My First Year Studying Overseas

The worst thing was having to give a presentation in class .When I stood up I was so nervous that I could only read out what I had written. Worse still, the advisor kept correcting my pronunciation all through my presentation.

By Yu Hei

How could I be so stupid ?

Just a year ago, before I went abroad to Canada, I had been singing, " The Lord is my strength". I had lived in Beijing for 23 years and this was the first time I had left home. As I looked down at the ocean as we came in to land at Vancouver, I asked myself, " Am I really arriving at another country ? Is this the beginning of a new life ?"

Before I left China, my father told me, " I'm not worried about your life or studies there, but I do want to remind you to rely on the Lord and not on your own wisdom." Dear Father ! how could you have imagined that your "smart cookie" daughter would face a whole year of her new life filled with frustration ?

For my first few days in Canada I lived in a state of confusion mixed with curiosity. Everything had to be learnt again from scratch.: crossing the road, riding the bus, buying things, opening a bank acccount, paying my tuition, copying information etc. I seemed like a helpless child. The first day I did some cooking and cut my finger. When I think back on it now, it seems quite funny. I had brought the knife with me from China and it was very sharp. But at the time when it happened, I was very sad and lonely.

When I received letters from China, I cried over them. But I still had to get on with life, so I knelt down and prayed, " Lord, I am very incapable. I hand everything over to You." Then I hung a cross I had brought with me from China on a spot on the wall where I could easily see it.

The next day I went to school to take care of a lot of things. The department secretary told me that they would give me a GTA for eight months. This was like "manna". It was God opening up a way for me, for I had been worried that the money I had brought from China would not be enough to cover my two years of tuition and fees as well as my living expenses. Through this event the Lord was clearly telling me in those first few days, "Do not be anxious or afraid ! I already know about all your needs." To someone who had just left home to live independently, this was such a wonderful promise and comfort ! I immediately called home to share the good news and my praises to the Lord with my parents.

I was a nervous wreck at my first meeting with my advisor for selecting the courses I should take.. I was so nervous that I could hardly speak and could not understand what he was telling me. He must have thought I was quite stupid. He did not seem very satisfied with me and was perhaps regretting having me as his student, so he warned me that if my foundation wasn't good enough, I would need another year to complete my degree. I shook my head vehemently and replied, "No, I will try hard to finish my degree in two years."

As I left this meeting, all my pride had disappeared, and been replaced by a sense of deep frustration and helplessness. I walked along the beach. Looking out on the ocean and the sky, tears poured down my face. I felt angry at my own stupidity and very confused about the life that lay ahead of me.

A terrible English class

Once school started I became very busy. I had so much to read, and so many assignments. Many times I reproached myself for my slow reading ability. I did not mind the reading, but it took me a long time to take it in. Writing in English was even worse. I would often spend a whole morning just writing two pages, and end up exhausted. But then when I reviewed what I had just written it seemed so bad. When I thought about how easy I found writing in Chinese, I felt even more depressed.

The most terrible thing was having to give a presentation in class. When I stood up in front of the class I was so nervous that I could only read out what I had written. Worse still, my advisor would keep correcting my presentation during the presentation. Each time when I had finished I felt like crying. It was so frustrating. I felt I couldn't do anything properly.

I did not dare to complain to God, but I would ask Him sadly, "Lord, why am I so stupid ? Why didn't You make me smarter ? All these failures make me feel so unworthy. Please could You perform a miracle so that when I wake up tomorrow morning I can speak and write well in English ?"

The miracle did not happen, but my heart was changed. I felt lighter and there was hope in my heart. God gave me wisdom, and helped me come to know Him more clearly.

One day I was reading about how God led the Israelites into Canaan, and my heart was really touched. "Lord, I believe that You want to lead me to overcome all my difficulties, so that I can learn to depend on You in everything, to seek Your will in everything and to have faith and joy, no matter what circumstances I face. Lord, I thank You. This is such a precious lesson for me."

Gradually I made some progress in my classes. My advisor was also coming to understand me better and to feel that this student was not so stupid after all. We even had some opportunities to talk about issues of faith. God showed me gradually that He could be glorified in my weaknesses, and that He wanted me to learn humility through my failures.

I faced big challenges in my work. Although I was a TA for a Chinese class, I had to give my lectures to the students in English. It is sometimes difficult to explain Chinese grammar in English, and I would feel like crying when I couldn't do it properly. Some of the students were considerate, but some would criticize me to my face and pack up and leave. It also took a lot of effort to give lectures when you didn't feel like it. Sometimes I was very tired, but when I saw the students looking lethargic I had to put on a smiling face and try to encourage them to be interested. This was easier said than done. I could only pray without ceasing, and ask God to give me a heart of joy, love and patience.

The most depressing thing was when, at the beginning of a new semester, I would read the student evaluations from the last semester. There might be some sharp criticisms which could make me feel down for several days. All year I prayed to the Lord as I entered the classroom for each class I taught. I thank the Lord for making me more mature through experiences like these.

I gradually made more friends

When I first arrived in Vancouver a year ago, I held a map of the city in my hand and prayed that I might find a church. I attended one Chinese church, but I finally settled down in an English-speaking church.

Once when I was having lunch at the church, I felt so lonely with the people around me all talking away in English that I went off into a corner as tears trickled down my cheeks. Three Christian brothers saw me and came over to comfort me. One of them said, " We don't care about your English, we only care about you." This made a deep impression on me.

I asked God to give me wisdom to understand His word and to be able to communicate better with brothers and sisters in the Lord. Wonderfully, after a few months, even though I still got very confused trying to understand the English in the classroom, I was able to understand 90% of what I heard in church ! I felt so happy that I could understand God's words.

After my first stage of adjustment, I began to pray that the Lord would give me believing friends. God was so gracious. Not very long afterwards, I met a girl from Hong Kong. She was in one of my classes and we worked in the same group for presentations. Later I realised that she was a fine Christian. So we became very good friends. We not only shared discussions on our faith, but she also looked after me in matters of daily life, and helped me overcome difficulties of my first year of life abroad.

God's mercy and grace did not stop there, and was far beyond what I had asked. I got to know many loving Christians. It was like a snowball as, one after another I got to know so many believers : my professors, classmates, roommates . ... God knew how weak and frustrated I was, so He gave me many sources of comfort and encouragement.

Sweet Chinese bread turning sour

Autumn arrived. It was so beautiful in Vancouver. The leaves started changing colour. The whole city was full of colour - deep greens, bright red and golden yellow. With the clear skies and bright sunshine it was like a foretaste of Heaven. The falling leaves increased my feelings of sadness, and the migrating birds made me even more homesick. Sometimes when I was on the bus going back to the dorm, I could see the lights shining through the windows of neighbourhood houses and I would murmur to the Lord, " O Lord, how I miss home !"

Fortunately, a Christian brother wrote to encourage me. He told me how his own life as a student overseas had helped him understand that we are just travellers on this earth, and how this had strengthened his hope in our future heavenly home. " Yes, dear Heavenly Father, I look forward one day to returning home to You. No more separation. No more loneliness. No more sadness. What a beautiful picture that will be ......"

Then it was the Christmas season. It's rainy in Vancouver, often for days on end. People get depressed. I was often scolded as "sour bread" as I was so sentimental and found it hard not to be affected by the weather. Although I had changed somewhat after becoming a believer, I still struggled with moodiness. For instance, because of the latitude the sun set in winter at about 4 pm. I missed home and especially my mother's hot soups so much after the sun went down. But the reality was that I still had to wear my wet shoes and pick up my big bag of books and make my way back to the dorm which was just as cold as the classroom.

When you are depressed, everything becomes grey. Once again I was overcome by by a sense of frustration. My English was so bad that I couldn't even bear it myself, and when I saw the puzzled looks on the faces of my listeners I felt even gloomier. I dropped to my knees beside my bed - I could find a sense of acceptance only when I talked to God. More than ever I felt that it is so good that God loves me, not because I am lovable, but in spite of my not being lovely. He loves my stupidity, my weakness and my unworthiness. Only in Him could I be healed from my sense of defeat. Gently, He told me that because He was so patient with me, I should be more patient towards myself and not be harder on myself than His expectations of me.He also told me that since I had already promised to have Him as Lord of my life, He would break me and also make me new.

Now I understand

As I prayed I gradually came to understand how it was in love that God had put me into this situation of defeat. My biggest challenge all year had been the problem of my English. Previously, I had taken great pride in my language ability. Right from childhood I was always being praised by adults for my verbal expression. Inwardly, I was really proud of myself. In college, I was quite good at speaking up and often got involved in long debates in class. In the church I would seek out opportunities to express my views. So I enjoyed being admired by other people. As all these events in the past flashed before me like scenes from a movie, I knelt before my Lord in repentance, asking His forgiveness for my pride and shortcomings.

I thanked the Lord for putting this 'talkative' child of His into a situation of speechlessness, so that she would learn to "listen carefully and be slow to speak" (James 1v.19). Again and again I asked the Lord to make me into a useful vessel for Him. He is faithful and He disciplined me in His own way. Although it was painful and frustrating, I knew I would become a better person.

This summer I went back to China for a month. The brothers and sisters in the church said to me, " You've changed. You've quietened down; you're not as talkative as you used to be."

I joked, " That's because Canada is such a big country that it's hard to find anyone to talk to !"

Actually, I knew who had been working in my life.

This afternoon one of the students in the Chinese class I teach came to see me. He said he was very frustrated with his Chinese. He had tried his best and given it a lot of time, but it all seemed to be for nothing. He just could not get a handle on Chinese. He was so disappointed that he felt quite depressed. He showed me his practice book of Chinese characters. Some of the characters were ugly and written wrongly. He was left-handed and writing Chinese was very unnatural for him. I did my best to comfort and encourage him. And I really understand him because I was experiencing similar things myself.

Any one of us may have moments when we feel that we have done our best, but it's all still a mess.So we fall into feelings of deep despondency and just want to find somewhere to hide. "Dear Lord, be with us when we are experiencing failure. Help us to see that the reason for our existence is in You. Help us to find where real comfort lies. Of ourselves, we are worthless. It is in Your love that we find our true value. It is You who changes our lives into lives of sweetness."

The writer is from Beijing, and graduated from the Department of Chinese atthe University of the People. She is now studying in Canada.