Awake All Night

I believed that as long as I worked hard, I could become an outstanding scientist.

By Xie Tain

I hated my father

After graduating from high school in 1981, I entered medical school. At that time the percentage of students passing the university entrance examination was less than 2%. In 1988, I passed the graduate school entrance exam to study for a master's degree in medical science. In 1996, I got to study for a Ph.D. in pharmacy. Then I came to the United States for post-doctoral studies. 

I was a strong willed person, who knew how to work hard. I also had plenty of self-confidence and strong opinions. I was not one of those who just unthinkingly follow the crowd. My highest goal had always been to become a top class scientist. And I believed that as long as I worked hard, I could indeed become an outstanding scientist. On the other hand, I was also someone who did not easily forgive. Anyone who offended me would not easily reach an understanding with me. I would remember the offence and hold a grudge against that person for a long time.

In the winter of 1991, I had several heated quarrels with my father, and from that time on I refused to call him "Father". Several years later, I married and had a child. My father adored his grandchild, but I still hated him and refused to call him my father. Before I came overseas in 2001, I did not even phone him to say good-bye. When I went back to China in 2003 to bring my child over to the USA, I still did not call my father, although I knew I ought to. Deep down in my heart, I was still unable to forgive him. Although I knew that it was not right to hate my father and I had tried to forgive him, I was unable to do so. I even bought a number of books about the cultivation of virtues, in the hope that I might get some help from reading them. But my efforts came to nothing.

Just for fun

When I first came to America, I lived with a girl from Bermuda. She was a Christian and was very kind to me. She often invited me to her church, but I told her frankly that, as a scientist, I had no interest in religion. Although I respected her religion, I asked her to stop pressurizing me.

In 2004, at Chinese New Year, I saw on the web that a Chinese Church was inviting people to join them for a New Year' Eve dinner and movie. That Friday evening I went along with my young son. My original intention was that this was all just for fun, as this was a time of celebration. That night they showed the movie "The Cross". It moved me to tears. In the movie many Chinese shared their own real life faith experiences. I was particularly impressed by three of them:

1. The movie star, Li-Ping Lieu, is very famous in China and has made many movies. She is perhaps not startlingly beautiful, but the roles she plays are always very natural and down to earth. I have always liked her. What she said in "The Cross" surprised me, "Every time, before making a movie, I pray to God".

2. A singer, Yuan Chung, thanked God for placing her in a clean place. I had no idea what she meant.

3. The head man of Hua Xia Village said that when he first became a believer, he had asked God to help him make more money, but later on he asked God to use him. This was difficult for me to understand too. The manager of a restaurant must always be wanting to make a profit; for him to pray in contradiction to this was very strange.

That night when we were asked to introduce ourselves after the movie, I said that although I might be set in my ideas philosophically, yet I thought that Christianity was good and I was willing to learn to understand more. After our self-introductions, we went into small Bible study groups. Mine was a group for seekers. That night I argued with every one in the group. I told them I was "a typical member of the new generation of Chinese who had grown up under the red (communist) flag". Although I was not a party member, I had many ideas that were very different from those of Christians.

After a few weeks in the group, I was still very argumentative. Someone gave me a book entitled "Pilgrim Songs". I thumbed casually through a few pages and saw it was a really good book. After studying it seriously, I began to calm down. I knew that both human beings and science all have their limitations. I also sensed that I was too arrogant. After that, when I went to church I began to listen to people, instead of simply rejecting everything I heard.

A table and a watch

Once a brother was preaching. He pointed to a table and said, "Someone made this table. Although I don't know its maker, I'm quite sure that this table did not make itself." Then he pointed to his watch and said the same thing. I thought to myself, "Of course I know that these things were made by human beings !". Then he asked us where had human beings come from? He concluded: there is no way that man could have created himself through evolution and the course of time.

The question that struck me that day was, "Where did man come from?" I had never seriously thought about the answer. Ever since I was in elementary school, I had been taught about evolution, and thought that man had evolved from the monkeys. I had never done any study on evolutionary theory nor seriously reflected on whether this is consistent with archeology or history. I had simply treated the theory as a fact.

Now I needed to think seriously about the existence of God. I remember that during my Ph.D. studies in Shanghai between 1996 and 1999, every Friday night I had taken the train home to Nanjing. A number of my classmates also rode the train and we would chat. One time a Ph.D. student in pathology said, "The universe must be just as orderly as the human body. There has got to be a nerve center somewhere controlling and orchestrating the whole universe, because it is so ordered with its solar system, its four seasons and its range of animals and living creatures. The whole thing is too complex to have just happened by chance." We all agreed with him. Now I realized that I had always been aware of the existence of the Creator of the universe.

Once I heard Brother San Gang Lin preaching. My deepest impression that day was the realization that faith can have a tremendously positive impact on our lives and can especially influence families and children for good. On the way home, I told my daughter, "If I become a believer one day, 80% of it will be due to my belief in God's existence and the other 20% will be for your sake."

The problem of "questions"

Easter was approaching, and I enquired about getting baptized. Although I knew that sooner or later I would be baptized, I would like to have read the Bible from cover to cover first so that the final 20% of my doubts could be resolved. 

In my efforts to resolve many of my doubts, I used to ask people lots of questions. Finally I realized that it is impossible for us with our limited minds to understand the God who created the whole universe. I stopped asking questions, and accepted Jesus as my Savior and as Lord of my life.

At first my life did not change much after my baptism, although I always had a strong desire to read something from the Bible every day, and I understood the Bible better than I had before I was baptized. When I attended church meetings, I could not pray much, but I heard other people always giving thanks to the Lord for dying on the cross to forgive our sins. At first, I couldn't quite understand this. But gradually I began to see that Jesus' death on the cross was to forgive my sin, my faults and my wrongdoings. And so, in my heart, I started to forgive my father.

One day in Sunday School I learned the story of Joseph. His brothers had almost murdered him, then they sold him as a slave. Yet he did not hate them, but still loved them, because he knew that everything was in God's plan. God was planning to accomplish much greater things and to save the lives of even more people. That day, I learned to forgive. Tears poured down my cheeks as every word seemed to speak to my heart. I completely forgave my father.

God can change our lives. He freed me from the deep bitterness that had been lying buried in my heart. God opened my heart to understand that man can sin, yet because of his weakness he cannot save himself. A person may not want to sin, but he cannot help it. Jesus died on the cross to save the world from the bondage of sin.

Now my heart is filled with love, not hatred. I asked my younger sister for my father's phone number and called him. I told him that I was now a Christian and that I wished I had become one earlier. If I had, I would have gone to visit him in Lanzhou when I went back to China at Chinese New Year in 2003.

A bowl of rice congee

This May I attended a Mid US Christian Workers Center training camp. I learned how to have a quiet time, how to study the Bible and pray. All these things have become my daily routines. Gradually I have sensed deep changes in my inner being.

The first change was that my heart has softened. Before becoming a Christian, my heart was quite hard. I was strong and not afraid of difficulties, but I was not willing to spend time caring for others. My heart was filled with more hatred than love and was not sensitive to other people. Gradually, my heart has come to life and I have a sense of love inside me. I have started to care about the needs of other people. It might be just a simple thing, like giving a bowl of rice congee to a sister who has just had a baby, but it was a big change for me, since I had never voluntarily cared about others before.

The second change is that God is making me sensitive to sin. This had never happened before. For instance, before, I always used to use the copy machine to print out music sheets for my child. Now I sense that this is not right. After believing in Jesus, I am aware of a voice inside me reminding me about what is not appropriate for me to do and making me feel uneasy. Now I go to the Public Library to copy out music sheets. Although it is a nuisance, I am happy, since I have overcome a sin and do not want to let myself to indulge in old habits.

My biggest understanding is that I have a new life which is full of goodness, love, joy and peace. My quality of life has been greatly enhanced.

Little brother's handkerchief

Another experience of mine after becoming a Christian concerns spiritual visions. I have always loved to go traveling at vacation times. Not only have I worshiped different idols in temples in the scenic places I visited, but I also used to buy "souvenirs", even bringing some of them over to America with me.

This August when I went to the training camp, I was bothered at nights by evil spirits. Frightened and unable to get to sleep, I saw the evil faces of those idols which I had previously worshiped leering at me all night.

The next night, after prayer, I was able to get some sleep, but I was still bothered by the evil spirits and woke up in the middle of the night. The third day, under the pastor's questioning, I realized that the reason was those unclean "souvenirs". The pastor and elders prayed with me and I confessed my sins and promised to throw the objects away. That night I was not bothered by the evil one any more and I slept really well.

After getting back from the training camp, I gave all those unclean objects to the pastor to be destroyed. That night, as I lay in bed my mind gradually became clearer. One by one all the sinful acts I had committed since childhood, were clearly shown to me. For instance, every day before we went off to elementary school, my mother would pin a handkerchief to each of us three children for us to wipe our noses on. Every night we would take it off, wash it and dry it for use the next day. We three kids did not go to after-school day-care, and as the oldest one I had to care for my two young siblings. We played in the back yard. I would often hide my young brother's handkerchief, or throw it away, to get him into trouble. Every time Mom saw that he had lost his handkerchief and was using his sleeve to wipe his nose, she would spank him. The next day, I would do the same thing and watch him get punished.

Nail marks on my palms

All these sinful incidents had happened so long ago that I had completely forgotten them, but now they came back to me, played out before me like a movie. My limbs turned cold, and I began to shake uncontrollably. However, my mind was completely clear. Since I could still move my arms and legs freely, I asked God to excuse me for a minute so that I could go to the toilet. After I lay down again, my limbs started to turn cold again and to shake. I also felt nails being pressed into the palms of my hands. It was not a painful experience, but I could feel the pressure. As each sinful event was shown to me, I would pray to God for forgiveness and for His precious blood to cleanse me. I do not know how long it lasted. I felt was very frightened, and asked God, "Lord, are you killing me? Is today the end of the world? But if you want to kill me, that's fine. I'm willing to die."

Slowly, my limbs returned to their normal state of warmth. Then I heard a loud melodious sound coming down from heaven. I could not tell whether it was praying or singing but it was very holy and solemn. I also saw crowds of people all gathered together and kneeling in worship, tier upon tier of them. The atmosphere was awesome.

I was in deeply afraid, so I prayed to God not to let me see the highest level, for I might die. A stove appeared in the sky, its bricks glowing a brilliant red in the fire. As the solemn music continued in the background, two groups of people holding weapons in their hands, came into view, some from the west and some from the east. They were fighting against each other, but as they met, the earth opened up and swallowed them, then closed up and returned to normal. Then, a deep brown-colored flood flowed out, accompanied by a giant stone from the sky. Finally a snow white lamb appeared. 

I did not sleep at all that whole night. I am a scientist, who only believes in things that can be proved, but this experience cannot be explained by any kind of medical science, biology, or other scientific knowledge.

My old self, nailed to the cross that night, was dead. Now it is my Lord Jesus Christ who lives in me. I am experiencing a new life. From now on, my hope is that everything I do may be worthy of God's mercy and grace. I will trust in my Lord, and follow Him in everything.

The author is from China. She was a post-doctoral scholar at Shanghai Human Sciences Research Center. She now works in Ellis Fischel Cancer Center.