed, you find that your attitudes to other people and things have changed or miracles happen, this can be a proof of God at work. What man cannot accomplish, God can.

3. After reading my testimony, please do not take exception to the miraculous and extraordinary events that happened to me. If you listen carefully, you may hear similar testimonies from other Christians. I suggest that you analyze these testimonies logically, instead of saying that these events just happened by chance. That kind of attitude may not be rational either. Apples can only fall from trees; they cannot fly through the air. A miracle cannot just happen. There must be a force behind to cause it to happen. And that power is God Himself.

4. Many people do not care about whether God exists or not. They feel that God's existence has nothing to do with their lives. Do not take this kind of attitude. God is the creator of all things and the source of all blessings. Our lives and everything we own are given by God. How can we enjoy what is given by God, yet still ignore His existence?

From the opposite perspective, becoming a Christian does not bring us direct economic benefits. But faith in God can bring us everlasting joy, peace, and the source of love. Apart from God, no matter how smart or how successful we are, we can never have true contentment and happiness, because deep in our hearts there is an empty place that can only be filled by God.

The author is from China. She graduated from Capital Medical School, specializing in Pediatrics. She works in Buffalo Children's Hospital, doing research in the field of clinical microbiology.